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(Probably dumb) Dating question
I wont say that this is flame free because I feel like I sort of need a reality check.
I was 18 when I met STBX, we got married when I was 23, and Im turning 28 next week. Yes, thats 10 years together, 5 married. He was my first and only and although my divorce is not final and I am no where near ready to start dating seriously, I was wondering what is the percentage of guys that expect sex when dating? I have no freaking idea what is "normal" or "fair" but I know for me I wouldnt be comfortable with sex until there is some level of commitment emotionally and of course exclusivity. I am not even sure I would be able to open myself up like that until I got married again, but I have never dated as an adult so I have NO idea what I will feel comfortable with vs. whats "normal."
I know that probably sounds old fashioned, but there are a lot of contributing factors. STBX rejected me physically a whole lot so I havent really had that much sex to begin with (sad, I know) and then he had affairs with multiple women, so there is a lot of hurt associated with sex. I know with time and with the right person I will get over and heal from those things, but it is something Im nervous about.
Re: (Probably dumb) Dating question
Not flameworthy IMO.
Well, I think most guys "expect" sex while dating unless they are specifically waiting for marriage (usually for religious purposes or something.) However, just because they expect it, doesn't mean you have to go along with it if you're not comfortable.
I think it's completely reasonable to want to be committed to someone and have exclusivity if you're sleeping with them. I also think that most guys would find that reasonable too (and if they don't, then they probably aren't someone you want to date anyway.)
With that said, I think it's also reasonable for a guy (or a woman, for that matter) to not be okay with waiting until marriage until they sleep with someone. I know I wouldn't be okay with it. So, you might be narrowing your pool if that's what you're looking for (but that's okay, you should feel comfortable.)
I think that you should do some more work on yourself (are you in counseling?) to deal with your feelings about intimate relationships. The last thing you want to do is start holding your feelings of rejection and discomfort against the next guy you're dating. That wouldn't be fair to him or you.
ITA. Nothing more to add.
Tea Time for Lulu
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I think that if being hurt and skittish is the reason you want to wait for marriage, to make sex somehow safe, then you're not ready to get into a relationship at all. It's not a criticism - I feel confident that when you work through things, heal emotionally, and then meet a guy with whom you really connect, then you'll probably be less reluctant.
Now, I'm not saying you should sleep with a guy just because you've been on a few dates with him, of course. There's nothing wrong with needing to know and trust a guy as a person before you can trust him well enough to metaphorically and literally bare yourself to him, and trust him with your health. All of that is just good sense.
I have been in counseling for almost 2 years throughout this whole stupid ordeal. I think I am physically ready for sex, but I am not emotionally ready for that level of commitment.I think once the divorce is final I would be ready to casually date, but not looking for something long term (if it happens, great, if not NBD) or overly emotionally deep. I have never actually dated per say other than being in a relationship. So I am excited but also somewhat nervous about it! I actually have no idea how to date (I know that sounds stupid doesnt it?) so once I figure that out I figure I will begin to know what Im comfortable with or not.
I dont know that I would 100% not have sex until I got married again, I am sort of just figuring out my sexuality as an adult.
That's far less of the reason. Im just saying in general, Im not sure how I feel about sex considering how badly Ive been hurt-0 whether in the confines of a marriage or not. The marriage part is more to do with personal convictions that Im not sure about anymore.
Well, you have plenty of time to decide what your personal convictions are as an adult, right? And to figure out how to date without settling down into something serious. Really, why so serious at all right now?
I just didnt know if Id be "able" to casually date- if the expectation of sex early on in a relationship is there, how casual would I be able to be if I know I want to at least wait until there is an emotional connection/exclusivity?
I dont know if that's making sense. I guess Im asking if Ill be able to casually date and have fun without the expectation or complication of sex.
I second Kuus. Please go to therapy; there is no better feeling than being comfortable and confident in your own skin. I'm sorry you've been so hurt.
Thanks- I think Im just nervous about the whole thing and it helps to hear that maybe I dont need to be so nervous. Keep in mind, the last person I dated was a hormonal 16 year old in high school!
Well it's nervewracking because you're thinking way to far ahead. You're thinking about what it would be like to have sex with someone else but right now their just this elusive "guy." Once you start dating and get to know people and decide if you are attracted to them or not it will come much easier. That's not to say you won't be nervous when the time comes, but if you are uncomfortable, then that's a sign it's not the right fit. I promise these things fall into place when you meet some you're compatible with (whether it's more casual or serious). It's not something you need to be stressing about right now.