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NPCE: Advice re: fundie grandma (sorry, long)
I have a big family event this weekend--a vow renewal and anniversary celebration for my grandparents, who never had a real wedding. My mom forewarned me this morning that Grandma now knows that I'm Buddhist, and wants to have a "come to Jesus" with me about it this weekend.
My grandma is a super-right wing, Santorum-supporting, anti-choice, fundamentalist Christian. She thinks it's her right to dispense unsolicited opinions and advice wherever she sees fit, especially on matters of faith. I have worked very hard to maintain a relationship with her as she has grown more religious and intolerant, but it's tenuous at best (which is why she didn't even know I was Buddhist.)
I would rather not have this conversation with her this weekend, as I do not want to get into a fight before their big anniversary celebration. I am not interested in her opinion, advice, or approval on this issue. I am happy to answer whatever questions she has about my faith, but I will not defend my religion or my choices to her.
Should I just flat-out refuse to have this conversation with her this weekend? Request that we talk by phone next week, when everything is over and I'm back home--1500 miles away? Talk to her, but start by stating that I am not seeking her opinion or approval, and that my choices are not up for debate? I don't want to be intentionally confrontational, but I also don't want this to go the way ALL conversations about religion go with her, especially before such a big family event. How would you approach this?
Re: NPCE: Advice re: fundie grandma (sorry, long)
Is anyone going with you?
If so could they be on interference duty, they see a signal from you and come over and interrupt with some excuse or redirect the conversation?
I'd try to avoid the issue or get out of it with the least amount of drama possible.
What kind of relationship do you have with her on a normal basis, ie, would it be out of the ordinary for you to pick up the phone and call her? The fact that your mom has forewarned you that she wants to have a 'come to Jesus' with you is what's really not sitting well with me. To me, she's not only planning on coming at you, but she's telling other family members she's planning on coming at you. That's not cool.
If you have the type of relationship where you can call her in advance, I'd do that and cut her off at the pass. If not, then I'd either have someone run interference for you, or refuse to have the conversation with her - do what PP suggested, say "This is about you and your day!" and move away from her. It's just not the time or place, kwim?
I'd avoid that conversation like the plauge. It doesn't sound like it could possibly end well.
I would go with cookie's suggestion as Plan A and hope's as Plan B.
that's my strategy with my 93 year old grandpa....works great!
Thanks for all your advice. Sorry for disappearing--crazy day at work.
I think I will just go with "this weekend is all about you two! Let's have fun and talk about this later!" and leave it at that. There really is no positive outcome to be had from having this conversation with her at this point in time, and I'd really rather not ruin the visit and our family function with bad feelings. On certain topics, I do just humor her and smile and nod. My religion is not one of them.
All I want from her is the same respect and consideration that I afford to her and her religious views, which I do not share. Unfortunately, she is never going to be able to give even that. Hence my reluctance to have this conversation with her, especially right now.
Is there anyone who will be there who can function as a "buffer guest"? If your grandma is like some of my more aggressively fundie relatives, 'let's have fun and talk about this later' is too subtle a cue and she'll dig in and try to have the conversation anyway. If you have an ally who can swoop in and pull you (or her)away to another conversation, it's a good Plan B in case you need it.
I'm Christian myself, and some time back was totally intrigued by a guy I met who claims to be both Buddhist and Christian. In recounting my conversations with him, I have yet to meet a fellow Christian who doesn't think the two are mutually exclusive and that I should have tried to "un-Buddhist" him, so I don't blame you for wanting to avoid the conversation outright.