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Mother Trouble
Hey Everyone,
I've been married 2 months and ADORE married life 
To give you some background, my mother is kind of an emotional psycho. I sometimes wonder if the part of her brain that thinks rationally and can process negative emotions and feelings works properly - and I say that with all sincerity, I'm not being sarcastic. She really seems to not be able to process when someone disagree's with her, or has a different plan or opinion from her and somehow she always takes it as a personal insult and either breaks down crying or starts screaming in anger. At best, I've had a rocky relationship with my mom for well...my whole life. She made the planning process of our wedding totally unenjoyable and hubby and I very seriously considered eloping on several occasions.
Anyway, now we live 3 States and almost 500 miles away from her and that's probably the best thing for us.
I asked my sister, her husband and (adorable!) 2.5 year old to spend Easter with hubby and I, just our 2 families. I then get a phone call from my mother that she is spending the entire week leading up to Easter, half at Sister's place, half at our place AND wants (rather said 'this is what's happening') to spend Easter with me. I should mention technically she's my half sister (Dad's 1st marriage) and mom said that dad will only allow them to visit when they can also visit sis, and they can only visit sis on her Spring break (she's a teacher). Fine, visit me when you can also visit sis, but seriously... you can only visit her one week out of the year? Plenty of adults aren't teachers and don't get week long breaks from work. My mom has come down to visit my grandmother (her mom) who kind of lives in the area TWICE now, and never once came to our house. She constantly guilts me how I've never been back to visit, and yet she WILL NOT COME VISIT until Dad can come and they can see sister (seeing sis also makes sense) but they can only see her when she has a long break!
I guess I'm most upset that she wants to guilt and nag me about how I won't visit them (we're newly wed's of barely 2 months...) and yet won't visit me. Also, she's guilting me because I mentioned I wanted to spend Easter with just my sister and now I'm the horrible child that won't let her parent's come to Easter dinner. I left it kind of up in the air, but I'm kind of wondering what to do. I asked her to come down and visit another week/weekend besides Easter but (spring break!) that's THE ONLY time they can visit sis..... I don't think they've asked if they can visit her then either, I'll let her deal with that
Should I just give in to her ( as I have my whole life) and invite them to Easter or should I stand my ground? This may sound petty, but I've ALWAYS given in to her and my husband wants me to start standing up to her and set a precedence sort of speak. Help!
Re: Mother Trouble
Ok, sure, I get that some lines need to be drawn, but I find picking Easter, a big family holiday to many, an odd time to draw that line.
Plus, you're griping that she never visits, but the time that she wants to - you want to say "no" to her...???
Clearly there are deeper issues at play here, and I don't want to discount that. But you can't have it both ways.
Also, I guess I'm confused as to why you're pissed that she'll only come when your dad can come too...??? I'm not joined at the hip w/ my DH, but we like to vacation together. I don't see why you're mom is wrong.
I think the other issues you have w/ your mom are coloring your view on this. I think you need to seperate out the problems and refocus and figure out what the real issue is right now.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Let me clarify a few things that I can see now I wasn't very clear on
Thanks for the questions!
I don't mind visiting at all! In fact we plan to in the semi near future. My problem is that she is constantly guilt tripping me and nagging me about how after only 2 months WE have not visited, yet she refuses to visit me except when Dad can come AND when they can visit my sister and me. I feel it's a double standard. If she weren't guilting and nagging I wouldn't have such a problem, if any really.
Also, about Easter: if she had asked if that would work for us, it wouldn't be such a big deal. It's more that she said "This is THE ONLY TIME we can visit, so clear your schedule and oh yea, we're spending Easter with you." I feel like she's saying her time is more important than mine and doesn't respect the fact that maybe we've already made other plans. Does that make any more sense?
And yes, I have no doubt my past experience is coloring this situation a much darker shade a grey than those of you with no past experience, so bear with me - I know I'm jaded to this, but your clear view's on this helps! Thanks!
Well, with her visiting you - I'm still going to stand behind that her wanting to "kill 2 birds w/ 2 stone" isn't wrong, nor is it wrong that she'd rather do it when your dad can come too. That aspect of this - you need to let it go. It takes time and money to travel, so if she doesn't want to do it alone, and wants to see both of you - I can fully understand that.
