Starting Over
Cycle of Abuse Wheel: http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
To the poster who DD'd
I get it, I do. Please keep these numbers and websites though:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224
Abusive Personality: http://www.newbeginningsnh.org/html/signs.htmlCycle of Abuse Wheel: http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
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Re: To the poster who DD'd
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I've been that woman. I posted on TIP and DD's 8 months before I left. I wasn't ready to hear it...
I was just replying to it when it disappeared....so here's my thoughts:
Counseling will help deal with the issues you're facing. Survivinginfidelity.com has some amazing supports there and honestly "get it" and can help you make heads or tails of the rollercoaster you are now on. There's probably also a million books that might help. I can't quite remember the title, but I think it was something along the lines of My Husband's Affair Was the Best Thing That Happened to Our Marriage. A co-worker read it when she found out her husband had cheated and it helped her. They're still together, but I will note that she still has a lot of trust issues.
It's a tough road, regardless of what you decide to do. I hope you stick around because a lot of us have been in similiar situations and can offer some first-hand advice!
And my response that I was writing while she DD'd:
Well, I'm glad you recognize that its sad that you're in a place where you'll accept this kind of treatment.
As they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step.
You're going to keep being cheated on and abused so long as its something you accept, and by accept, I mean, choose and stay with men who act like this. You've yelled, cried, accused, and so on. Its not going to change.
Its also sad that one of your husband's 'good points' is that he hasn't abused your daughter. That's a pretty lame quality. I expect that from a husband and father.
While he may not abuse her literally, and in your mind hasn't done 'anything' in front of her, both of you are setting a terrible example for her. Statistically, she is going to grow up like you, and end up being abused and cheated on by her partners.
What do you mean you've tried starting over and can't?
Now adding... deleting an internet post looking for help isn't going to make the problem go away.
I know its hard hearing these things, and I know its scary to imagine starting out on your own. But life is short, and you can make yours better, and provide a better example for your daughter. Its like ripping a band-aid off.
i totally hear you. she has to be ready. i've been there before too. i hope she stays safe.
My XH, never abused me, but he was unfaithful and constantly lied. When my son was born, I realized that by staying with him and trying to cater to him to get him to stay, I was showing my son that it is ok to lie and cheat and I want my son to be better than that. We separated when DS was a month old. Every day since, I have known it was the right decision
Hi. My mom was married to an abusive man, but he "never did anything in front of the kids." I saw him hold my mother against the fridge by her neck until her face was purple when I was supposed to be in bed. I saw him throw plates at my mom, throw our dog outside onto her back, slap my mother, the list goes on. All at times I was "in bed" or "at a friend's house" (but came home without them knowing). You may think she has never seen it, but she has. Or has heard it. Hearing it is the worst. Listening to your mom cry at night is not okay. Get out. My mom did and it was the best thing she could ever have done.
Alisha is a wise, wise woman.
It takes a lot of people several tries to leave so just because it didn't work once doesn't mean it won't work if you try again. I have no doubt that you have people in your life who would be grateful and happy to help you. Reach out to them. A real friend will be happy to help you stay safe, nobody will judge you, they will be happy to have you back. I guarantee you that people know this is happening but don't know how to help; let them. Once you can leave you can get back to feeling like yourself, knowing yourself.