Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My husband left today.
He decided that our marriage isn't worth the work, that working through our troubles (communication, mild financial obstacles) is not worth his effort. I was under the impression that marriage was about commitment, loyalty, and a promise to stick together and work as a team.
Things have been rocky for awhile, we're both to blame for the troubles we have. But what kind of man just skips out on his marriage, without making an honest effort to make things right. We want the same things, value the same things (or so I thought). We used to be best friends.
Life got tough - a miscarriage last year, money is "tight" but not uncomfortable. We put cash away in savings, are taking care of some minimal debt, staying on top of bills, a little bit for entertainment... since my loss, our communication has hit an all time low. We've been distant, both feeling lonely... went to counselling last year for a few months and just when it started to really help us both, he wanted to stop because it was expensive. So we agreed to use the communication tools we learned and committed to working on making things right.
I got home from work today and he was waiting for me... it took all of five minutes from beginning to end for him to tell me he's done. He won't consider counselling, or even going to talk to our priest. Then he left... said "see you later"... I was so crushed I couldn't even look at him. I don't know when "later" is. He must have packed a bag before I got home... his toiletries are gone and probably enough clothes for the weekend.
My brother is coming tomorrow morning to stay with me the rest of the weekend. I don't have any friends here who aren't mutual ones, and I'm just not ready to see any of them yet. I have no idea how this is going to play out.
What do I do when he gets back? I'm drinking a bottle of wine tonight then my brother will help me get my things organized tomorrow, get all of my paperwork ready to see a lawyer next week I suppose.
I love this man with all of my heart and I pray that he changes his mind... but unless he shows up here and agrees to go to counselling... I need to get ready for a divorce.
What do I need to bring to a lawyer? I've got a list of bank/income statements, mortgage and asset info, debt info to collect and copy tomorrow... what else?
I guess I'm just looking for some friendly advice and a listening ear. I've only spoken to my brother and my parents... who were pretty shocked because they didn't know things had gotten this bad (in a way, neither did I).
Re: My husband left today.
Do you have a paystub from him? If so keep it.
If I had a man do to me what he has done(or not done) I certainly wouldnt want him back. If he walked out once, hed have no problem doing it again, and i wouldnt want ot live like that.
Could he have a girlfriend?
He gets his paystubs online so short of somehow getting his work login info, I probably won't be able to get it. I've done our taxes the last two years so I have all of that.
I'm really struggling with giving up. I know that even if he did come back and agree to counselling... I don't know if/when I would ever be able to let my guard down, always wondering if he would up and leave. But I would be willing to go to counselling, and see how it goes. He's not a liar, and he's not a cheater. Definitely, 100%, no girlfriend.
Well he lied about your wedding vows!
{{{HUGS}}}
I've been where you are, almost exactly. I'm so glad you have a support system in place. Your brother sounds like a really good guy.
To get to the practical stuff first: everything you listed is exactly what you should take. I'd add any info on retirement/investment accounts and tax returns. Protect your assets ASAP - if you have a joint account, place a hold on it immediately. Also place a hold on any joint credit cards. Run a credit check on yourself. I learned these lessons the hard way.
Now the supportive stuff: you sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders. That's going to come in so handy, trust me. It's going to hurt and feel really overwhelming at times. You're going to get angry at some point. It's normal, it's all normal. Unfortunately, I also committed myself to a man who wasn't committed to me. Picking up the pieces was a hard process, but it's one I'm ultimately thankful for. I'm in a better place now than I would have been if I'd fought to stay with a man who wasn't in love with me.
You're going to get through this, and I can tell you're going to get through it with dignity and class. That's so important. If you haven't already, please schedule some individual counseling sessions for yourself. My therapist was a Godsend during my divorce. I grieved and analyzed my way into a healthy, well, peace.
If you want to talk, feel free to do so here, or come over to the Starting Over board. You can PM me too if you like.
Again, {{{HUGS}}}
Good point.
I really appreciate this. Thank you.
I do have a very supportive family, thank God... I wish they were physically closer but they are only a phone call or a day's drive away. And although I never thought I would need them, I do have access to a good lawyer and an excellent counsellor.
This all just seems so surreal.
Thank you. I moved half of our balance into my personal account before he got to the end of the driveway. This really *** sucks.
I'm glad you moved your money. And I'd brace myself that he staying with a woman he's likely sleeping with.
Men rarely move into an empty room when they leave a relationship. They move in with someone who's been 'supportive'. Brace yourself that he's not living alone.
I'd get appointments with several good attoneys to see if he has any of them under retainer and to block them for using them ... 'conflict of interest'. Just a tactic.
I also think he's been done for a while and just used the 'expensive' thing about counseling to get out of it. Even though this is new to you, it probably isn't new to him.
Sorry. You will come out of this stronger.
I'm so sorry. I know you're hurting right now and feel completely blind-sided. Drink the wine, cry, scream, do whatever you need to to get it out. I'm glad your brother is coming to stay and that you are able to think clearly about getting the practical side of things in order. And I'm so sorry for your loss last year.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I'm so sorry. It sounds to me like your m/c made him realize he didn't actually want to have a family with you. At least you found this out now, not after having 2-3 kids.
If you can move past this hurt, I think your dream will come another day, and, as your H has so crudely shown, with another person.
Some day you will look back and be grateful you did not have a family with this man.
Oh, and I'm willing to bet my left sock there's someone else in the picture. I know that's awful to think about, but... see above.
Your H is a giant douche, and you've got class and a good head on your shoulders, so it would seem by your post. You'll be just fine. Drink your wine, cry, open up to your brother and your parents. Keep seeing your counselor if financially possible. Let yourself feel all the hurt, anger, sadness, and shock and you will get through it. Awful situation, and I am definitely sorry about your m/c. Sounds like it's been a rough year or so for you.
Bowies is wise in her advice and preparations she listed for you. You've already done the right thing by moving half the money, that right there shows you are pretty levelheaded, even in the midst of crisis. Hold onto that.
I am so sorry! You must feel so blindsided.
I agree with some PPs--even if you are positive he does not have a girlfriend, he might. My coworker/friend and I are both going through divorces right now. It is painful but I do think that you should let him go. I think if he came back, you would always be questioning in your mind how happy he was, was he going to up and leave again, etc.
I am impressed that you moved the money so quickly. Also great that you reached out to your family for support and they are responding so quickly. I think you'll be okay when the dust settles although it will be tough for a while.
I met with a divorce lawyer this morning. I did not bring documents but she asked a ton of questions about all assets, the dynamics of the relationship, etc. She gave me the financial documents (9 pages worth) that get filed in court to fill out and bring back to her when I am ready to actually file. I am sure the exact process varies in each state at least slightly.
I suspect this will be the truth. She will be 'just a friend', probably someone from work.
I guess this will be the first of many sleepless nights ahead.
Thank you all for your support and kind words. You've made me feel a little less lonely, and a lot less crazy. I really appreciate it.
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby & your marriage.
I understand you want to fix this, but it takes two to make it work. My mom always said how sad it was that it takes two together married but one to destroy it all.
I wish you peace & healing.
I'm so sorry. I've been where you are and it's really horrible.
It's too soon for you to hear that him leaving me was the best thing that ever happened to me because then I was able to find a good, decent, nondouchebag husband.
So I'll just say ((hugs)) and I wish you peace right now.
This was my thought as well. Generally, when I have seen one spouse or the other give up so easily, it seems to be because they already have another relationship or interest.
I am sorry that you are going through this. It must be awful!
To know One Direction is to love One Direction