Past that - the guilt trips... in the end, it's on you if you feel guilty. All you can do is invite her to visit and if she says no, she says no. When she gives you a "guilt trip", it's simply on YOU to not feel guilty. If you can't go, you can't go.
But keep in mind - to many parents, it's the kids responsibiltiy to travel home. You moved away, so you need to go home. I'm not saying this is right, but this is often where a lot of parents are coming from when they don't visit their kids a lot.
Easter - is it possible that she talked to your sister and already knew you had invited her to come, so she assumed it would be o.k. for her to come too? And did your sister know you didn't intend to invite your parents?
And/or - what have you done in the past? Do you all usually spend Easter together? Could this be her assuming "it's a holiday - of course we're going to spend it together!"?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm not arguing over her wanting to come with my dad or see my sister. I'd be hurt if they just visited her and not me, so it's totally understandable. I just don't believe that spring break is THE ONLY TIME they could possibly ever visit her.
My mom does tend to assume, so maybe she is assuming "It's a holiday of course we'll be together!" but again, that's not fair - I now also have my husbands side of the family! What if we had already told my in-law's we'd be with them? (side note, my in-laws are awesome, I hear all these horror stories of stuff MIL's say, but mine is great! I just have to deal with my mother...)
*sigh* I'm sorry if I sound petty, really - thanks for making me get a grip
lol
I get why you're trying to set some boundaries with your mother, but I really don't think this is the right time to do it.
You're entitled to host whomever you want for a holiday ... but honestly, it sounds really rude to say that your sister is welcome to your home for Easter but your mother is not. You're shutting out an immediate family member here. And I don't know how religious your family is, but Easter is a pretty big deal to some families since it's the holiest Christian holiday. Even if it doesn't have very religious undertones for your family, it's still not a casual, "Hey, since it's nice out do you want to come over and barbecue?" type of get-together. I think it's a pretty big slap in the face to tell her that she's not welcome for Easter.
And you're saying that you're annoyed that she won't come visit you, but now she's saying she'll do so and you're refusing her. That's sending a mixed message. I get that it's rude of her to just tell you when you'll be hosting her, but it sounds like she's telling you that this is a convenient time for her to come see you.
Personally, I would just invite your mother over for Easter and make your stand another time. If she comes for Easter, you can work on other things ... such as, if she starts crying or laying the guilt trip on you for something, practice ignoring her, changing the subject or just excusing yourself from the room.
what does how long you've been married have anything to do with it? it doesn't. 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years-who cares?! If you want her there-say ok. If not say no.
i agree with PPs though-a holiday is an odd day to decide to draw the line.
If this were about "I invited my IL's over and now my mom assumes she's coming", my answer would be different. Yes, you could much easier say "Sorry, but we can't do Easter w/ you this year".
But to say "I'm having sister come, but you, OUR PARENTS, can't come".... um, really?
I just dont' think this is the situation to establish boundaries over.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
i think it is totally odd that you would invite you sister over for a holiday and not your mother. i could never imagine saying to my sisters....all of you can come for easter dinner, but mom isnt invited. I just can not imagine,
How would you feel if your mother invited everyone over for a big holiday dinner, but told you ill see you another day?
I invited my sister and no one else because she lives less than an hour away.
My brother and his family live 8 hours away and my parents live 7 hours away. It's not like they're all in the area and I was being all exclusive - it's practical. My sis and I live close to each other - my brother and parents are hundreds of miles away. I don't have a ton of room for my whole family (it would be 11 people) and I just could not handle that. I can host 4 adults and a toddler - I cannot hold 6 adults, 2 young children, and a toddler in our home. That's not some preference, it's reality.
Sorry to sound snarky
Your mom sounds very similar to mine in the emotional department. I had a great relationship with her throughout my life in some ways, and in the other areas I wound up having to go to counseling in college because my attempts to make her happy were causing me to have nervous breakdowns.
I think it's funny that your current issue is Easter, because I had a different but parallel experience with my mother two years ago. The last Easter before I got married (I got married before my senior year of college), I made plans to travel nearby and spend the long weekend with my best friends. We were planning this for months as one last trip together. When my mom found out I was spending Easter with my friends, she freaked out. Even though she was a six-hour drive away, I had little money for that much gas, I spent every other holiday at home, and I only had that extra Friday for travel, she lost it and insisted that I must hate my family if I would even consider going somewhere else.
