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Supremely irritated (long)
I just need to vent. Nothing can really be done.
One of J's best qualities is his good heart and helpfulness. It's also one of his worst. He'll do anything for anybody, sometimes to his own detriment, and this is one of those times.
I got to his place around 6:30 tonight. His roommate was there and started telling me a story, so I talked to him out of politeness. While I was listening to the story, J got up and went into the kitchen. After a while, he hadn't come back, so when his roommate was finished and left the room, I went into the kitchen to see what he was doing. He was cleaning the kitchen. A deep clean, actually. When I asked him what was up, he said that his roommate was going to have a guest tomorrow night (a date thing), so he (J) wanted to have the apartment cleaned up. So, he was cleaning.
Uh, whut?
I said, "If it's B's guest, why are YOU cleaning?"
He said, "Because it needs done. The apartment's filthy."
And again I said, "Why are YOU the one cleaning and B is shut up in his room playing guitar?"
And he mumbled something about it being his apartment, so he just wanted to do it and get it done. (He's lived there 4 years, B moved in with him almost 3 years ago. Most of the stuff in the apartment belongs to J. More often than not, B helps himself to J's food. Just so you know the dynamic.)
Anyway, so whatever. I asked if I could help, so it could get done and we could spend time together, and he said no, that there really wasn't much I could do. OK, fine, I went into the living room and started playing with my phone, waiting for him.
An HOUR later, I had fumed quietly long enough, so I walked into the kitchen and took the sponge out of his hand and said, "If it's B's guest, I think it's past time you let B clean the apartment that HE helps mess up." He said, "It's no big deal, I'll be done soon. This place was a disaster, it was time it got cleaned."
Which went all through me.
It IS a big deal. I'm visiting my boyfriend, who's cleaning the kitchen for B's guest, while B is in his bedroom playing his guitar. That's a bigfuckingproblem to me. He said, "It's my apartment" like B lived in a bubble on the roof and never made a speck of dirt.
I said, "Well, my house needs cleaned too, but I'm here to see you. Had I known you were going to clean like this, I would have stayed home and done my own cleaning."
I went back into the living room, and he followed about 3 minutes later. He said he was sorry, he was just in cleaning mode and when he gets that way (really wanting to do it), he just wants to do it until it's done.
I explained to him that it wasn't the cleaning that bothered me, because I know that if I needed to get something done at my house and hadn't had time to, he'd be fine with it. It was the cleaning because B was having a girl over while B was acting like a stoner kid when homework needs done. i.e. lazy and goofing off. I understand feeling like it's your apartment so you don't want it to look disgusting when someone visits for the first time because it's a reflection on you, too, but FFS, wipe down the counters and put the dishes away, don't get out a damn toothbrush and clean the effing grout.
Whatever. I said my piece, and said I'd drop my irritation so we could enjoy the rest of our evening. He put a movie in and we snuggled on the couch. Halfway through it, he started yawning. When it was over, he gave this kind of sigh, and I asked what was wrong. He said, "Nothing. Just tired. I've kinda been running myself ragged, and there's so much to do."
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Are you effing kidding me? Of course you're exhausted from working OT hours at your full time job, taking care of your own business, visiting your daughter in the hospital, and helping your parent-type-people do work around their house.
SO WHYTHEFUCK are you cleaning the goddamned house when your roommate's lazy ass should be up doing it?
Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have a man that cleans, and one that's nice and does things for people, butSHIT, this is one time that NICE went too far!
OK, vent over. Still irritated, but I'll live.
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Re: Supremely irritated (long)
wow... I am sorry this upset you so much. It's just cleaning... you still got to have a nice evening, right...maybe he was cleaning for you also?
I wouldn't want this to happen all the time but in reality it's not a big deal... he needed to clean and you got to have time together.
I'm going to be the dissenter here and say I know EXACTLY what you mean. Because my sister is marrying a J.
PPs - she's not pissed that he cleans (that's actually awesome!). She's pissed that his uber-helpful nature is seriously interfering with their relationship.
My sister's fiance has this stupidly ingrained urge to help people (especially poor, little women), in fact, to save them. I'd share the worst story with you, but it's not mine to share (and I think it would scare the beejeesus out of you). And it's frustrating for her to see how much of their time together can be eaten up by him helping others. Hell, it's frustrating to me!
OP - I think the best thing you can do at this point is to have an honest conversation with J. Let him know how much you admire his willingness to help others, but that sometimes (and use last night as example) you feel like he allows others to take advantage of that helpfulness, and you don't like seeing someone as awesome as him being taken advantage of - you'd rather be spending time with him!
Sorry you were frustrated, and good luck!
