I'm looking for some advice on how to get along better with my mother in law and how to keep my problems with her from damaging my marriage. My husband and I have been married for a year and a half, and although it is better than when we first got married, there are still a lot of things that stress me out.
My mother in law and I have always had difficulties getting along. She is a very public person; she likes to tell her family everything, while I?m more private and like to keep things to myself. She has no daughters, and it?s like she?s trying too hard to make me her long lost daughter, and she gets very defensive every time my mother and I spend time together. She expects her sons and her husband to do everything for her, yet she doesn?t help with the things she?s asking of them. I?m very hands on and independent, so it?s hard for me to respect a woman who gives orders to ?landscape the backyard? but doesn?t help, who just takes pictures and barks orders.
She hardly speaks to her mother in law. We never spend holidays with my father in law?s family and we hardly ever see them. She expects me to manage my time evenly between my family and my husbands but she doesn?t set a good example of what she wants. She is so far from the daughter in law that she wants me to be that I have a hard time wanting to try if she doesn?t have to.
She?s always had a hand in every part of her son?s life. She made all of his doctors appointments, managed her son?s company, and was on all of her son?s bank accounts, loans, and vehicles until we got married (he was 24). It?s been very hard for her to let go of him and trust me to take care of him, which I expected at first, but as I?ve been successful at managing a family for a year and half, I expected her to cut me some slack.
She still tries to manage our schedule. Instead of suggesting ?the family is getting together this weekend? or ?your husband?s grandparents are bringing lunch down this weekend?, she tells us ?you should really come have lunch with your grandparents this weekend? or ?you should really come tonight and see your family once in a while?. She puts a guilt trip on my husband and it always works and leaves me feeling unimportant and like I don?t have a say in my own life. I didn?t get married to have someone tell me what I need to do during my free time or interrogate me about what I did all weekend.
Long story short we live 3 hours from my parents, 30 min from his. We see my parents once a month and I work with his mother so I see her almost every day. She calls us in the evenings and wants to get together every other weekend or so. I get very bitter when I come home and she calls us to "see how our day was" or "see what we're up to tonight" because I see her everyday and all I want is a break. All I want is a few hours a night with my husband when we?ve been working all day, and then I feel like she?s taking my precious minutes when she calls ten minutes after I get home. I tried explaining this to my husband that a break is healthy for every relationship especially one that has been damaged, but he doesn?t understand the severity of our day to day interaction and truly frequent it is.
I?ve tried talking to her, asking her not to bring our personal relationship to work, that way we can have a relationship on the weeknights and weekends, since that is more normal and that would give me more of a break. She gets very pouty when I ask things of her, and she was distant at work for 2 weeks while she?s pouting and now she?s back to her same old self. I know that I make a big deal out of the little things, and I?ve been holding a grudge for 4 years, so everything rubs me the wrong way, but I don?t know where to go from here. My husband is exhausted from always talking about this and trying to fix it and he gets to the point where he looses interest and doesn?t want to work on it anymore and then I am left to fight the battle alone. He is a peacemaker and it?s more work to get him to talk to her than it is for me to just talk to her myself, but it?s like she doesn?t respect it coming from me.
She?s gaining another daughter in law this year that I personally get along with great. She?s a very sweet girl, but she?s completely different than me. She lets my mother in law have a hand in everything: planning the wedding, apartment hunting, and sharing her schedule with her. It makes me look like the bad daughter in law because I chose not to include her in those things. Like I said, I?m a very private person, and I?m very independent. I let her be a part of a few things and she constantly pushed for more, so I stopped. The old saying ?give her an inch and she?ll take a mile? is my mother in law to a T. If we ask her opinion on a paint color she?ll tell me how to arrange my whole living room. If we tell her a few stories of what we did during the weekend or what we?re going to do for a vacation, she tells her whole family and then calls us when we?re doing these things so that she feels like she?s a part of them.
Help please! I?m a stressful person by nature, and I don?t want to be. I always envisioned an easy relationship with my mother in law, but it?s truthfully harder than my marriage. We want to have kids in the next couple of years, but if we don?t fix this trouble with my mother in law now I don?t see how it?s ever going to get better. I?ve considered quitting my job so that we don?t see each other everyday, but I love my job and I?m scheduled to receive a raise. I?ve considered moving right smack in the middle of both of our parents so that my husband understands what I?m going through, but we love our place and we love our friends and jobs where we live. I am open to suggestions!!! Thanks
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.? -William Gibson 
kkcountry7:
Re: kkcountry7 you dropped something
I appreciate your advice TarponMonoxide, however you forgot one key point in all of your posts... maybe my husband was worth it. Maybe I love him so much for his good points that this one bad part was worth it. Perhaps you haven't felt that love, but that is enough to make you fight for anything.
Love don't conquer all -- and this "one bad part" to me would be he's a little too into football on Sundays, he leaves the toilet seat up constantly or he doesn't refill your car with gas when he borrows it.
This one bad part will be the demise of your marriage.
Don't bring kids into this mess; you're already in a dysfunctional marriage and the kid will see that you're a doormat and that it is fine to treat you that way.
Jam the word "attack."
Ever notice when somebody's just a litttle too touchy about hearing the truth, they're "attacked" by the truth tellers???
Don't delete, kk country7.
It's childish, it's vulgar and somebody will only repost it anyway, so you still look like the ass for posting it.
You got the truth and nothing but -- you're in a world of trouble. Nowhere is it "WE", it's "I" all the way accross the board.
This isn't a "safe" place for you to express your "beliefs" if you want people to be honest with you. You came here, posted your problem and we told it like we saw it. You just weren't prepared to hear that.
You wanted us to say, Oh yeah your MIL sux. And when you didn't get it, you DD'ed.
This is a forum where a lot of people lurk and don't post. They have similar problems and want help and read through these posts with the advice that a lot of ladies take the time to post on here. When you DD, you're wasting everyone's time - including your own.
I'd say it's time for you to get real with yourself and your situation. Otherwise you'll be stuck in it for a long, long time.
Just on the off chance:
Is this cultural?
I doubt it is, but if it is, you have an infinitely worse problem. In many cultures, this is normal and the wife takes a back seat forever.
I urge you to be more proactive about this -- this situation will go 2 ways:
You'll be whipped and bent into submission and you'll drown under this hot mess (and nobody will care, not even your H)
Or this mess will blow sky high and you and your H will have quite the blow up.
He could cut them all off for good and stay away from them; I don't see the possibility of that happening.
And it is doubtful he will go to counseling if you suggest it --- he doesn't see there is a problem! He never saw a problem long before you came into the picture when his mother started handling his affairs. So why should he see a problem now?
I do agree with this statement. I have suggested we talk to a third party, someone who he feels safe around so that we can get through this. But "he thinks we can get through it on our own". He doesn't see it as that bad. It makes it frustrating that's for sure!
Then this is a goner.
He never was mature enough to be able to emotionally commit to you. Willing to bet you're in the dark about his finances; none of his bank info, etc comes to your home --- it probably still goes to his mother's house.
I'll say it before everybody else does:
DTMFA.
Which is what you should have done that about 2+ years ago, when you started to date this spineless piece of dead weight. Love cannot conquer all and you cannot fix what's been broken.
How would you think that if you just joined today and posted five times?
Also, there are a lot of posters on here who would LOVE to have their MIL treat them the way yours does you. Really, the only thing I saw in your post is that she's interested (maybe a little too interested, but interested nonetheless) in your lives and wants to spend time with you. Oh no, she suggested ways to arrange your furniture when you asked about paint colors. The horror! Nothing you suggested screams horrible MIL to me at all.