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Vent: The things people say post-breakup
I know people probably mean well when they do this, but why don't they know that insulting my ex bf does NOT make me feel any better about our breakup? Mind you, the latest comments have come from people who barely know me. Ran into a distant cousin over the weekend who met him ONCE and said "Oh I didn't really "get" the 2 of you together anyway" and then an acquaintance actually wrote on my FB WALL "I personally thought you were too pretty for him anyway" (I removed it). Well, I obviously didn't feel that way and isn't that insulting my judgement, not to mention being such a superficial comment?
Similar things happened at the end of my last relationship so it's not like it's any big surprise to me but it's just so irritating. Of course down the road I am open to hearing INTELLIGENT reasons that those who know me think things didn't work out, but for right now comments like this are so uninvited.
Oh and if ONE more person says "Everything happens for a reason." I swear I will punch them and ask if they know what the "reason" for that is. End of vent....
You gotta get spanked by a lot of frogs...
Re: Vent: The things people say post-breakup
Well, then I'm glad I didn't tell you good riddance with a side of "I told you so."
How are you feeling, since we're on the topic?
I am not sure what kind of comments I am going to receive when I change my name on Facebook. I am about to find out rather soon.
I am sorry, I think it is mostly like you say, these are the people that barely knows you. Since they don't know you well enough, they probably want to say something but really don't know what to say. I really don't think they were mocking your intelligence. But I totally get the irritations from your end.
I agree. While I appreicate that people are trying to be supportive, insulting someone who I chose as a mate often made me feel like A. they didn't like him the whole time or B. that I "chose" poorly (well, clearly, I did, but that wasnt' going to make me feel better!). The worst for me was "thank God you didn't have kids with him!" like that was supposed to be this magical blessing. I guess maybe, but it was SO not what I wanted to hear at the time when I was realizing that my plans to have a family were indefinately on hold.
I think it's a natural defense people say. They often don't mean it and are trying to make you feel better about yourself and the situation.
When me and my ex broke up my sister took it upon herself to text him and tell him what a loser he is. I was so mad at her. Not to mention he is the father of my son. It is best for all involved if people just stay out of it and keep their opinons to themselves.
The thing is, anyone who knows the "inside" info can go ahead and say what you said. These people are pretty much strangers just making judgements based on superficial observations. The truth was that my close friends and family all REALLY liked him, even my mother who has never really enjoyed anyone I've brought home before very much. But of course, with the way things ended their opinions of him have changed.
As for me, I'm doing as you'd expect. Sad but I'm trucking along. Mad that I wasted 9 months but glad it wasn't longer and didn't involve anything more serious like living together. More mad about feeling like all the things he said he wanted were just lies. I've cut off contact with him and am just focusing on me, crying when I need to(like a LOT this week). I have a great support system and can't really complain about anything else in my life, so I just have to let time do it's healing thing. Thanks for asking.
I HATE this phrase, and I hate being "At least-ed". Like because "at least you didn't/have/whatever ____" some how means my pain should be less? Or I should be grateful?
I'm sure they are trying to be supportive, and I am positive I do it to, but when I am in a bad mood, it doesn't help.
I know, and I never respond negatively directly to the person. It just gets to me. What's so hard about just saying something like "Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing ok?"
Another poster mentioned the "at least" comments, those are so irritating too. I do want to scream "That doesn't make the hurt less!!" In my case it's "at least you didn't move in together" and "at least you found out NOW". Well it sucks now and it would have sucked in a year. It just SUCKS. I BELIEVED we would do those things, I believed that he wanted them and it sucks that it was all a lie.I know I used to be guilty of saying things like this to people but over my years of dating have learned how they are NOT the things to say.
I think I'd like to add "It's HIS loss" to this list too. Yeah it is. Problem is the only one of us feeling a loss right now as far as I know is ME.
"Everything happens for a reason.."
Yes, I left my X and it happened because he was a sick pervert.
I became broke as a joke and it happened because I had to support a new child, a house and a all the bills on my lone income when everything had been planned with TWO salaries in mind.
I got through it and I am happy. This happened because despite my circumstances I worked my butt off in therapy, at work and at home to get my sh!!!!t together.
I could have just as easily given in to all the stress and sadness and become a pile of mush.
"At Least..."
At least I have control of myself cause I really want to punch you right now...
It took me a long time to realize there just is nothing better for people to say in these situations. They honestly want to say the right thing, but it can be hard.
That would be the best thing to say but I think it makes some people uncomfortable because it touches emotions and some people just don't deal with emotions or empathy very well. Especially to those who have their own private experiences/emotions that relates to break-ups and divorces. It is quite possible that the responder who says ?She thought you were too pretty for him? may have felt that she was not pretty enough for a past flame.
To her I REALLY wanted to respond "At least my exbf couldn't be mistaken for a Jersey Shore cast member like YOUR H", but, I digress
I do know that people mean well and don't know what else to say sometimes. There have been many more people that have said things like "Wow, I'm shocked. You guys seemed like a great couple", but of course it's human nature to harp on the negative things that people say.
Me too! I got so sick of hearing "At least you weren't married that long" and "At least you didn't have kids".
At least you weren't married, OP.
And frankly, it's HIS loss, you are a great catch, and far too pretty for him anyway.
You're better off anyway.
And don't forget most importantly, this happened for a reason!! Ahhh this post made me laugh and feel better when I was in danger of crying for the 3rd time today at work.
I agree 100%. It seems like that's what people say because they don't know what else to say. Well then don't bring it up at all!
Tea Time for Lulu