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need advice- in law issues i never thought would happen!
hi all,
i desperately want advice on this situation, so thank god for this board. this is a little long but back ground history is relevent....
i met my now husband back in oct 2009 and everything was AMAZING. before meeting his family, they all added me to facebook... to me it seemed a little soon (a matter of days after us meeting)... but my husband had said nothing about wonderful things about them and that "they would love me". and love me they did. i felt extremely accepted; everyone appeared to like to me. my family became close with my now-husbands family... we were one big "happy" family... but as time went on, my gut instinct starting singing out to me,.
When i met my husband, he was a bachelor, with no money, no goals, heavy smoker and loved to drink his pay away. He was living an hour away from his family and very rarely saw them. Despite having so many qualities i ordinarily wouldn't go for (in the bad habits), my now-husband was everything i wanted in the sense that he was the most beautiful warm kind hearted man, He settled down with me, he quit smoking, hardly ever drinks, began eating better... started setting goals. he often claimed/claims; "meeting you has made me want to start living!" - his family often somewhat put him down to me in a sugar coated way, saying things such as; "we were so worried about him before you... we love you for coming along so much". i used to reply; "he was always the person he is now, he just needed inspiration"
We moved back to where his family and my family live, as we were all so close. but within a matter of months... that gut instinct started going OFF! i began to be portrayed as ditzy by MIL, SIL and two BIL.... id say something slightly silly and theyd all laugh and go "awww you're so cute ally! this is why we love you" - all that was in harmless fun, i believed. i started noticing a roll of the eye here and there... snickering... my sil even tried to form a close relationship with my sister, once statingl; "youre like the sister i never had" , my own sister thought that was a little odd.
life moved on throughout 2010 and we got engaged. it was a really happy occasion. when my SIL got engaged just 3 months later and decided to marry before us, i was happy for her! i had the best time at her wedding and it was a beautiful day. the following day, on fb ofcourse, his mother had a status reading; "dont you just love it when you do what you can for people, and they STILL *** behind your back?!" - i felt sick, thinking if it was about me. silly paranoid me. my husband laughed and said; "ally, how can it be about u! u didnt say anything?!" and true as that was, i noticed mil had gone cold on me when i tried to sit with her later that evening.
finally she contacted my husband, and said; "it was about you two! someone from your table heard you bitching about where you were sitting! you said you were the reject table!" - i was a WRECK as i had NOT said anything of the kind and had the best night!!!!
everything spiralled from then. we all moved on, but things just got colder. my husband and i didnt spend a mass amount of time visiting her, maybe once or twice a week for lengthly visits. (i think sufficient?!) however SIL and BIL pretty much live there, and are there nearly every night. i asked MIL if she had any problems with me as i was getting a vibe, it was the hardest thing for me to do. she smiled and reassured me; "you are once of us... we love you"
we married in oct 2011, it was amazing. we returned from honeymoon a week later, and MIL, SIL, and BIL's completely went insane. making claims about us, critising us etc... then at christmas acting like we imagined the whole thing?!?!
we decided to move hometowns, while we were still on bearable terms. not long before we left, MIL became engaged. she held my hand and said; "i am so happy you are here"... it was a little odd, but...sweet?
My husband has had a few heated arguements with my inlaws since the wedding, as thats when it got really bad. i have ALWAYS stayed out of it, as i hate to say, they intimidated me. it seems the more he gets his life on track independently, the more aggitated they become. we own our own cars, pay our rent, have the occasional weekend away... we struggle sometimes but we do ok! we work hard. this meant when moving new towns, we both gained new full time employment. we were working long hours and barely even get to see each other aside from before bed at night. we cant just pop over every night when we live over an hour away. i see my family as much as we see his.
his mum went into hossie for a hysterectomy, and as we couldnt get down there due to work, we called everyday. noone picked up. we tried texting... hubby finally got a text saying; "thanks", as he had wished her well etc.