Long story short, I changed all of my plans with my friends and went to my mom's house. A good portion of the break was spent driving, and it turns out that she was planning on attending a funeral on Easter Sunday (for someone I didn't know). She badly mismanaged the timing, and I wound up almost missing my ride and heading back to school with nothing but the clothes on my back (all my homework, textbooks, clothes, etc. were left at home). I didn't even get to spend Easter with them after all.
The only good result from my decision to go home that awful Easter (lots of other little negative things happened....the funeral fiasco was just the crowning finale) was that I was finally able to reach a point where my mom had very little guilt power left over me. I was able to finally write off all my attempts and initiate a limited emotional relationship with her. I think you should be able to compromise at some times (esp. over the holidays), but don't let her guilt-trip you into doing something that you will ultimately regret, either. Sometimes the relationship isn't worth some things.
I get what you're saying. But for a "family holiday" like Easter, I'd personally still extend the invitation and let them decide if they want to come. And just make it clear that they'll need to get hotel rooms. If hosting them for a sit-down meal is where there's a space problem, then I'd think about getting a restaurant reservation. Have dinner with them and then everyone can go their separate ways.
Although I really don't get how much a difference two more adults and two children can make in terms of space. You can't add a couple more chairs to your table, maybe have a little kiddie table? And that's assuming that your brother and his family would even want to come, right? Especially since this is short notice. If I lived that far from my siblings then I'd probably only visit if it was planned out at least a couple months in advance, or if there was an emergency. Easter is in three weeks. He'd probably need to pull his kids out of school for Monday 3/9 if he was going to see you for Easter.
I think you're entitled to invite whomever you want to your home, but I can also see why your mother is very hurt by being excluded. And I get why you want to put your foot down with your mom, but I still think this is not the time to do it.
O.k. - so you didn't want to plan a big family Easter and invite everyone. That's fine. You dont' have to do that. And yes, your mom is making assumptions w/o asking - and that's not right of her.
But - BUT - somewhere in all of this, your parents decided they wanted to come and see you and your sister. For you to say "sorry mom, you can't come" on EASTER is a really crappy time to firm up your boundaries.
Again, what conversations might your sister have had w/ your parents?? You're looking at this through your eyes only- but your sister may have summer plans that conflict w/ when your mom would want to come. Spring break may work better for her. this isn't just about you.
Yes- create boundaries. Yes - learn to say no. I just dont' think Easter, when you're already having some family (AND when you're complaining they never visit) is the time to create those boundaries.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Of course it's a double standard. She wants you to visit her. She doesn't want to visit you. I know a lot of parents like that. It's a total PITA. When she nags or complains, get off the phone. Tell her you don't want to hear the complaints. Its hard, especially at the beginging of being away, but if your mother has problems processing, then you have to be prepared to do this until she sees it doesn't work.
As for Easter, decide if she is invited or not. If this works well for her schedule and you want her, then say yes. But it seems odd and petty to say no out of spite - because you resent that it's tied-up in your step-sister's schedule and husband's preferences. Its just a visit, something you've been asking for, it probably makes sense to call your sister and discuss whether this is a good option; then discuss it with your DH to discuss if its good for you. Then tell your mother yes or no.
As for your mother visiting her mother - why not meet her there? Stop trying to get your mother to do what you want her to do. You can only control yourself and your response to her. Focus on that. You'll be much happier.
My Mother is similar - the slightest inkling of a different opinion sends her into hysterics and hurt that you think she's stupid or something. These type of people also like to control everything, such as your Easter weekend. Even better if they can do it over a holiday, so that you're less able to say no or have an issue with it. If you do say no, then you're going to feel guilty and be portrayed as a jerk for dismissing your own mother on Easter. (sounds familiar?)
It sounds like you have deeper underlying issues with your mother though. It might be in your best interest to suck it up at Easter since it's so soon, and seek some counseling in order to figure out how to navigate your family in the future. I'm going through that right now and it's tough, but I know it will be better in the end. I got really sick of just doing whatever she wanted in order to avoid the guilt trips, and also got sick of not feeling as though I even had a say of when we would visit or how the relationship was run. Not to say you'd end up being a jerk, of course, but you should be allowed to contribute to half of how the relationship works.