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update on babysitting issues..
After telling my mom politely that maybe she should get a babysitter or nanny to really help with the kids (she and her bf got married and now has 2 little step-children) since she is going to have surgery soon and possibly treatment and my step father who has 50-50 custody stupidly and "oopsies" "forgot" about all this and agreed to take them more next month. She replied to my question by saying "no we got this, between you and your brother and sister I think it will work out". I replied by saying well Im married and I really don't have time in the morning to run the little ones around with things I have to get done.
Again I just believed her and thought well they got it handled she knows Im busy. Fast forward to 7:30 am and she is calling my and once again my step father "forgot" that his kid was on spring break and everyone way busy so she wanted me to come, from 8-11 or so. Today was my first day of vacation and I went to be at 5 last night watching movies and such and "treating" myself to sleep in with my hubby whom works nights. I replied by saying Ill be there and that a lack of plans on someones part shouldn't constitute an emergency on MY part.
She then told me oh his real mother will pick him up at 9 maybe 9:30 latest. Soooo I did all this just cause no one could wait 30 before the other parent picked him up. I then explained that I want to help her after surgery but it wasn't fair everyone has to have a burden cause her hard a** husband can't pay for child care. My brother is in high school and has already missed a lot of days to help with these kids...seriously? Who does that?
She then said she would drop everything to help someone no matter what it was. I explained well Im married and I have things to get done too. I want to help her and have offered to take her to the spa, clean the house after surgery, go to doc apps, and help cook dinner but evenings would be easier for me to help.
I also tried to explain that it isn't fair to everyone else to have to watch these kids because they can't and aren't willing to pay for childcare. I said its hard to hear you don't want to hire a babysitter cause you can do it yourself when you call me to watch them. This also isn't the first time and its always last min and well my step dad never thanks me and tries to negotiate paying me.
My mom then told me how she hated to "burden" me and I don't do well with stress...uhm what? And that she will never ask for another favor again..again where is the maturity? Its hard to not be mad when the hard a** can't pay for childcare yet he can go to bars a lot and wanted to pay for her boob job and just bought a 1500 computer when they have 5 already.
Not to mention the other parents came to pick him up 50 min. late and said nothing. The kid doesn't behave and broke his glasses and was running around the house throwing toys. This is evil but I left it a crap mess cause I was done, I wasn't going to clean it.
Vent over I know I need to grow some balls and just say enough is enough. I just feel guilty a bit but don't think its fair that someone should determine how much "help and favors you are willing to give".
Would you make this clear now? or would you flat out say no when asked again if I can watch them (if they go against their words of not asking me again which come on we both know its't a chance). Im taking her to a doc app. tomorrow at 5 and want it to be smooth sailing.
Now matter how much driving I do or errands or these babysitting gigs it always seems like its never enough or appriciated.
Re: update on babysitting issues..
I know everyone told me to just say "no" and how im unable, but I know I would get endless crap about how I am "selfish" and can't handle stress.. Is it wrong to leave them hanging and tell them sorry Im busy when they have to leave in 30 min and didn't think about childcare? I mean how do you forget your son is on break?
Would it be better to say ok im done no more since you can "figuere" it out and said you don't need your help
or be a biotch and say sorry I thought you didn't need help why are you calling?
also adding: This year I planned a wedding in 5 months, had a miscarriage and huge problems with MIL( her bf almost went to jail ) and had some marital issues and communication issues..never once did anyone offer to come over and help and do ANYTHING. Yet Im expected to help?
I know everyone told me to just say "no" and how im unable, but I know I would get endless crap about how I am "selfish" and can't handle stress.. Is it wrong to leave them hanging and tell them sorry Im busy when they have to leave in 30 min and didn't think about childcare? I mean how do you forget your son is on break?
You don't need to give reasons or excuses. "NO" is fine. "No, I cannot help" and repeat as necessary or just hang up the phone when you've had enough.
If people want to biitch about you being selfish or unable to handle stress or whatever, let them. Or just hang up on them. How does it affect you if they say shiit about you? Why would you WANT to do favors for people who treat you like shiit? Why do you care about offending people who clearly don't give a rat's_ass how YOU feel about anything? What would be lost in this relationship if you put a stop to this nonsense?