we were in the hometown last saturday for a birthday, and wanted to see his family too as we believed we should! the bday was at 4. it was my nieces. we asked if we could visit MIL at 2pm before the party. her reply, was "no. im home at 4. why dont you leave the party and come back? its the least you could do as i have been in hospital". as we werent going to leave our nieces 1st bday, she wrote back; "oh well 
" - MIL had also gone very cold on my sister and her husband, again dont know why....
now, this is where i need the advice, and what lead me to that long story:
Yesterday, my husband had his first day off in awhile. we had a lot to do around the house. He posted a status reading; "loves sundays"
MIL immediately wrote;" you could come visit me, that would be nice 
" hubby explained that it was late in the arvo, we were exhausted, and both had early shifts the next day. his brother wrote; "TYPICAL!!!! you can make time for HER family, but not your mum?" - rather than start crap on facebook, the root of all evil, he called his mum on the phone and all she did was yell. about how we didnt care, etc. in the end, husband said; "mum, look, if you want to believe that ally and i dont care about you, sit around with sil and bil and whinge, i dont care. but we do love you, and do care, and..." she then cut him off and said; :"i have no problem with you daniel. its ally and allys family for manipulating you into believing we are bad so YOU go F&*k yourself!"
my husband was hysterical, extremely emotional. with all her flaws, id never have expected that of her. never. she adores her kids. i wrote to her saying; "you really believe that about me...?" and she wrote back, after 2 years of telling me she loved and adored me, " F*&K OFF!!!!! you got what you wanted, now go live your happy life with MY SON:". Husband and i just held each other and cried. we were so exhausted. Husband has cut them off. said he's done. hes changing his number, deleted them on fb, and refusing to go to his mums engagement party next week. I told him despite this, he shouldnt make a rash decision, as one day when shes gone, i dont want him to regret or resent me. He said he can't do it anymore, and not if shes going to treat me that way.
I want advice from those that have cut out family... does it work? we are trying for a baby and while this woman is rude, manipulative and smothering, i wanted her to be our babies nanny! i have never spoken poorly of MIL and never would have, had this not happened. its killing me knowing my husband has said goodbye to the people he grew up with. as a wife, what do i do? i feel good about his choice and then i remember this if for life, and just want to be sick
Re: need advice- in law issues i never thought would happen!
You're living in a fantasy land. It's not uncommon for ILs to over-share in the begining and then resent your independence around the wedding. We see it all the time on the boards. But I am alarmed that you would *want* this hostile, insulting woman to be the nanny for your would-be baby. It just screams that you are not seeing her or your relationship together with any clarity. Goodness, your husband is cutting her out of his life and in the next sentence your pining that you *want* her as a nanny! Take a step back and focus. I think your desire for "one big happy family" has completley clouded your judgement to what's happening right in front of you. The only thing I wonder about is how much you both supported her through her hospitalization and illness, she may be frightened and felt lonely - but that's for you to reflect upon. The rest is letting go of your illusion that this family is supportive.
If nothing else, let go of any illusion that she would be a nanny to your child.
Hi, thankyou for your reply, i am spot on. I am living in a fantasy land, its all come tumbling down now though and as my sister would say; "people always end up showing their true colours"
just to clarify, as i wrote about to another reply, i completely worded that part about the nanny, wrong. First of all by nanny, i meant grandparent. i got ahead of myself and didn't explain what i meant. i HAD wanted this woman to be a grandparent to our future child, in the "fantasy land". now, with true colours shining, its just not going to happen. i think thats why i am panicking about the future and how best to handle it all.
I think you have a great husband. He stands up for you. Many women have the exact opposite problem. For now, support your husband, let him support you. Let your IL's extend the olive branch if they choose to in the future.
You haven't done anything wrong. Your DH hasn't done anything wrong. What happened was that when he met you, his family dynamics changed. He was no longer laying around drinking and doing nothing with his life. His family has always had him around to make them feel as if they are better than him. But now, it's changed. He's doing well, he found a good woman, and his family is stirring up crap.
