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Intro
I've been lurking over here for a couple months now and you all seem like a bunch of supportive, real people. I feel like I just need to get this all out with someone other than my therapist.
I'll try and make this as un-rambly and possible. First..I am a 36yr old SAHM of a 6 and 3 year old.
About 3 months ago I started getting just really....low. Just in a major funk that seemed impossible to break free of. I didn't enjoy the things I usually do like cooking/baking, running. I wasn't able to keep up with the housework as well as usual. Everything is just a massive monumental effort. My appetite went to sh*t, and I haven't been able to get a good night's sleep since around that time. At first I chalked it up to SAD. But as the weeks wore on I knew this wasn't different than my usual late winter blues.
So....I started just taking a look at my life in general, and for the first time ever, I have been able to admit to myself that I am just so unhappy and unfulfilled in my marriage. My husband is an excellent provider and a good father. However, he is a distant, introverted man with serious intimacy problems. We never fight. I mean never. I learned years ago to not push him on "issues" because he would just shut down and say "whatever" and walk out of the room. (His motto is "ignore it and it will go away". I mean it). And then I would get the silent treatment for days, sometimes a week. I am not a person who deals with confrontation well, and my ego bruises very easily. So I've just....endured. When I don't like something I just pretty much keep it to myself. He never asks about ME. "How was your run today?" etc. I ask about him and his stuff all the time and get one word answers. He doesn't ever hug or kiss me or give me affection unless he's trying to have sex. He gets sulky if I'm not in the mood. So....this has led me to hate sex, but do it anyway because I don't want to deal with the freeze out later. He doesn't have friends (his best friend is a guy whol lives two states away- they see eachother a couple times a year), he doesn't like parties, holidays etc. In fact when we go see his family he will just sit in a corner and read. He's just kind of a cold person. Many times someone in the family (mostly his!) will tell me they don't know how I deal with it. He's always been this way....to an extent. It's definitely gotten worse over the years. But this is..Him. I guess I should also mention I think he had an affair when I was pregnant with my youngest. I have no hard evidence and at the time I was so so scared that I dared not look. Because if I looked and it was proven, he would be out and I would be alone with an infant and a 2.5 year old. It was too much.
For the most part I've fooled myself into thinking it's no big deal, and I'm strong. This isn't SO bad. But it is bad...and I'm miserable. So I've started seeing a therapist on my own. And I've learned a lot about myself. I had some pretty decent trauma as a child (my Mother abandonded me and my father and stepmother were neglectful--both emotionally and physically). I'm starting to see how all of that affected who I became and how it affected my choice in a mate. I was neglected as a child, so I chose a man who was emotionally neglectful as well. My self esteem is sh*t.
When I first started therapy I sort of thought she would suggest H and I go to marriage couseling and try to work things out. But she didn't. At all. In fact she has suggested I make a 2-3 year plan to go back to school, get my ducks in a row so that I can support me and my kids. I have no career to fall back on after having been out for 6 years. The thought of faking my way through 3 years of this makes me want to run away. Far far away. But there is no way I could walk away in a financial sense. We bought the house in 2006. So we're under water. We'd never be able to sell it. I have no income. He doens't make enough to support himself separately from us...Etc. I feel so so trapped. Do you think I need to seek out another therapist? I sort of was taken aback that she was so quick to suggest I get out.
I don't know if there's a point to this post. I guess I just feel incredibly alone and I'm having a hard time figuring out how to deal with daily life with this over my head....
Re: Intro
I don't know if you need a new therapist; therapy doesn't help you become happy despite being in a crappy situation, you know?
And it's not just your marriage. It's everything. You're depressed because there's so very little in your life that brings you joy, because your life is devoid of anything stimulating - friends, career, a loving partner. Each one of these could be depressing alone, but all of them? It's a wonder that you're functioning as well as you are.
I do not know why you are so surprised that she would suggest you get out. I would suggest the same thing and ive only read one post.
here is a better question...why would you stay with a man who gives you nothing but a paycheck?
