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Smack some sense into me
These last few days have been really really hard
My STBX is stationed in Korea. Before he left I outlined what I defined as cheating. He cheated. He lied, he tried to hide his behavior from me. I called him out on his unacceptable behavior. He of course became angry with me. My marriage was falling apart long before he left. He was emotionally and verbally abusvie, chose his computer games and friends over me, never spent quality time with me. Our sex life was boring and lacked any spark. He frequently turned down sex and made me feel like crap about about myself. I laid out everything that I needed to change in our marriage for me to be happy, but he decided that he didn't want to work on it and asked for a divorce. I wanted to work on the marriage and try marriage counseling and make try to save what we had. He didn't want to. I know I cannot make him go to counseling, but it still hurts that he didn't even want to try.
We have decided to move on two months ago. I had been doing really well and counseling has been going really well and has been helping a lot. I am looking forward to my future but the last few days I have found things on facebook that just broke my heart. One instance is my fault. I looked at his profile and he posted that he spent the whole day with this girl and tagged her in the post. I looked at her facebook, she is beautiful and thin, things that I feel I am not. I am not thin and have a significant amount of weight to lose (I am working on that with weight watchers and a personal trainer). Then yesterday I was on a family tree app on facebook. I am not familiar with it at all so I was randomly clicking on things to check it out. Then BAM! I run into pictures of him and his girlfriend kissing, and an artsy thing that she made with his and her names together. I am disgusted, hurt, and angry. Part of me wants him back. Part of me still wants to try. I know he is a tool and an idiot, but seriously WTH is wrong with me? Why can't I just let go. After I found the pictures, my sister took my laptop from me and blocked him for me. So TIP, please, smack some sense into me because I am seriously a hot mess of emotions. The real kicker is that divorce paperwork hasn't even been filed yet, he is paying for it so he asked me to wait until payday to file.
Re: Smack some sense into me
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Block his facebook page. You were unhappy with this man and you saw that the reality was he was not what you wanted. Reread your first paragraph because you said all the things in there about why you didn't want to be with him.
You want him back so he can cheat on your and abuse you again?
Yeah, I can wrap my mind around that!
You are doing the right thing.
Keep at it in counseling and talk to your therapist about these feelings.
He cheated on and abused you. He took you for granted and degraded you. This is all in your past now. You don't really want to go back there.
Keep on working on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. All the things that you want to do for yourself are improvements, not things that are wrong with you. Its all just icing on the awesome that is you.
You want the person you THOUGHT you had back. The person that he REALLY is-- not so much. You want what you thought you could live with for the rest of your life. What you are really dealing with is a lying cheating doucher. Keep reminding yourself of that. Also, block his facebook. You'll just keep torturing yourself with it. It can go nowhere.
Remember what you want for you. He can go fudge himself.
You can't force yourself to be over him. Believe me, I tried that too and it made me even more frustrated and miserable than I already was. One day you will be, but you can't press the fast-forward button and have it get here sooner. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your sister was smart to block him from your FB (I just disengaged from FB full-stop). It may look like he's moved on from your marriage easily (and, thus, so should you), but a lot of people choose to just bury it and sub in a warm body so they don't have to do any personal reflection. Doesn't mean what they're doing is smart, and it doesn't mean that's what's best for you.
Don't worry yourself about what he's doing and don't compare yourself to what he's doing. Once I figured out that my own hot mess of emotions was acceptable and normal, they stopped ruling me. Counseling helped (of course). It's a process.
If it makes you feel better, think about the type of woman that's OK with dating a newly separated man that also happens to be a tool and an idiot. Bottom o' the barrel, right there. Like attracts like.
So very very very true.
Yikes. Block him. Stay away from his personal life. And stay in counseling.
I understand its hard. The person that my XH cheated with is much thinner than I am. Like you, I also have a lot of weight to lose (leftover from pregnancy... it is stubborn). And I really got down on myself for quite awhile thinking if I was thinner or if I was this or that. But the fact is, that would not have changed the fact that they are the kind of person that will cheat on their wife. It hurts because we loved them and we feel we are just told that they found someone better than us. But you know what, that is not true. They just found someone willing to put up with them or someone who does not know the real man that we know. Once I realized this, I started coming out of my shell again and I had several guys and girls telling me that they found me attractive and sexy. It is about the confidence.
Continue the counseling. Allow yourself to hurt and grieve, but do not dwell. I have had to block XH and the OW to keep myself from checking up on them. One day you will realize that you no longer care about him or his life.
Block his facebook, keep going to counseling
He is a tool like you said he verbally and physically abused you. You deserve better.
Like the PP said, keep his FB blocked, and remember that even though he treated you like crap, you will still grieve the loss of your marriage and you have every right to feel angry, betrayed, and any other emotion that may come up.
Remember though - he's been a douchebag, has treated you like crap. You don't want to go back to that.
I know I'm late to the party, but I still wanted to respond.
First of all no matter what weight you're at, you're beautiful.
I think part of what's throwing you off right now is looking at those pictures of him. The pictures "prove" that he can be a nice guy, and a sweet and loving partner. Everything that you always wanted him to be, but he wasn't. So by an extremely flawed, and very incorrect process of elimination, it seems like the problem would have to be you.
Also I don't think your size or hers really figures into this. If size was that much of an issue I doubt he would have dated both of you. And the reason, I'm saying this is I suspect that you may be thinking "if I were her size, he wouldn't have cheated on me, or that he would have treated you the way he should have, if you were thinner or "more attractive". This is 100%, completely, truly, and utterly false.
The reason he cheated on and abused you, is he's an A*hole. The reason he'll cheat on and abuse this girl is because he's an A*hole.