Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband unsure about kids
So I have been married for about a year and a half now, and I had just found out from my husband that now he is not sure he wants to have kids. We have been together for over 5 years and we always talked about children and even talked about names we liked! We haven't had it easy in our first year of marriage. We moved out to an apartment, I was finishing up Bachelors degree, we ran into a lot of money problems, and had to move back home into my parent's house until we are able to be on our own again. I'm not sure if all of this going on made him feel unsure. He says that he is afraid to fail our children if we have them. He just finished up his degree, but has a dream of opening up his own, small restaurant. He says that a restaurant is a huge gamble, and if it fails, he fails a lot of people. I'm afraid he won't ever change his mind, and I know that I am meant to be a mommy. I'm not sure what to do 
Re: Husband unsure about kids
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I agree that neither of you should be contemplating having kids until you are more financially stable. In a lot of ways I get where your DH is coming from. It has always been my DH's goal to open a restaurant; they cost a lot of money and a lot of time to run. Having kids while starting a restaurant would be basically impossible for us given the amount of time and financial resources kids take. Game plan has always been to do the restaurant first and then when it's running and stable, revisit spawning. So if you're pushing to have them sooner v. later, he may be facing the reality of choosing between his dream of owning a restaurant and kids. And for most normal, rational people the two are mutually exclusive at least at the beginning. The fact that you all are struggling financially now has probably pushed his career goals back and that may be one concern he has; if he has to choose between the two which would he choose?
I would ask him very frankly what motivated his change in opinion and listen, without judging or trying to convince or argue. Keep revisiting the topic while you get on your feet. I think this is a dealbreaker from both sides: his chosen career path is NOT an easy one, having kids is not easy either. If you're not on board with the commitment of owning a restaurant or if he isn't on board with having kids that may be a dealbreaker.
When you get married young, this is exactly what could happen. If you're fortunate, you change in ways where you two are still a good fit - but more times then not, that doesn't happen.
I give your husband credit for having this conversation with you, knowing you wouldn't be happy about it, and not just keeping his mouth shut.
Having a rough first year of marriage SHOULD give you pause about the idea of having kids. When my marriage was In trouble I tried to convince myself (and others) that I didn't want more kids. I did, just not in the situation that I saw my life to be.
He's being honest with you about having second thoughts. The bottom line is you don't know whether those second thoughts will turn into definitely no or will go back to yes once your finances and lives are stable. All you can do is be honest with him about what each of those situations means for your relationship.
Whether you think having to move back in with your parents is a failure or not, he may feel that way (I would) and that may be making him reconsider all of his future plans and whether or not he's prepared for the things you guys previously discussed
My DH and I were around 30 when we got married and we were both in well paying fields, had bought a house etc. etc..... and still after we conceived our first child, my DH was freaking out about providing for this unborn child. He said that it was when he really got worried about making sure we had a stable future and was extremely concerned. And it happened once again when we conceived #2. And from other people I have spoken to, this need to feel like the "man" can provide for his wife and child is totally normal. And I think that the fact that you guys have already struggled and it is just the two of you is making him pause and think because I am sure that it has been a lot of pressure for both of you to come to the point of having to move in with your parents.
And to tell you the truth, I have a dear friend who never wanted children and now decided at 33 that she really wants to have one. When you marry so young, you have to grow and change together and you change so much that it isn't a guarantee that you both aren't going to change your opinions of what you individually and as a couple want out of life. As someone like you who always knew that I wanted kids... it was easier to ask that question after we had both been through college, worked many years, lived together and traveled for 4 years and really had a good sense of who we were individually and as a couple. It was easier to know what we wanted.
Good luck, but the best thing is that at least he is being open and honest with you!
Whoa!!!!! a little abrasive, no??
Is it a success? I don't understand why this is being pointed out as abrasive. OP is talking about tough life decisions, this is honesty. If you're wondering why your husband is back pedaling on wanting kids, you might want to actually examine your life.
Obviously he feels like he can't even take care of just them, let alone a finance sucking child.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
Well hell. You two cannot support yourselves, live with your parents, and he's opening his own business, which 90 percent of small businesses close within five years of opening. He'd be barking mad to reproduce at this point (and in fact, the baby itself could keep you in such dire financial straits that you cannot leave your parents' home and would cost so much that it would keep his business from being successful. )
What's the hurry? How old are the two of you?
Oh boy.
Do I think intentionally conceiving a child while living under your parents roof is a good idea? No. Are you a failure? Not so much. However, having a child is a beautiful thing - and in many relationships, it is a deal breaker. I know it would be in my situation.
I see many people throwing the age card around - well, I have news: I'm twenty-three years old, I own my home, and I am happily married. I'm just finishing my bachelor's and, guess what? That's okay!! How about this for everyone getting married in their late twenties or over thirty - you have spent so much time developing your own personal life, that you are too strong to combine your lives in a relationship. Some people are very happy and content doing so, but many of us 'youngsters' think there is nothing more beautiful than growing as you age with your spouse versus finding someone after you are already so secure with yourself that you don't want to bend for or with anyone else. It's worked since the beginning of time... and anyone who thinks it doesn't work because you're too young to get married is full of malice for those that were lucky enough to find their significant other at an age where they can procreate without fertility worries. My parents met when they were 16 and 17... they are now 60 and 61 and still happily married. Get out of here, Debbie Downers.
Now, to the issue. Your husband should not be changing his mind mid-game. If having a family is a really important adventure for you, this should be made clear. He must be fair - he cannot expect you to hold off on having children to support his dreams of owning a restaurant (which I support anyone who says this alone is a huge financial risk and has very low success rates), if he is not going to follow through with his previous committment. I've heard of couples divorcing over this sort of thing. No, you don't want to knowingly enter into pregnancy in your current situation, but if he doesn't want children altogether, this is a problem, and you need to evaluate how important having a family is.
Personally, I want a family - sooner rather than later, preferably, so I understand your plight; however, if having a family is negotiable for you, and he is completely out on the baby-making, this might work. If being a mommy has always been a dream of yours (just like the dream he has of owning a restaurant), take a hard look to determine whether or not you can cope with not having children - will you spend your entire life resenting this decision, or could you find a way to live with it (taking bigger, longer vacations, etc.).
Hope this helps.
And all you 'this-is-what-happens-when-you-get-married-young'-folks, you're really only angry you didn't find someone sooner. Don't be so negative and cut the younger women some slack. Just because we're young and married does not make our relationships any less genuine. I've been with my husband for eight years, only been married one. We know each other much better than many who wait until they're 29 to find someone and get married at 30 with babies at 31. It's not age that makes a relationship stable, it's how well you know someone. The end.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Oh hi mrsb! I met my h when I was 16 and we got married when I was 22! We've been together ten years this year!
STFU you have no idea what you're talking about and you're dead wrong.
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THE END.
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