When you are low, you are attracted to all kinds of situations that also make you feel low. Kuus is right, going to therapy doesn't make you happy. It helps you begin to tolerate and deal with the pain of the past and to be able to move on and make better decisions for yourself in the present and future by taking care of yourself and your needs.
Therapy has helped me deal with a lot of the things I was struggling with in the past so I could move forward into a healthy life. I suggest you keep going there.
If you're planning to stay in your marriage for now, why not at least try to make it better? Have you discussed marriage counseling with your H? Does he know you want to leave him? It sounds like you and your therapist assume the he will never change, which may be true or may be false. You won't know until you know. At least you will know you tried everything you possibly could to save your marriage, which might make leaving easier when the time comes.
You also sound like you may have depression. Although you have plenty of reasons to feel down, it seems significant that you no longer enjoy running like you used to. There may be some biochemistry adding to your current suffering. What has your therapist said/done in that regard?
I also realize that my "wanting to save the marriage" might be a lot less about loving him and being scared of divorce and all the fallout that comes with it. If I'm being honest....I don't know that I was ever "in love" with him. Ya know the whole, butterflies, "just gotta have him" type feeling. Yes, there was love. Sexual attraction? Unfortunately not.
To the other pp...Yes, I am depressed. yes definitely. My therapist did ask if I wanted to go on anti-depressants. And right now I just don't think I am comfortable with it.
I don't think you need a new therapist. You describe what he does as just "him". I don't really see your husband changing because of counseling and I am all for counseling. Been there myself. But for you it would be a waste of time. This situation seems too far gone.
What would your husband say to a separation?
You've had a hard life. It looks like you have some wonderful goals. I found a couple of online articles and I hope they help you. http://www.marriagemax.com/blog/emotional-cheating-affairs-telltale-signs-cope/
http://www.marriagemissions.com/emotional-abandonment-my-spouse-is-emotionally-distant/
Marriage counseling will only work if he wants to change too. You can't make him change and if he's been like this his whole life it sounds like his flaw not yours. Good luck to you and your kids, seperation and divorce are never easy. Other people can say run-run-run, but they don't have to deal with the fall-out.
Talk to him, let him know what you suspect about the cheating and that you feel hurt and if he doesn't change then you have to decide for yourself if you can live with him.
All the best,
Okay...I don't think you have to "just deal with it". Have you considered getting back into massage therapy part-time? It would be good to earn some extra money that you can start to sock away and it would get out there networking with people who might be able to lead you to a job once you do become a PTA.
I think making a "get out" plan is a smart idea.
But I have a question. Have you talked to your husband about all of this? Does he know why you are in therapy? Does he know that you're this unhappy? Does he know you're considering a split? Does he know you want to go back to school/work?
Okay... Everything you wrote is ME in a nutshell except for the abandonment issues. My childhood was amazing. My husbands not so much.
I am going against what most think and I am going to agree with your therapist. Maybe getting a career or a job would boost your self worth. And you wouldn't feel so "trapped". doesn't mean you have to divorce him. What helped for me was that my DH didn't change... my dealings with him did. I expected more from him than he emotionaly can give. I found from going to therapy that DH shows his love in much different ways than I do. I found out that I was depressed and started medication. Dealing with two little kids and an emotionally void husband is a lot. I got a job. I got out of my house, I kept up with therapy where I learned to accept my DH's quirks and ways to encourage him to grow more and tell him what I need. Is he 100% better... no not at all. But he tries. And to be honest, he had NO idea how depressed I was about things because I didn't share it with him. Which it sounds like is the same in your situation.
My DH didn't have an affair nor did I ever suspect that. I am thinking that until you confront him about this, its going to hang over your heads your whole marriage. Don't end a marriage on a maybe...
Bottom line YOU deserve to be happy. If DH isn't making you happy, and you have communicated to him what you need and he still refuses, then maybe it is time to move on.
And because I felt (unconsiously) that maybe I'm not worth the trouble and maybe he'll just say "screw this" and leave me (like my Mom) I've allowed that door of communication to close. I'm just now starting to realize that hey, I am worth it! And if he doesn't think so then it is time to move on. My fear is subsiding on that level. I do need to tell him what I need....
This thread has actually helped me.