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Breaking it off with a "nice guy"...long and advice needed.
Yesterday I went on date #4 with A, who I posted about a few weeks back (he had some crazy health issues a few years ago that he told me about after date 2). we had date #3 on Thursday night where we cooked dinner at his place and kept it very PG. I had a really nice time, we talked about alot of deeper things regarding his cancer and my divorce and overall, it went really well. I had plans to help out at a St. Patty's day volunteer event in the afternoon with my friend and her BF, so I invited A along. It was a big deal to "meet the friends" as I haven't brought anyone aroud that I've dated post-D yet. It went fine, and A was trying to be a bit more affectionate in public than I was feeling, so it made me a little uncomfortable. After the event, we went to a bar to hang out a bit. The interaction wtih my friends and A was a bit awkward, even thought my friends were trying to be nice and cordial. My friends then left and A and I walked around downtown then got dinner. We went back to my place and moved things from PG to R. 
Honestly, it has been SO long since I've had sex...so I was really in need. It was date #4 and I wanted to see how it was going to be. The sex was...um...well...not the best. He couldn't finish and said that it somewhat usual for him and happens sometimes. I knew it had been a while for him, but I kinda felt like I was back in high school/early college with the sex in general. It turned me off, honestly. We talked for a while afterwards and he ended leaving aronud midnight because I had to get up at 5 for a race this morning. I know I could have had him stay but by this point I just wasn't wanting that.
After he left I realized...I may not be that into A. He's SO nice. Seriously, he's like the nice "guy at church" my mom wants me to meet. but the more I learn about him I wonder if we really have much in common hobby/interest wise and if I am now dating him because he's the "nice guy". There have been a few red flags that popped up both Thursday and yesterday that make me want to step back a bit:
1. He doesn't drink. This isn't a huge issue just because of this fact alone but he talked about college and drinking the other night and I know he doesn't currently drink, so I aksed about it Thursday. Basically, he said he wound up in a pretty depressive state (as a result of the cancer) and went on binges to numb his emotional pain, so he gave it up 100% last summer. He's in counseling...but it made me concerned. I think there is more to explore there (like, has he given himself enough time to deal with this all? How does he deal with emotions, etc.?) Also, I like to drink. NOT get drunk, but I love wine (hell, a long lost dream of mine is to open/manage a winery someday) and there is nothing I love more than happy hour with friends. Yesterday when I was at the bar with friends/at dinner with A, I wanted to have a drink, but didn't because I didn't want A to feel "alone". But it kinda sucked.
2. Last night, post...sexy time, he let me know that as part of his cancer surgery, they gave him a vasectomy and therefore if he wants kids? His partner would have to be artifically inseminated. awkkkwwwaaarrrddd...(but at least I didn't have to worry about accidental pregnancy, right? And yes, I wrapped it up regardless of had I known this or not!) I know that this isn't a dealdreaker for me, but it made my guard up a bit?
3. He doesn't have alot of friends, or very many close friends LIke, he doesn't talk to anyone from college or his fraternity or when he lived in CA for 5 years, etc. As someone who treasures friendships and as someone who was married to someone who couldn't keep friendships at all (and this trickeled into every aspect of XH's life), this is a big deal to me. I kinda got the feeling about this on Thursday but inquired a bit more yesterday...it just doesn't sit right with me? You don't have to be Mr. 1000 friends by any means, but a few close confidants in life is really important IMO.
4. THe sex. It just wasn't that good. I mean, it did the job for me, but it didn't leave me wanting more. Honestly, my friend compared it to eating Taco Bell at 3am after you'd been drinking all night. At the time it's "OMG. The best burrito ever", but after you eat it, you know it really wasn't any good and you'd normally never like it.
I don't know that I'm feeling it. He texted me today that he wanted to come over like RIGHT NOW to "finish last night. wink wink" and I was busy pretty much all day anyways, but I just don't know.I really didn't jump to respond back right away. I feel that I owe him another few dates to make sure that it's something that I am not feeling.
