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not really TIP but
Just something that bothers from time to time...
I'm an only child. My fiance and I do not want children and I've told my mom this in the past. She accepted it but I know she was disappointed. My mom loves babies and wants to be a grandmother, and I feel bad denying her her only chance of being one. I would never have a baby just to make her happy, but I don't know how to stop feeling guilty about it. She doesn't really bring it up but I'm sure she's hoping I'll change my mind someday (I'm 23 so there's time, but I don't see my feelings changing). This isn't something I think I need to discuss with her because she hasn't done or said anything to intentionally make me feel bad, I just want to not feel guilty about it.
Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Stories about disappointing your parents in other ways are welcome too lol.
Re: not really TIP but
Haha I think that's part of the reason I feel bad, because my mom ISN'T pushy about it. She doesn't do anything to make me feel resentful, so it just makes the guilt worse... because she's so nice about it. If that makes any sense. I guess I'm just going to have to learn to live with it. I feel like it's only going to get worse as I get older though. Even though she wants to be a grandmother I think my mom would be pretty pissed if I got pregnant right now. She had me when she was in her 30's so she's not expecting me to get knocked up young.
Oh yeah, I'd probably feel bad if my mom weren't so overbearing. I get where you're coming from.
My mom desperately wants grandDAUGHTERS (already has several grandsons). I lost 4 babies (all girls) and I know my mom felt an extra level of sadness because of that. When we later did IVF with PGD testing she asked if we were going to transfer only female embryos and seemed kinda disappointed when we said not necessarily.
When we finally threw in the TTC towel she pushed us to try 'just once more' and I don't think she would have done that if she already had granddaughters.
So yeah, I can relate. Mom never actually says anything directly about it, but I know she's really disappointed and I just feel like such a freaking failure. Sorry I don't have an genius advice. My current plan (the 'ignore it and it doesn't exist' approach) isn't exactly a smashing success.
Sorry to hear about your TTC troubles. Hopefully your mom won't pester you anymore. It's not like you didn't try.
I guess there isn't really any advice to be had on this topic... it's comforting to know I'm not alone in feeling this way though.
My mom actually sounds somewhat like yours. She has never said much, but it was there for a while. Then my cousin with 3 kids spent a weekend with them. It cured her completely.
I think that this is something that may lessen with time. I assume based on your age you haven't been married long. She'll get used to the idea and as you start to think more and more of yourself and your H as your own family unit, you'll put it out of your mind as well. Just give her some time to adjust her perspective.
I am pretty cold at times to my mom so I would have told her it is her fault for limiting her odds to have grandchildren by only having one kid. Yeah mom and I are umm well not that close. I hate parent guilt. Mom always guilts me about something. Right now it is not seeing my kids enough. So I agreed to let her watch them this summer and sure enough already there are 4 bad weeks for her where she can't do it.
Oh and at 23 I didn't want kids ever but by 30 that changed.
Yeah, I think I won't feel so bad eventually. I don't even think about it much, but when I do it sucks. I wish my mom could be "cured" like yours lol. Unfortunately the only people we know with small children are my cousin and her husband, and my mom no longer speaks to her family
Oh well.
Thanks. Honestly, we're pretty at peace with things now.
And on the upside, I now have our nonexistent children's college savings to blow on kickass shoes.
Eh. At 23 I didn't want kids, and at 33 I still don't.
I like the bolded part, that's something I'd say if someone was pushing me.
However, I think it's silly to think that getting older is going to change someone's stance on kids. Yes, sometimes it does, but to assume it will for sure is presumptuous and sort of condescending, don't you think?