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living in limbo
Hi,
I mostly lurk and get inspiration from all of you. XH left about 9 months ago... divorce is final. My main struggle right now is living in this "limbo land". The land of uncertainty. I love when everything is neat and tidy and my ducks are in a row. I hate not having answers... right now I feel that all I have is uncertainty.
For example.... ran into a guy I've known for awhile. He had no idea about my divorce. He was shocked. We chatted for awhile, hung out that night and he mentioned that he would like to see me again. My struggle is not knowing when he will call... if he meant what he said... and how long to wait before I may reach out and initiate a get together.
Any advice on how to just give up control and how to learn to live with the uncertainty. I know this is a true test of patience for me.... it's just hard!!!
TIA!
Re: living in limbo
Hmm... I am getting completely two different vibes from you.
One is that your divorce exposed the "hole" that you now may have and you are not quite sure what to do with yourself. It is hard in the beginning but what helps me is to look at not knowing the future a great thing because it means I am living in the moment and more alive. Each day is a do-over and each day I learn something new about myself. I think of it as a journey in the same way my year and half son is learning new things about the world. This is the perfect time to explore and learn to fill that hole yourself. I think that hole will never completely go away as it is ingrained in all of us but I consider that hole is there to ensure that we never stop dreaming in life.
As for the guy you chatted with, I am not sure how long ago that other night was but at least you enjoyed that night right? I am not sure if he will contact you again or not since I don't know him but try to enjoy yourself in the meantime and let things flow. I think Achase is good with intuition and I do like her advice.
It's a hard time, but you're going to be ok. I swear. Most of us are, and you don't sound unhinged, so I've got high hopes for you.
This'll sound really elementary, but have you tried changing your perspective? Instead of lamenting about the uncertainty of what's to come, try thinking of it as an adventure -- because, truly, that's what it is. Focus on yourself, on things that will make you feel happy and whole. If you're not in counseling, give it a whirl. And try not to be scared or overwhelmed. Do for yourself, and enjoy it. The rest will follow.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I love all the advice you've been given and I definitely need reminders of it.
The hardest thing for me after 14 years together was letting go of all the future expectations, hopes, dreams and plans we/I had for the future. I think it takes some time for that to dissolve but in the mean time planning fun things in the short term to expand your own horizons is a good idea.
DD2 11.17.08
I subscribe to the Tiny Buddha newsletter... http://tinybuddha.com/
I get a daily wisdom newsletter and I find incredible inspiring and helpful at moments.. I hope it helps you find some inspiration as you start this new journey. Good luck and try to see it as a new adventure!
I remember how awkward it was when you still had people to tell about your divorce. No one's favorite topic!
But IMO your question is really about something else. Its about being the kind of girl that waits on every guy's move. Don't be that girl. Its not pretty, its not fun, and its not the way to a happy, healthy life.
When might he call? Will he call? You know when you'll know? When and if he calls. Until then, you really shouldn't give him much thought. Honestly. Get some hobbies, get some books (not self-help, stuff that's fun), take some fitness classes, join meetup groups (not dating ones).
You don't need to learn to live with uncertainty - you need to learn to live your life for you, and not on pins and needles wondering if someone else likes you.
Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I am in counseling every other week still and it helps so much! I go tomorrow and am looking forward to chatting about all of these feelings. I DO need to see this as an adventure... you're all so right.
I had fun when we hung out... I actually initiated it. I never have done that in the past and it felt so good to do! I guess in my head I've had these "rules to live by". Who initiates what etc... After this crazy year I am starting to learn that I need to throw those rules away... I need to learn to live in the moment and have faith that things will work out the way they are meant to.
I will have fun again in the future with or without him. I need to start living my life for me. This has been a challenge... but I need to welcome this challenge with open arms.
Thank you all again. I guess I just needed some reassurance from people who have been there.
Hi- I am in a similar situation and I hate the uncertainty. I wouldn't initiate anything though. I have been separated since July 2011 and have met a lot of guys since. I would never initiate any contact. I met a really cool guy in Nov and we sent a few emails/texts back and forth- we were going to do something twice in the week after I met him and it didn't work out either time. Then I didn't hear from him again till January (because I randomly ran into him out one night- he then called me the next day). Now we have been seeing each other since. I was tempted to reach out to him in Dec, but didn't. Most guys I know tell me they like to make contact and like to be the chaser, so my rule is never to make initial contact or call men.
I would just plan as much as you can to keep busy and things will fall into place.