We're supposed to hang out Tuesday and then my parents come into town for 10 days. I don't know if I just rip it off like a band aid and tell him Tuesday or see how Tuesday goes? How do I break it to him? He really IS a nice guy and I know he likes me...alot. I was into him, too, but now? I can't say "I'm not feeling the chemistry" because I had been. I know since we've had sex, I need to tell him in person. He lives an hour away, so it's not like it's easy to pop over either. So...not sure what to do. I really don't want to hurt him or be the b!tch.
Blech.
Re: Breaking it off with a "nice guy"...long and advice needed.
I had a kind of similar situation with a guy I worked with last summer... he was SO nice and we got along well and I really liked him. However when it went past the flirting stage I realized we weren't very compatible and there was no chemistry. The same thing happened in the bedroom (he couldn't get it up, etc) and I was just not attracted to him at all after that.
I told him the truth... it hurt him and he was really devestated because he really really liked me and thought we were headed for a serious relationship. Eventually we discussed the reasons (he works way too much, doesn't travel often, doesn't have many friends, is way too religous for me, etc) and he realized we wouldn't have worked. He also realized he needed to work on aspects of his life and has made lots of positive changes since (is on match.com, working less, traveling more, etc) and in the end he thanked me for his honesty.
I wouldn't go on anymore dates with him and/or try to make it work... it's only been 4 dates and you aren't feeling it, which is totally fine. He is a really nice guy - but just not the guy for you. Just be honest and wish him the best.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Big picture - it just doesn't seem to be quite "right".
One additional comment, though, on the drinking... I've known a few people who don't drink. Moving forward, if you meet someone else who doesn't - if you want a drink, then have one. Don't set up a false dynamic. you actually want to know that if he doesn't drink - does he care if you do? because moving forward - you need to nkow if that will be an issue or not.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Agreed. I dated a guy for about a month that didn't drink. While I respected his stance, he needed to respect mine. So when we went out to dinner, I ordered a glass of wine and he didn't. No biggie.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I broke up with a nice guy recently.
If you have this many concerns this soon I would rip off the band aid. In my case things came up over time, but as soon as I realized I wanted out I told him. You have a list of reasons as to why you are not feeling it. If you go on more dates do you honestly feel tha changing? Yes, a lot of times the sex can get better, but that is not the main concern here. My biggest red flag is the friendship issue... and it just doesn't sound like your lifestyles mesh well.
IT SUCKS, but you have to do it. I would have a short script in mind because in the moment it can be hard to formulate what you want to express.
Can I third this, please? I don't drink. I don't mind the occasional "Do you mind if I have a cocktail?" or "Is it okay with you if I have a glass of wine with dinner?" especially if it's a new acquaintance, but it bugs the heck out of me when someone I know would have a glass of wine in some other circumstance doesn't because he or she is with me.
You date someone to figure out if it's "there" or not. I think you've given it a fair shot, and sometimes it's pretty telling if you have sexx and you don't want more. Sometimes sexx can turn things really one way or another and it may have turned you off to the point of no return.
The thing is, there's no need to justify it or give it more of a chance. You have done that and it sounds like you aren't that into him. Even if you WERE feeling like you were into it, doesn't mean you can't change your mind (as it seems like you have).
If it were me, I'd cut it off because it's probably just going to go south from here. I think you'd be delaying the inevitable to try to keep it going.
Thanks all...I know what I have to do. Yuck...
As for the drinking thing, he totally doesn't mind if I drink so that's not it. He bought a bottle of wine for me when we cooked at his house and I only had a glass because I didn't want to be the only one drinking. I had a drink on St. Patricks Day, but didn't have more beacuse I didn't want him to be the only one not drinking. I guess I'm really a social drinker and enjoy drinking in the company of others, so I'm just not going to be the only one drinking or make him feel uncomfortable.
So, now the questions is: Tell him via phone or in person?? I can't exactly say "the sexx wasn't good and you don't have alot of friends", so how do I phrase that nicely.
Calling would be nicer. I would just say "you seem like a nice guy but I don't think the long term compatibility is there.".
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04