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How important is it to have similar political/religious beliefs?
My friend and I were walking to the park last night,enjoying the weather and I mentioned that D and I have different political and religious views. He's a conservative Republican and I'm a Democrat. He's a fairly devout Christian and I'm spiritual, but haven't really chosen a particular religion to follow.
She was dumbfounded and couldn't believe that I would be with someone with such different viewpoints.
He and I talked about our views fairly extensively when we met and while I was in therapy, my therapist had me write up a list of my wants/dealbreakers. One thing I wanted was a man who was spiritual. I also wanted a man who respected my views, whether he agreed with them or not. D has both of these qualities and I feel like if his spirituality helps make him the the man that I really admire and enjoy, all the better.
She couldn't get over it and actually offended me a bit... her boyfriend is a huge douchebag, emotionally abusive and we think it will get physical eventually. In a roundabout way, I said that I would rather be with a man who didn't share my views but treated me with respect and has integrity than with someone who is an absolute drain on my life. She apologized later, but it did make me think...
it's really not that important to me that we share the same political/religious views as long as we respect one another. My exH and I also didn't share political views but we weren't as respectful to one another when discussions came up... especially towards the end of our marriage. There is a small part of me that is concerned it will be an issue later if D and I do go long-term, which seems to be where it's heading.
How important are shared political/religious views to you?
Re: How important is it to have similar political/religious beliefs?
To me, being on opposite sides of the political fence is not a deal breaker as long as we agree on the big ticket items as they relate to how we live our lives.
Religion, on the other hand, I need someone who believes in God and has faith, but he doesn't have to be the same denomination as I. This is especially important to me if I were to get serious about someone because raising my future children in a church family is something that I value and I would like my future husband to be a part of that.
I agree with you. I think as long as each partner is respectful of the other's beliefs, there shouldn't be a problem. You're right -- if it goes long-term, then further conversations need to be had, but I've seen several successful, long-term relationships/marriages with children where the partners had different religious and political beliefs. It's about compromise.
Personally, I was raised Episcopalian, and now I'm not sure what I am. I believe in God, but I'm not as into the organized religion thing. I'm also very liberal. In my life, I've dated Catholics, Jews, other protestants, Hindus and Buddhists. I'm currently involved with an atheist. I've also run the political gamut -- conservative republicans, liberals, anarchists, independents. Heck, my ex husband was vegan, and that even got tricky sometimes! Some of these relationships were great; others were crap. But the good ones were the ones with open communication, friendly debate and a non-judgmental view of the other's beliefs.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I'm with you in that I don't care what other people believe (for the most part), so long as they respect my beliefs. I'm Catholic, but I've dated a LOT of atheists/agnostics. Really doesn't matter to me, so long as they're not spouting off that anyone who believes in religion is a nutcase. I'm relatively conservative, but I've dated a lot of liberal people--again, fine, so long as everyone involved is respectful. It's actually kind of fun to have debates about it sometimes.
I think the only potential issue with religion is in regards to how to raise kids--do you raise them by the mom's beliefs, dad's beliefs, neither, or both?
I was raised Catholic and I'm extremely liberal. I haven't practiced any sort of religion as an adult. My XH is a very devout Catholic and a very conservative republican and as well as his family. I just told him and his family that please respect my views and don't try to pressure me into thinking and believing what you believe. They've pretty much stayed out of it until we got married. XH and family wanted a catholic ceremony, I wanted to be married by my gay bff and they threw a holy sh!t fit. I caved and went along with it to keep the peace...
I tell people all the time, don't discuss political view and religion with me...i don't care - I don't want to hear it - you have your views and I have mine! Done!
I do think respect goes a long way. I know couples who are total opposites when it comes to politics/religion, but they're very happy because they don't make these differences of opinion into personal attacks.
For me, it goes deeper than someone identifying with a political party or a religion. What does he truly believe? If I met someone and he was a bigot, I wouldn't be attracted to him. If I met someone and he thought I was a second class citizen because of my gender or thought I was a slut because I used birth control, then I wouldn't be attracted to him either. Those beliefs don't necessarily have a political or religious affiliation. I've known plenty of bigoted Democrats and plenty of accepting Republicans.
In college, two of my best friends (and roommates) were Southern Baptist and Jewish. I grew up Catholic, but had lapsed into a general spirituality. Yet, we all got along because we were good people with similar ideals and similar values. Our religions were largely irrelevant. They were deeply personal to each of us and we didn't judge each other by them. But, we all had grown up in a very diverse city so we'd all learned about tolerance and acceptance very early on. Starting conflict over a difference in religion or politics was as foreign an idea to us as starting one over liking blue more than red.
So, I think it can be done. Good people are good people no matter how they self-identify. Both people have to be on the same page though - if one does judge the other for politics/religion, then conflict will be inevitable.
I think it depends on how important those things are TO YOU:
If your life is centered around your church, it would be hard to date someone who did not want to be involved in your church.
If your life is very politically driven where you go to debates/protests and get in fights on facebook, it would be hard to date someone on the other side.
I think if both people are moderate and on opposite ends of both religion and politics it's not as big of a deal. As long as you have a common middle ground on some issues (both believe in God, or both support the same issue) I don't think it matters.
