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taking husband back..?
I am at a loss. I think I am unable to go through with this divorce.. I am supposed to have a court date on thursday and idk if I can do it.. If any of you read my previous messages MH is type 1 uncontrolled diabetic.. he has not taken care of himself since age 10. He also has been unaffectionate our entire marriage. He is a wonderful father to our 5 year old and loves her so much. But for many years I have been so lonely and been yearning for an affectionate relationship again. A few years ago I started a relationship with an old friend on computer and phone.. that ended and I ended up meeting an old guy friend from HS. we met and just hit things off and kept talking. we grew closer and things started turning into more.. My husband found out in sept and left our home.. he got an apartment and we both decided on divorce. A couple months later, he started trying to get back and wants to save our marriage. I am in limbo and completely unsure of what i want to do.. I think I am in love with the other guy.. yet I still love mh and worry about his health and what will happen to him.. he says he will give up completely because me and my daughter are all he has to live for.. I don't think i am romantically in love with him. I for some reason cannot kiss him.. I just do not have any urge to or desire.. He does have the ability to please me in other ways sexually so I am not really sure what that is about..
I enjoy my time with this other person and we have alot of fun together. I just am afraid of losing my home, and doing this to my daughter and to him.. if he dies, I am essentially to blame for his death.. that scares me terribly. i am just so confused.
Re: taking husband back..?
You are in no way shape or form responsible if he dies. He is a grown man who refuses to take care of himself.
You absolutely can go through with this. You deserve to be happy, not to be yoked to some dud for all eternity just because he doesn't want to cut back on the twinkies.
Why would you be blamed if something happened to him? By him saying he'll give up on life completly shows he's trying to "guilt" you into getting back together and it's a form of control.
What will change if you get back together? You're in love with someone else, you're not happy and he won't change. They cycle will continue.
Please get counseling for yourself and continue your decision. Your husband is a big boy. He should be able to take care of himself-it's not your job.
Why would you be blamed if something happened to him? By him saying he'll give up on life completly shows he's trying to "guilt" you into getting back together and it's a form of control.
What will change if you get back together? You're in love with someone else, you're not happy and he won't change. They cycle will continue.
Please get counseling for yourself and continue your decision. Your husband is a big boy. He should be able to take care of himself-it's not your job.
Everything broc said. You are NOT responsible if he dies. HE IS. You can do this.
Drop the other guy, pronto...
And proceed with the divorce.
The relationship with your spouse is dead. There is nothing here for you -- and as we said, you want to fix him. Not going to happen.
File and call a moratorium on dating for at least a year.
And this is HIS death wish; you are not to blame. I told you abut that guy we knew -- same thing; diabetic, didn't take care of himself and was dead and gone within 10 years of his diabetes diagnosis.
His SO stayed with him out of pity. You do not base healthy relationships on pity; it's supposed to be a healthy give and take dynamic based on love and caring. Your rat's ass H doesn't care about you.
The only thing he cares about is manipulating you and keeping you on a string. This is unhealthy and immature; as a PP said, this is a dud and nothing more.
Get your finances, etc ready and when that's done, file. And don't look back. GL.
I heartily second the therapy for you. you need to find out why you stayed with this guy - sounds like an unresolved issue to me.
He says he'll give up completely if you leave?
He gave up completely years ago!! Who the heck is he trying to kid???
He is dead weight. And yeah, he is a fully grown man. You do what is right for you and the kiddo -- this isnt a healthy atmosphere for her, either.
How can you "save" what was never good in the first place???
You wouldn't be to blame for his death. He is the one who has to take care of himself. It is not your job to validate his life. He has to do that on his own.
What you need to do is be a good example for your daughter, including showing her what a healthy relationship looks like and how to stand strong for yourself. You can't show her either of that if you go back into a relationship that never made you happy just to live to some outside ideal.