If he watns to cut his family out of his life, it's his choice. There's nothing you can do about it. It's good that he took that step. His family has been treating him like crap and it's about time he stood up for himself. They'll come around when they realize he's serious and isn't putting up with their negative behavior anymore. If they never come around, then he doesn't need them in his life anyway.
You've gotten great advice from PPs. Truly, these people are bringing unneeded negativity into your lives, and are not treating you with respect. Let your husband cut them out, it is his decision to do so. He is showing how much he supports you and won't tolerate your mistreatment, and that is a great thing. If they want any sort of relationship with you and your H, they need to be the ones to change their behavior.
FWIW, I have a similar personality to yours in that I always want to fix things. But I've learned that you can't "fix" a situation where another person is dead set on causing drama. You don't deserve to be treated like that, you have done nothing wrong. Sometimes it's better to just walk away. Sorry that you've been treated so poorly
Yeah, I guessed you weren't from the U.S. when you said "hossie" for hospital. I've never heard that.
Yes, cutting parents off can work. The point is not necessarily to cut them off permanently, but to show them that their actions have consequences. They treat you poorly? They don't get a relationship. That way, if the relationship mends in the future, theoretically they behave better because they know that if they don't, it'll mean the end of the relationship..probably permanently. If you continue to have a relationship with someone who treats you poorly, it shows that you're just willing to take it and take it. Why should they change if you continue to take it?
So, stay strong and stay the course. Maybe they'll realize the error of their ways and maybe they won't. Either way, it's not good to have stressful and dramatic people in your lives.
I think she meant nannie =grandmother
nannie instead of nanna.
To the OP: It sounds like you have a good man. You are his primary family now. His devotion should be to you. Good for him for not putting up with his mother's horrible treatment toward you and him.
My husband also had to take a stand with his mother when she absolutely skewered me calling me all kinds of names in email, etc. He wouldn't speak to her or let her visit until she apologized.
I wish you luck.
They sound jealous, like they feel you took DH away from them. He is putting you and your marriage first and it hurts them. They obviously have big issues and you can't fix it. Just stop going out of your way to see them or talk to them. Don't call, ignore their call if it makes you feel better than talking to them will. These people are toxic and while it's very nice that you are considering DH's future when your MIL is gone, it's now that matters most and the two of you deserve to be in a happy place where you will begin your family together.
Why are ANY of his family on your FB? Delete them all. I don 't have any of my DH's family on mine except for a teenage cousin and I even have him blocked from my wall. Sounds like they are jealous that you "stole" away their son. That's how these type see it. I was accused of "Having my DH all to myself" by my FIL. They are pathtic and just annoyed that I did not become the DIL that kissed their ass and thought it was cute that they treated my husband like a 5 year old boy instead of a man.
Ignore them. It's very easy. Watch when you have the baby how "nice" they will turn. It's all an act bc they think it'll get them more time with your baby. You can have a successful marriage. Just let DH deal with the solely. No spending time with them alone and NO FB crap. They post stupid crap. IGNORE IT. Trust me. Not getting a reaction from them will make them seeth inside and you look like you took the high rode.
I would like to echo the sentiments of donnycornelius. Cutting off family does work, even though it is extremely difficult to do. It is about showing people that bad bahavior, rudeness and mistreatment have consequences. We all deserve to be treated with respect. By allowing people to continually bring negativity into your life, you are allowing them to place undue stress on you, your relationship with DH and the dynamics of your future family. You and DH need to live your lives free from worry of how to please people who cannot find happiness themselves.
My DH and I have unfortunately cut ties with the majority of this family. It was a tough decision that was made after many attempts to work through the family's issues. Staying the course isn't an easy task, but it has allowed DH and I to remain close, become stronger as a couple and helped us get rid of so much family-related stress. Your DH's family may never change and that's fine. You and DH don't have to be part of the cycle of madness just because you are family. Do what's right for you and things will work out for the best, with or without his family.