This too.
For me, on top of the women's rights issues, I could not be with someone who didn't support gay rights. I have a lot of gay relatives that I am very close to and I could never be with someone who judged that. My Uncles have been together for 27 years and I couldn't marry a man who didn't think they also deserved the right to be married.
I am a lapsed Catholic but believe in God and very spiritual. SO is Jewish. I enjoy gong to synogauge. He grew up Christian so we celebate both holidays. I think it is more important to have two people who believe, for me anyway. I dated men who didn't believe at all and it was hard for me.
Politics I'let slide a bit more, but I couldn't be with someone who was hard core'on the opposite side of me. I also couldn't be w somone who could not intellectually discuss issues...meaning someone closed minded.
I think more similarities will help with overall with relationship success, precent arguements with raising kids, etc
I consider myself a moderate democrat. (socially liberal, fiscally more conservative). As for religion, former Catholic turned...sort of a mish-mash of things, I now go to a Methodist church (the uber liberal Methodists as opposed to the more conservative). I'm not super political, but my two main issues:
1. Gay Rights: You have to support them. Hands down.
2. Pro Choice: again, you must support. Hands down.
If you're political party and your religion can support those two things? Then I can deal if they are different than mine. Generally, if someone is a staunch Republican or hard core Christian, then they won't support these two issues, so I wouldn't be dating them. So, I don't think that I could date someone who's on the opposite spectrum of me, as I feel both issues ARE a matter of respect and to me, if they can't; respect a womans right to chose or gay rights? Then they aren't respecting people, IMO.
As for dating an atheist...been there, done that. I don'[t think I could do that again. I believe in God, and while my partner might not, I need them to believe in SOMETHING. I think parenting would be difficult for me on this aspect as well.
I totally agree with all of the above. And the way women's rights (not just the pro-choice issues) are being attacked, I wouldn't feel respected if I dated someone who would be voting politicians who are in support of these attacks.
IMO being an Atheist doesn't mean you don't believe in anything. Just because you don't believe in God doesn't mean you lack something as an individual. For example I don't believe in a religious doctrine to tell me what's morally acceptable. I believe in people being able to make the best decision for themselves (the Catholic church views on birth control or abortion for example).
I am very passionate about politics and I talk about current events/politics all of the time. I teach Advanced Placement US Gov.
I have dated someone before who was a conservative Libertarian and we did NOT get along in the long run. He wasn't respectful of my views as a liberal and I didn't appreciate how he'd belittle my ideas. So, I agree on respecting one's partner's views.
However, I feel like if politics is something that is common discussion in a couple, it'd be really hard to have different views--at least for me. For example, I could never be with someone who was so conservative that they believed that homosexuality was wrong, believed that the government had the right to legislative women's bodies, etc....I couldn't be with anybody who would side with people in AZ supporting bills that allow women to be fired for taking BCP, Rick Santorum telling Puerto Ricans that the Constitution requires that they have to speak English in order to become a state (which it doesn't!), and the governor or VA saying the Republican "War on Women" is a scam portrayed by Democrats and the liberal media.
I don't think that they lack as an individual, I totally didn't meant to imply that. The XBF of mine that was an atheist was a good person and did have his own st of morals, etc. I don't believe them to be bad people by any means. He was so against any kind of religious beliefs that it got really annoying, but I know many atheists aren't like that. I just believe it God and would like my partner to believe in a god as well. I
I'm with you. I'm an atheist, and while I don't have a problem being with someone who had faith, I would find it a little problematic to be with someone who was really religious.
I don't, however, think I could EVER date someone who considered themselves a Republican, and I would probably have a very hard time dating someone who considered themselves a conservative.
The work I do is HIGHLY political...in fact, my entire life is highly political (in the way that EVERYTHING is political). And I don't even know if I could call myself a liberal with a straight face, I think I passed the signpost for liberal on my way to radical about 15 years ago
I have a few (small c) conservative friends, and we do our best to not talk politics, but, again, everything is political for me, so...
I know this makes me less tolerant than I would like to be, and it's something that I'm working on, but I'm definitely not there yet.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
These are my two main things as well. I would really struggle to date anyone who can't get on board with these points because they are important to me. It doesn't matter what religion you are or what political part you identify with, but I would have a hard time feeling supported by my SO if he couldn't be OK with gay rights or the right to choose what I do with my body.
That said, my ex was pretty much my opposite when it came to politics and and religion. He was supportive and respective of my opinions as I was of his. It sparked some very good discussions between us. Some of them got heated--not angry, but heated and I thought that in a way it was healthy. He and I were both the type to enjoy a good, thoughtful debate. Some points he was able to sway me on and some I was able to sway him on. And some we just had to agree to disagree.
To be honest, I might have a hard time being with someone who I agree with 100% of the time. I feel like I would get bored not being able to have much discussion about something other than about how much we agree. I mean, being able to agree on things is good, but to always agree on everything would get kind of old to me.
Haha! Maybe we shouldn't get together when I'm in DC, after all, lol.
I consider myself moderately conservative, and BF's a libertarian. The conversation could get interesting!