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I need help with a lying BF
Ok...so I have been with my BF for 3 years....recently we moved from our home state to NC. However, he had issues down here with finding a job and we fought a lot. He ended up moving back home in December...he asked me if i wanted him to leave and I said yes...not thinking he would pack up in a day and leave (I know...my fault). He left...we missed each other and got back together within 2 weeks. In the past few weeks he has been miserable without me, very depressed...and he tells me this. I have to stay at my job since i am under contract. He has rented a place back home, so the game plan was that I would come back home in a year (after the contract ended). We have been going back on forth as to what city I would move to...he wants to stay where we were from. Regardless, we are TOGETHER and BF/GF.
On saturday he went out to bowl with his sister...he told me and even texted me to tell me when he got to dinner and then at 1am he texted me to ask me what I was doing...I was asleep so didn't respond. The following day we kept missing phone calls to each other and when we finally got around to talking he was distant saying we need to figure out what is going to happen in a year...r u coming home or should we break up. He said he was going to eat dinner and would call me back in a bit. This was 7:30, but 10:15, he still had not called...so I called him...he claimed he was sleeping but he sounded wide awake. So, I said fine, going to bed good night...and hung up (I was upset). I turned off my phone and for the next hour he called me about 50 times.
Two days later (still together) I found out through snooping (because he has been acting strange) that he was on the phone sunday after we hung up and monday night (again...around 10:30 pm...after he said he was going to change and go to bed) for 2 hours each night talking to a girl he met while out with his sister. When I called him out on it...he furiously denied it, until he realized I had proof. Then he came clean, saying she was a "friend" he met saturday night who was also having boyfriend problems, and they were both discussing their problems. He claims he told her how much he loves me and she knew. I am so upset, it makes me sick to my stomach he lied. He claims it was only phone calls and he admits he was wrong and screwed up. He keeps saying how lonely and miserable he is without me and it was someone to talk to. It was a friend of a friend of his sisters that came out with them. I don't know what to do.
Sorry this is soooooo long. Is this cheating? I love him, but I am so hurt. I know he didn't want to hurt me and if we were together he would've never done this. But does this make it forgivable. Has anyone else been through this. What do I do. Can I ever trust him again?!
Re: I need help with a lying BF
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
My guess is 22, based on her name.
Don't waste your time on this dude. There's no point.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
This is a lot of childish nonsense for people in their 30s. Why in the world do you think it's ok to look through his phone? And why did he not say "Adios, you crazy b!tch!" as soon as you told him you did that.
Regardless of all that "Soooo, are you moving home or should we break up?" + him talking to another woman probably means he wants out but doesn't want to do it. The first part is the bigger issue. He isn't saying, "So what is our plan?" as if staying together is a forgone conclusion. Do not make any major life decisions based on this person.
And don't go through someone's phone again or tell them to GTFO when you moved to a different city with them, unless you absolutely mean it. Jeezy creezy.
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
If he wasn't doing something shady or it had been completely innocent he would have started a conversation with you by saying "So, sliberty22, the other night I met this friend of a friend and I talked to her about our situation and she had some interesting points.." BEFORE he had been caught.
Or he would have just given you a confused look and said "Yeah, I talked to a friend of a friend.. why were you going thru my phone?" But he didn't. He waited until he was caught, then lied about it, then finally fessed up.
Only someone who was doing something wrong would react in the way he did. My guess is that he was laying groundwork to start something with this other girl. I'm sorry.
This is a lot of juvenile BS. The "am I moving back or are we not going to be together" dance needs to end because the sheer fact you're even dancing around it indicates you're not going to be together move back or not.
You're in your thirties and the two of you think this BS is the way normal adults who love each other behave? Holy hell.
The fact that he moved out on that short of notice and the two of you were unwilling, at that time, to put any effort into resolving the issues is a good enough reason to cut ties and move in. If you're sooooo in loveeeee then you put the work into the relationship, you don't bail. Second, if you were in a relationship and he's talking to other women on the phone for hours and lying about it, that's sketchy. Another huge reason to break up and move on. Someone who will not work on issues in a relationship and seeks attention and validation outside the relationship from other women is someone who is not fully invested or committed. Why would you want to be with someone like that? You can never have a truly healthy relationship with someone like that. Wanna know how immature your relationship seems? Look at the part where you turned off your phone and he called you 50 times. Adults discuss and work out their issues when they arise, they don't play cat and mouse, give the silent treatment, etc. I have a feeling the two of you are feeding off the drama in order to keep the relationship going and there isn't any true substance underneath all that drama.
Question is, what about this relationship is worth saving? You're grasping at straws. Sometimes being codependent, "in love" isn't good enough. Healthy long term relationships require trust, commitment, communication. You guys lack all of that.
I think you guys are 21 and 28.
Either way, this is the beauty of dating. You are employed with a life in a new city. He isn't. He tried and failed and went home. You don't have a home together. The thing is, you have to try really hard to forge a life together after you make vows. You didn't. You are in the lets-pick-the-best-person-to-commit-with stage of your life.
This guy isn't your best option.
Not even a little. No offense. You can like him, miss him - he can even miss you. But you are clearly the back-up girl so he doesn't feel too lonely in his really crappy life. I don't know why you want to be that. You clearly have a lot more going for you than he does. I bet the new "friend" is thinking he's a looser, too. She's not giving up her current wreck of a BF for him - the new guy -jobless, OOT girlfriend, just returned to hometown - but she'll talk to him and make herself feel better from the attention.
You can do better. Pretty much anyone can do better than this.
THIS is a damn lie.