Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help! Need live-in SIL advice!
Hi there,
My husband and I got married four months ago and at roughly the same time his 19yr sister moved from Europe and started to live with us in our 3bdr house. When we accepted her to live with us, we knew that it would be tough since she would be so dependent on us, but I'm at a break point now! She's is very naive, immature, and irresponsible. We feel like we are raising a 16yr instead of living with an adult. She finally got a job, but hasn't made any major strides into applying for colleges (which is the reason she moved here and we accepted her to live with us). She doesn't follow through with anything, unless someone is pushing her. Everything has to be explained her and you practically have to hold her hand through everything. She hasn't finished getting driver's license and relies on everyone for rides (sees no problem imposing on people). My DH and his siblings lived sheltered childhoods, and now SIL is going through the phrase where she thinks she hott stuff because she has a little bit of freedom and a little bit of funds. After two months, we wised up and made her sign a formal contract stating what we expected from her. She only pays $100 month, essentially living with us for free because that money goes towards her grocery bill. She's ungrateful, rude, and starting to be unpleasant to live with.
Here's the latest "I want your sister out of my house" incident:
Today (Friday) 11:15am
SIL "Can you drive me to the jewelry store, so I can pick up something for the church dance tonight? But I have to be back by 2, I'm getting picked up then."
Me "No, not until your Mon-Friday chores are done: your room/bathroom is clean and the downstairs is vacuumed/mopped. You will have plenty of time if you do these promptly."
SIL goes back to getting "ready."
12:00pm
SIL "Can we go if I clean my room and then I promise to vacuum tomorrow?"
Me "No, that was not the deal. You do what I've asked you to do, and then I do what you are asking me to do."
SIL walks aways, continues to get "ready" .
12:30pm
Me "I take it you don't want to go anymore? Because nothing has gotten done."
SIL "Well, no I guess not because I won't have time."
Me "Well, you still have to complete your chores before you leave for the dance."
1:00pm
Me "It's 1. You need to come vacuum."
At 1:15ish, she sneaks out of the house and her chores weren't done. I then call her, once I've realized that she is gone and she has the nerve to tell me she was "too busy" this week to do her chores. The girl only work part-time. Most of the time I just see her laying on her bed, doing nothing. She spent most of today starring at herself in the mirror. This isn't the first time she has refused to do her chores by the deadlines. I'm sick of her thinking she can get away with it or thinking she can do what she wants in our house.
What should be her consequence for ditching her chores and blatantly ignoring our rules/me? How do I put up with someone that has the entitlement mentality? How do I get her to start being more responsible and take more initiative? She suppose to move away from our house in December, how can I survive 9 more months!?
Re: Help! Need live-in SIL advice!
I agree with Kuus!
You need to get her out of your house asap. She does not respect you at all and she is very immature.
She lives under your roof. You have full right to expect that she keeps her room clean, cleans up after her meals, does her laundry, keeps her music and guests to a low roar and in general, live in such a way that it's like NOT having her there at all.
Enough is enough. I'd very kindly tell her to be out on X date; let her get a room somewhere and pay rent to a rooming house. December is too long to wait to see if you lose your sanity. Good luck.
You're asking on how to parent a 19 year old.
Your asking for consequences for ditching her chores ?? Are you kidding?
DH needs to say "This isn't working out, sis. You need to find another place to live in 30 days." And then keep saying it until day 30. And then collect her keys.
This young adult is not interested in being parented by you. It is not your responsibility to do so. It will never work. And at this rate she will not be leaving in December. Tough on her. Face this now.
You can't. She isn't willing to stick to the agreement, it's time for her to move out.
If your husband isn't willing to tell her to get out, you have a H problem, not just a SIL problem.
How does your H feel?
I would call mommy and daddy and tell them to take sister back into their home. They raised her, she is their problem. At 19, you should not feel bad about throwing her out of her house. Tell her she has to get a job and move out. She's old enough to live on her own. Heck, at 19 I went to a (non-English speaking) foreign country and sublet a room.
I would also suggest you go to steptogether.org and read their "disengagement" essay. It is about parenting, but it says you need to step back and not be a mother to your SIL. She doesn't need it. At the same time, you will not help her out - - AT ALL unless YOUR HUSBAND asks you to. Do not give her a ride, etc. if SHE asks. She has to ask your H. If he can't do it, he can ask you, and you only need to help out if you feel like it.
Wy are you (and more importantly your husband) letting her walk all over you?
She isn't a child and you're not her mommy. Kick her ass out!
Has he ever spoken to her about getting her act together? If he has not, you also have an H problem, along with a bad live in SIL problem.
She needs to be shown the door, now. Let her parents fork over more money to her so that she can rent a room somewhere in a boading house....and btw, hasn't she ever heard of a bus or a train to get where she needs to go???
a 19 year old who's irresponsible?! no way!! as you can see by her actions she's not an adult-she's still a kid.
she needs to go. call her parents.
Thank you, TarponMonoxide, for your reply! She needed to live with us because she had no money (barely worked before moving here) and didn't know anyone! She doesn't live on campus because she isn't attending any university... She hasn't even applied! We had the understanding that she was doing everything she was suppose to get accepted into college so that our house would just be a pit stop on her way to college (the one she wants to go to is out of our state) so 3 months turned into 6 and now it's turned into a year that she wants to stay with us.
Thank you, Suebear, I will read that article today!
Husband and sister don't get a long. She brings out the worst in him and they constantly bicker when together. However their schedules conflict and hardly see each other. He would rather her be off at school but isn't going to kick her out/push her to get life together. "she needs to make her own mistakes." He never wants to talk or address the issue and would rather ignore the problem. He thinks I'm not compassionate enough.
Their parents cannot offer any financial support. His mother is no help at all when we bring up SIL. Only advice is to love her and to pick what kind of person that we want to be and be it. Which is nice in theory but no way to see results. She even said "well this gives you some experience for when you have children" I was so enraged. DH replied "but sister isn't a child! She's suppose to be an adult." His mother realized a bit.
Thanks BriGiboo for the comments.
DH seems to have thrown in the towel and just says that's how she always been. There is no language barrier, they are American and grew up speaking English at home. I really wasnt sold on the idea with her living here but it seemed to be her only option.
give her 30 days to shape up (in writing and make her sign it, and you both too). list what she needs to do to continue to live there-be specific-and hwo much she needs to pay. indicate that on the first of may she will be put out if she doesn't follow the rules.
when may 1 comes, if she hasn't followed what she's supposed to do take her key and put her stuff out in boxes.
and dh needs to be in on this. not just you. lay it out for him.