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Uncomfortable chats with my SIL
On Thursdays my SIL is off and she'll usually come by to chat and visit the boys. Today was no different she swung by around 12:30 and I fixed us a small lunch and we really enjoyed ourselves.
After lunch I put the boys down for their naps and my SIL and I retired to the den/ family room. We resumed chatting until she brought up, without preamble, her fertility issues. My SIL has been having some issues conceiving/ carrying to term and we had honestly never really talked about it before today.
Essentially I didn't mind listening to her and wished I could provide some insight but I mean what can you really tell someone who wants to be a mother yet can't seem to? It wasn't until she started asking me about how I conceived that the conversation got a bit uncomfortable. She asked me for my secrets and was becoming angry when I told her that truthfully there wasn't anything H and I had done to conceive as a matter of fact both boys were quite the surprise.
As the conversation progressed she then tells me that I shouldn't rub it in her face that I have my 2 children and that she still doesn't understand why it came so easy for her brother and I and she struggles. I calmly explained that I would NEVER do such a thing. At that point she smiles and tells me she's only kidding and its time for her to go. So she goes to the boys' rooms and kisses them goodbye, kisses me goodbye then leaves. Leaving me kinda in a WTF just happened state.
About 5 minutes ago she texted me that I am the best and she can't wait to see me Saturday night.
Thoughts ladies?
Re: Uncomfortable chats with my SIL
She's struggling with fertility issues and sometimes it just gets the best of her. She's not mad at you, just frustrated with what she's going through. Being around your sons and then hearing how easily you got pregnant just got to her. I'd take those things with a grain of salt, ans she's obviously having a tough time.
You sound like a very nice SIL.
Let her have some room to be odd on the topic. You can be generous with her.
I agree with the above posters. You SIL just needs someone to talk to. She may feel like this is her fault that she can't conceive and it is getting to her.
Try to be as open and supportive as you can be!
Please don't follow this advice. Just don't.
Ditto to this and to MarynJoe's previous post response.
Sensitivity gets the best of everyone sometimes, and she is going through a super emotional roller coaster. I think it's great you were there, and just be honest with her like you were, don't skirt around and dont feel guilty!
The above about fostering or adopting and the "dont worry it'll happen" and "if its gods plans" just dont do anything of that.
You don't even have to say much, just be an ear and supportive like you were in this instance.
As much as I would support her decision to become a foster parent or adopt.. I just don't feel like it's really my place to remind her of those options. I think she might even grow to resent me mentioning them. But I do appreciate any and all ideas you lovelies supply me.
I shot her a text back that she knows she can always come to me for ANYTHING.. Her reply, I know and I love you for that.
So, I think the jist is I'll continue to be here when she needs to vent..
Yeah... I can't begin to tell you how angering being told "just adopt" or "relax" is. Ihad IF problems. Why is it my job to save those kids? ANYONE who wants to can. It doesn't and shouldn't fall to only those who have trouble conceiving to do this - which how this kind of advice is read.
I think the ONLY person I'd ever be ok suggesting that to me is someone who has fostered/adopted themselves.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
She obviously needed someone to talk to, and felt that you would listen and not judge her.
I think she was being honest with you, and while you don't flaunt having babies in her face, she sometimes probably feels that way since she's struggling TTC.
My sister had a horrible time TTC and as a result she had no interest in my pregnancy and my DS for a long time. It wasn't until she herself was finally pregnant that she paid much attention to him without it being painfully obvious.
She probably is struggling to understand how it makes sense that other people don't have to try when she's trying very hard. I expected to have issues TTC DS and we didn't - but TTC #2 has been a whole different ballgame. I can empathize more with someone whose had issues now.
I think the key for her is just be there for her when she feels she needs to talk, and that's all you can do. It would seem she really was able to unload some emotional baggage and it helped her out.
she had a bad moment. let it go. she apologized. dont make it into more than it is. you've never had a bad moment during a struggle with something? of course you have.
As a person on the other side of this, cut her a little slack. My DH and I are struggling to get pregnant right now and it seems like there are babies everywhere. It hurts me more than I'd like to say sometimes when people tell me about their "oops" or how easy it was to get pregnant when DH and I are in the process of figuring out why we can't.
Be honored she trusts you enough to talk about such a sensitive subject and chalk up the weirdness to a moment of weakness on her part. I can say that I've been irrationally jealous of people before too. Do NOT suggest adoption or fostering to her. I can assure you that isn't what she wants to hear. She may get there on her own someday but until those words come out of HER mouth, don't bring it up. Be supportive of her, be a good listener, let her cry on your shoulder when things get overwhelming, help her try to find some humor in the stressfulness of it all and don't let the weirdness get in your way.
You sound like a really great SIL, and thank you for not mentioning fostering or adoption, I assure you she is aware that these things exist.
Just keep on keeping on.
She's in a "weird" (for lack of better term) place.
I think what you are doing is great, and obviously, you made her feel better, so you are "the best."
Aw, good for you.
She probably felt embarrassed after she left your house and it was probably the best thing you could have said to just let that all go and reaffirm that you will always be there.
Truly, I cannot imagine how struggling with infertility would change me, how it would affect my life. My heart just breaks for those struggling and I would make every effort to just be there.
She is sad and frustrated. There are a host of feelings that go along with fertility issues. It's a rollercoaster. She may even feel inadequate. I know a lot of people say not to bring up adoption, etc. It's something that would depend on the person. I would be okay with that. Some people feel that not having your own biological children isn't something that would work for them.
You could ask her if she has sought medical assistance - spoke with her GYN, met with a reproductive specialist.
Let me preface this by saying, I think you did NOTHING wrong.
Put yourself in her place. I'm a newlywed and not trying to conceive atm, but I can't imagine the pain if I knew I couldn't. Then all of a sudden my sister tells me "It was easy for me, I didn't try" I'm going to feel even more 'weird and something's wrong with me" than before, so of course I get angry because I'm emotional.
Again, you meant NOTHING by your comment, which was the truth: you didn't even try and ta da - there's an adorable little life in your tummy
But for her it could be 'evidence' that something is wrong with her. She probably realized mid - conversation she was getting angry for nothing and that's why she calmed down and said "you're the best".
I agree with everyone else: DO NOT recommend anything to her like fostering or adoption. That's between her and her husband. I think you did the right thing; you just got caught in an awkward situation.
I hope and pray she feels better!