They've learned that they can manipulate you into doing what they want by saying mean things to you, so stop this NOW. Once they see that they can't bully you into doing their bidding anymore, they'll cut it out because they can no longer get their way. Or they'll stop talking to you since you've stopped doing them favors (which means they were only talking to you in the first place to get favors from you). Either way, YOU are the winner in this situation. Not them.
So, your mother insults you and then you cave. What's wrong with being selfish or unable to handle stress? Those don't sound so bad. Neither of them sound like a very good role models on not being selfish anyway.
You seem desperate to get her to stop making you jump through hoops, rather than to stand up to her. You only need to say "no" when she asks at a bad time. Of course she's going to be pissy and say nasty things - she does it every time! Expect it, build up a strenght against it -and do LESS the more she treates you badly.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If your brother is missing school to take care of these kids it is time to get the school involved. That is BS.
And the answer is, "Sorry Mom, I'm not available that day." On repeat.
People who get away with it, that's who. She's getting what she wants; why on earth would she change her behavior?
I would recommend the book "Don't say 'Yes' when you want to say 'No.'" I'm sure there are more recent books out there ("Boundries," for example) but I haven't read them. "Why do I say Yes..." is probably avail at your library.
One chapter deals with being called names (selfish, greedy, mean, etc.). It says that you can take their power away by agreeing with them, and then stating that you are unable to help. For example, "Maybe that does make me selfish, but I cannot help you today." "I suppose I am selfish, but I will not be babysitting."
You will not change your mother or her husband, so you need to change your own behavior. When they call you early in the morning, you KNOW it can only be one thing they want - - childcare!!! So DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE. Seriously, if it is an emergency, you will get a phone call from the local hospital, not your mom or stepdad. Let it go to voicemail. And if they ask where you were, tell them you were busy (which, you could be "busy" watching television). If they want you to babysit tomorrow morning, tell them "sorry, I have plans." THEN HANG UP!!! Don't engage in a conversation about why you can't help or what they can do. Stop taking their phone calls and respond only when they text message you.
Telling your mom that "your lack of planning doesn't create my emergency" could not be further from the truth, because you MADE IT your emergency.
The word is "No." Repeat as needed.
Beyond that, wtf does being married have anythong to do with you not being willing to provide childcare? You are not the childrens parent or step-parent--you have zero responsibility to care for them. Zero. And I'd be calling the HS and letting them know your mom is keeping your brother home from school to provide childcare for her, not because he is sick.
So, the update is
nothing has changed....you continue to be a doormat.
Just tell them that you're no longer available to be a parent to these kids. I mean for heaven's sake, these kids already have at least 3 parents, and they still can't make it work without getting you and your brother invovled?
Just tell them you're willing to help out in an emergency. Not getting childcare is not an emergency. You're not going to be cheap labor for your parents' responsibilities. Who cares what they say to that? Just tell them no. Tell them they're taking advantage of you, and you're not going to accept it anymore.
Thank you for all your words of wisdom. I have always been a people pleaser and hate disappointing people. Im going to take her to the doctors tomorrow and If It gets brought up I will tell her I can't anymore, and when she asks again just say nope sorry that won't be good for me today. I really want to her but Im seeing how wrong it is to expect people to bend backwards knowing that they wouldn't do it for me if I needed it. I have asked once if she could help let me dogs out while we were gone a day and she said she was busy and I never asked again.
It makes me feel guilty but manipulating people to do stuff isn't cool just because I wont "help" with the kids when I have repeatedly have told them in a nice way I would prefer not to and its a lot to handle.
Ugh and we got a call my DH is going out on patrol. Im so happy for him and this is a step up in his career but dam-it It just makes me scared. We live in a area that is nice but surrounding area can get very ghetto and dangerous. So thats just icing on the cake.
Re: Thank you for all your words of wisdom.
They gave you great advice BTW. I just read this post because I also have two young ones and have"babysitting issues"... and you know how my DH and I solve them? by hiring a highly referred local babysitter.
Its terrible your Mom and her husband don't seem to be able/willing to do that. Their children - their responsibility. GL and please don't feel bad saying "no" - I would never dream of treating family this way. I also feel bad for these children - you all deserve better.
Agreed!