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
1) He doesn't like to clean. It's not his "release".
2) again, I wouldn't have cared if he was cleaning because HE had someone coming over. He was only doing it because B had someone coming over.
3) he wasn't even talking to me while he was cleaning. For an hour and a half.
4) if you're that exhausted, cleaning can wait. I don't care if the president is coming over. No one ever died because the house wasn't clean.
5) B takes advantage of his natural inclination to help people. I also have this same inclination, so if I'M seeing an issue with it, there's definitely a problem. I'll bend over backwards twice to help people, but he's even worse than I am.
MY understanding of this post is this:
You are upset because you care about him and he has a lot going on right now. On top of all the stress in his life he is playing "mommy" to a lazy roomie who is not doing his fair share.
It isn't about the cleaning. It isn't that you are mad at HIM... you are more frustrated that this person is taking advantage of J and in turn adding to J's already full plate.
I totally understand.
One of the things that became a deal breaker for me in my most recent relationship was the fact that my ex was too nice, pretty much a sucker. He lent his friends chunks of money without thinking about it and he really didn't have the money to lend. He would then complain that they were not paying him back. It bothered me. He would go way out of his way for people over and over and they wouldn't meet him anywhere close to halfway.
Make sure you communicate your frustration without getting fired up.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like she is more mad at the roomie.
I do agree that you need to approach this gently b/c he has so much going on though... maybe put it on the back burner till his stress level goes down.
Yes, becca, you're correct on both counts. I'm mad FOR him and AT the roommate.
He also loans money to people who never pay him back, but he doesn't complain about it. It's just the way he is, and one of the reasons I like him so much, but there's a point where it's ridiculous, and this is it. I'm not going to say anything else about it, because it's not going to change anything and there's no use in getting him agitated. I just needed to vent.
This is my understanding as well. Hopefully after you get past your frustration you can explain it to him a little better. I would be completely frustrated as well!
You know what... I hate to say it, but the money lending was really bothersome to me. As someone who had basically no money to spare (kinda my own charity case for a while) I have a savings to build up. I would not lend more than $100 to anyone (there, of course, may be an exception in extreme cases if I can swing it) unless I had 4-6 months worth of living expenses in my savings account. I have a family to think about.
I tried to explain this to my ex and he acted like I was selfish or stingy. He never even asked WHY these people needed to borrow that much cash! I was really worried that if we lived together or married he would give our money away without running it by me. Everytime I brought it up he said he was not going to change.
It was very generous of him, I know, but he is a welder who is periodically laid off for months at a time because of the job market... I knew it would cause lots of fighting and bitterness in the future (not the job, the no question loans to friends). After being so close to bankruptcy and spending the last year getting out of CC debt, well... lets just say I am very cautious with my money.
ETA b/c I suck at speed typing! ugh
That thought has crossed my mind as well. It's something we'll have to re-visit if it comes to that point with us. Although, most of the time the person he lends to is his neighbor in his apartment complex, so I think that he wouldn't have much asking done once he moves out of there.
No, not at all. He hates cleaning.
So a few things.
1. Don't be frustrated FOR him, or mad at the roommate. This is purely a J issue. He's LETTING people do this to him. He is in complete control. It doesn't even sound like the roommate asked him to do it, he just decided to. No reason to take this out on the roommate.
2. You are telling him this behavior is okay by staying there. When he ignored you, you should have said "Hey, it seems like this cleaning is really important to you and tonight isn't going to work out. I'm going to head out. You know it's fine if you have things you need to do, but please don't ask me to hang out and waste my time."
3. I hate cleaning. Anyone will tell you that I hate it. But when I'm stressed or feel like there is a lack of control in my life, I will clean like crazy. It just makes me feel better. It isn't my typical release, but it's what I do when I need order. Usually I live in complete chaos and it's fine.
OH yeah this too!
Like I said, I'm not going to push the issue anymore. He's coming to my place tonight (he's leaving to give his roommate alone time. Funny, his roommate never leaves when I'm there. But I can't say much; I'd leave, too, because it's what I'd want someone to do for me) so we'll just have a nice evening.
I can completely see me being mad about this. Like you said, mad AT the roomate, FOR J. This was an issue with my recent ex that became a bigger and bigger problem as time went on. He didn't know how to say no even when the person he helped out didn't deserve it. He knew it bothered me and actually lied about helping someone once because he knew it would bug me that he did it. That became a whole other can of worms obviously because I HATE lying....anyway, not saying that's what going to happen with you, but I can relate to what an irritating trait it can be. Nobody wants to see someone they care about being a doormat, especially when you can see the "right" way to do it. In your case, he should have let the roomie have his date over so she can see what a pig he lives like.