Click me, click me!
oh, for gods sake. why dont you grow up?
stop being a wishy washy little girl, and act like an adult.
you both need tons of counseling. he for being a manipulative, lazy, douche and you for not having the balls to end it when it needed to be. instead you went from affair to affair until HE left. how very mature of you.
Oh Ducky, my heart sank when I saw this post from you.
DO. NOT. Go back to your husband. He is not going to change, things are not going to get better. If he didn't take care of himself for the time that you were living together, what makes you think he's going to now? He's just trying to trap you in this marriage. People who actually want to die don't talk about it, they do it.
It will not be your fault if he fails to take care of himself. Diabetes is an entirely manageable disease. A lot of people, including a close friend of mine, live very full, healthy, active lives with type 1 diabetes because they are RESPONSIBLE ADULTS.
Your husband is an adult, responsible he is not.
This is a toxic relationship. You talk about not wanting to put your daughter through the divorce. But you are willing to put her through living in a house with a sick, manipulative father and a mother who is constantly having affiars as a way to cope with a loveless marriage? That's not what I'd call a good environment.
Go. To. Therapy.
The real gist of what is happening here:
"I need a father for my kid. Where would I go with a 5 year old? I can't start over."
He hasn't got any respect for himself or his health. Why should he have respect for you?
Making a very difficult decision is extremely hard. This decision is taking a step in a direction towards taking care of yourself for a change instead of worrying about your husband. You cannot control or fix his actions, you cannot change him. What you can change is yourself and how you react to him.
If you want to do what's best for yourself, you will go sign those papers. Maybe you should finally get around to taking care of yourself for a change.
The "I have nothing to live for" is just his manipulative BS to get you to stay. My ex FI did that bit 25 years ago, and I believed it for a while. I finally left him, and you know what? He's still alive today. Don't make the rest of your life absolutely miserable (and model that this is a normal marriage to your DD) by staying. GET OUT.
And not to be snarky, but you need some therapy to help you figure out some things before you start dating again.
I hope he gets both his legs amputated for being a manipulative piece of sh|t.
Too far?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
He's a big boy. Let him take care of his own health issues. It is his situation to manage, not yours.
You deserve happiness, you dont deserve to be in a marriage with a person who neglects your needs. Period.
Starting over is hard, but you can do it. Id rather have my child, and nothing to my name and be happy as opposed to having my home and be stuck in a marriage with a person who doesnt treat me right.
You can do it!
Let me get this straight. You've been cheating on your husband for years, he finds out and leaves. After a time apart he decides that he wants to save the marriage. You think you are in love with someone else. In the middle of this mess is a five year old girl.
You are afraid of losing your lifestyle, not your husband. Give him the dignity of divorce rather than a facade of marriage.
Nah. I was going to suggest that she reunite with him, take out a substantial life insurance policy on his life and let nature take its course.
You are so often camped out in my head, DaringMiss.
Well first you need to stop analyzing the two relationships together as if they are one concrete decision. It's two separate questions: Should I leave my unhappy marriage which has no promise of becoming happier and learn to be a whole, complete, happy person on my own? (yes.) And then, am I emotionally healthy enough to begin another relationship with this other person? (probably no).
There is nothing in your marriage that makes it worth being in other than your fear of change and the fact that he has guilted you into being his Mommy. He has expressed no desire or willingness to change, he just wants you to continue to put up with his BS and take care of him.
You do need therapy to figure out how you wound up marrying him and why you can't stay. Only after therapy might you be stable and sufficient enough to make the decision to enter into a new relationship.
Leaving a shitty marriage solely for another relationship spells disaster.
I said this a long time ago to you when you first posted about your problem and it still applies now:
A patient is only as good as the rules he follows that apply to his health or health issue.
A physician can only do so much. After that it is up to the patient. His doc can't force a patient to do what the patient is supposed to do.
He won't listen to his doc -- and he won't see a doc --- this jerk is playing Russian roulette with his health and that has zero to do with you. This all has to do with him.