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More holiday family stress
I don't get my family. Really don't get them. This is our year to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Every year for the past 12+ years, basically everyone from both sides has come to my parents' house. While I like that it streamlines everything, it was always a bit annoying because nobody really likes each other but they all end up staying forever. So, this year, we got a hotel room for the holiday to, in part, be able to get away without going crazy (there are also sleeping space issues at my parents' house).
Well, this year, within the past 2 days, for some reason, my grandma has decided she wants to have her own Thanksgiving for her side of the family, even though everyone who would go to Thanksgiving at my parents' lives within a 6-block radius. This is how we do Christmas, and given the family dynamics (let's just say certain people shouldn't be in the same room), it's very stressful (not to mention my uncle smokes like a chimney, and I'm very allergic). Except nobody realizes how stressful it is because this has been the family dynamic for as long as I can remember.
I feel like a petulant child by complaining about this. Really, I do. But I'm so frustrated. Think I can call in sick to Thanksgiving?
Re: More holiday family stress
my read shelf:
That's part of the problem, too... I get legitimately very sick from cigarette smoke. As in, I'll be sick for days. But - if I don't go, I'll be seen as the family jackass. This is one area my parents do still treat me like a child. If I tell them I'm not going, even if I say I'm not going because Uncle's cigarette smoke will make me sick until the following Wednesday, the response will be "yes, you are. You have to. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do." My mom already thinks I don't like her side of the family (which is only partially true). And my grandpa died 4 months ago (somehow that will come up if I mention the idea of not going). It's literally not an option to not go unless we skip Thanksgiving entirely.
I don't have a whole lot of experience with bad family dynamics, but I'm gaining them
I'm not close with my father and there was some drama at our wedding. I've walked quite the tightrope with his family over the years, and I was afraid that was all blown to smithereens and they'd hate me forever.
Turns out they're so used to drama, they just keep going like nothing ever happened. It's not like they realized I was drama free and I held a special place in their heart or anything. We're never going to be besties, but we weren't before either.
So my advice is, whatever you do, it's possible it won't phase them that much. Your parents will find something to guilt you on either way - the question is do you want to be miserable anyways?
Have I mentioned they also hold grudges?
Seriously, sometimes I really have no idea how I came from this family.
If you can't say no to them entirely, tell them you are having dinner with your husband and you will be over for dessert. Or you'll meet them the next day for leftovers.
I am sick of family holiday stress and ours is relatively calm compared to most people. I just lay down the law and the parents have to learn to deal. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. My mother is not thrilled that I won't be home for Christmas this year, but whatever. She'll get over it. She has to, I'm her daughter.
Honestly, I know they're your parents, etc., you love them etc. but I would put my foot down and say no. You are an adult. If they hold grudges - that's their problem not yours. There is no reason you should make yourself physically ill over this.
my read shelf:
This part pisses me off the most:
Such bullshit! Maybe this is the rule when you're a child, but that's one of the benefits of being a grown-up: you get to choose your own misery.
I haven't had to deal with too much drama, being that I come from a very small family and DH's family is 3 hours away. We usually do T-day with my folks (1 hour away) and then Christmas Eve with my folks, then drive down to the IL's on Christmas day. This is the standard arrangement, and I'm usually ok with it.
However, one Christmas I did put my foot down and said, "we're staying home this Christmas. We are a family too, and I want to start our own traditions." That didn't go over too well, and the inevitable "you're not really a family until you have kids" sentiment came creeping out. I guess we'll never be a real family, since no kids are forthcoming from my loins, ever!
Sorry, I think I hijacked your thread.
I think the idea of your own dinner (or dinner elsewhere) and going to your folks for dessert is a great one. It will ruffle feathers, it will create some resentment. But that's the other part of being a grown-up, realizing that your actions have consequences, and deciding that the consequences are livable.
I swear, holidays make people crazy. As crazy as weddings, really. I had a BF many years ago who's mom was The Matriach, and everyone always went to her house (tiny condo) for Christmas. It didn't matter that all her grown kids had spouses/partners of their own, Christmas belonged to Grandma. Period. Because I was new to the family, I went along with it, and my mom was pretty hurt.
Oh, and my parents live over 3 hrs away from us, so we're in for the haul. Hence the staying in a hotel idea that was going to save my sanity.
I'm an only child. I know that's part of the reason for the crazy. I could go on and on (but I won't). The holidays are just a different brand of crazy.
Normally, they're very rational, sane people. When we're 200 miles apart, we get along great. When they come to visit me, we get along great. Like you said, Brittany, holidays must make people crazy. The sooner they realize that we most of us have nothing in common with one another except a bloodline, the better we'll all be.