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Don't know what to do...
I have been struggling recently with my marriage. DH and I just had a baby a couple of months ago and DH also has a 9 year old son who lives with us part time. Since the baby was born DH and I have been having a lot of problems. DH has never been affectionate but it seems like he has been even less so recently. DH has also started a new job which is much more stressful and he has been snapping at me and getting angry very quickly, so I have been feeling very alone. I take care of the baby all day as I am a SAHM, but when I ask him to take care of the baby in the evening so I can get some housework done or just relax myself, he complains saying that he needs time to himself and since I am a SAHM that the baby is my responsibility. When I ask him to do things he flips out and says that I say he doesnt do anything. All I want is for him to tell me he loves me, give me a hug, or even give me little gifts. I mentioned that I wanted a nice diaper bag for Mother's Day and he started flipping out about why does he have to get me a gift. He can never pass up an opportunity to criticize me.
I am already feeling low and frustrated and then an old ex boyfriend comes back into my life. There are a lot of reasons why I didn't stay with the ex, but honestly he treated me very very well and always went above and beyond to make me feel special. So now I find myself texting him behind DH's back because I feel like I am not getting any attention at home. I don't want to end up getting divorced, especially because I don't want DH to have any custody of the baby, and also because DH's mom and I hate eachother. She is bipolar and super manipulative as well as has a history of saying nasty things about me and my family. It has been almost a year since the last time I saw her and she has never seen the baby. I worry if DH and I get divorced she will then be able to see the baby and as he gets older will taint him with her lies.
I feel frusterated and trapped. We've been to counseling and DH will change for a couple of days but then will be right back to the same way. I also want to mention that this is DH's second marriage. EW had an affair about 6 months after SS was born. I almost wonder if he did the same thing to her, made her feel alone and not special, and that is why she had an affair. I just don't know what to do and I feel so depressed. Please help me.
Re: Don't know what to do...
The most important thing you need to do, is stop all contact with you EX. This does not help anything! You know this! Seriously, think about it, what good is going to come of this? He is an ex for a reason, plus, you are just looking for someone to make you feel better now, but this is not a healthy way at all to do that. If things do get worse and you decide to divorce, the last thing you need is to jump directly into another relationship.
Get yourself into personal counceling and get yourself and your husband back into marriage counceling. A new baby is HARD and produces stresses that without experiencing it, cannot be imagined. Open the lines of communication with your husband. Sit him down and talk rationally and do not accuse him of things. Just explain how you feel and that you really want things to work, but that they are not and that you want personal and maritial counseling asap.
Concentrate on your marriage and your new baby now. Focus on that! HUGS!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
How is H's relationship with his 9 year old? Does he expect you to take care of him 100% when he is with you?
If you get divorced you H will get some custody...he is his father. Is that a reason to stay married to a man you are miserable with?
Seems to me that oyu need some counseling for yourself as well as with H. If he refuses counseling I'd say the writing is on the wall.
Why did you get married to, and subsequently have a child with, a man you wouldn't want to have custody of your son? What do you suppose would happen if you were to (God forbid) die tomorrow?
How old are the two of you, how long have you been married, and how long did you date before you got married?
Is he an active and engaged father to your SS? Did he want another child?
First thing:
Discontinue contact with the ex boyfriend.
There is a reason you are NOT with him, instead of your H. And a very good one.
Second of all, talk to your H: communication is KEY.
Find somebody to take the kiddo for a few hours when you and your H are going to be home together -- and then tell him what you told us. If you're dreadfully unhappy with your marriage, his behavior and things the way they are between you and your H, your H needs to know that you're upset.
He also needs to work on this with you.
He could be snappish and distant because of the new job --- it's long hours, probably a new boss and an entirely new set of coworkers; that takes some time to get acclimated to.
He also shouldn't be taking his feelings out on you; that's another thing you need to address when you talk to him.
His mother is nasty and divisive: your H needs a newsflash and stat:
He needs to tell his mother to treat you civilly and no 2 ways about it: it is to be done without question and followed through upon immediately.
You need to come first, not his mother....if his mother is getting her way by being horrible to you and treating you like dirt, then yes, his mother is coming first, by virtue of the fact that your H's tacitness is permitting her to come first. "Yes, it's fine for you to do as you wish and treat my wife like crap" is what his silence is saying. Don't stand for this.
IF he will not speak up to his mother and take a stand on your behalf, I strongly suggest you rethink your H. You and your H (and your kiddoes) are the family now, not him and his mother. I don't think he gets even that much.
Do you know exactly why your H and his exYF broke up, outside of her having an affair? (I will bet you his mother was also the same rotten little biznatch to her -- usually the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.)
As I said, talk to your H -- and do it as soon as possible. GL.
First things first, drop all contact with the ex. That's not helping the situation and is, in fact, clouding your judgement.
Secondly, stop thinking about the in laws hating each other, not wanting your husband to have custody (really?) and all other shiit that's irrelevant to your current situation. The fact is that if your marriage is irreparable, you can't stay with the man just to avoid those types of situations. (Fwiw, why would you stay married to a man you don't want having custody of the baby?)
Third, find a damned babysitter already, someone to come and give you some time off during the day as needed. Maybe you could find a mom's group, a gym with childcare, something to get you out of the house and give you time to remember who you are sans baby and jackwad of an H.
Four, stop asking him to do things. Give him an hour to decompress from work (although I'd give him twenty minutes tops) then drop that baby in his lap and tell him you've got shiit to do. Then go get it done.
Although honestly, if you've been to counseling more than once and this is what contributed to the breakdown in his first marriage, the odds are pretty good that you've got yourself an incurable doucher. You may not want to share custody with him, but again, why in the hell would you want to live with him full time if that's the case?
You should try some counseling for yourself though in a bid to help you through this process and to give you more backbone. Yeah, he works hard although I bet his job isn't all that taxing but so do you and you deserve some time to breath at the end of the day.
What good is having a partner if you have to do everything on your own? You may as well be single and do everything on your own anyway. At least you wouldn't resent the lump on your couch.
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