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Introduction
Hi to everyone. I have been a lurker on this board here and there and thought I would come out and introduce myself. My name is Charity, 32 years old, live in Michigan, and have been married for 3 years. My husband is 10 years older, from Germany, and has 2 children from a previous marriage.
Anyways there are a lot of problems in our marriage. He threatens me all the time about certain stuff. Whenever we fight, he always threatens divorce. He says that I need to lose a lot of weight and that he's no longer attracted to me, but I am about 30 lbs more or less than when we got married.
We got into it yesterday and I basically stood up for myself when he threatened divorce and said he was leaving next week. I basically told him that he is responsible for a lot of what's going wrong in our marriage (I admitted fault too), that he needs to own up to a lot of stuff, needs to stop threatening me, etc. I said if you wanna leave, then leave but it's kind of funny how you are the common dominator in both your marriages - you are the one that had the problem with everything and left.
I have very low self esteem - he never compliments me or anything. Seems not to care what I do, etc. Never wants to do anything together when I suggest something. He is always playing his WOW (World of Warcraft) Game, etc. I can't compete with that.
Advice needed, given, etc. please 
Re: Introduction
I remember you! (from another board, obviously).
First of all, what do YOU want? Do you know yet?
Have you talked about counseling at all?
And welcome!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I don't know what I want anymore. I thought I knew, but now I don't know. He won't go to counseling - he refuses.
Are you in counseling? If not, I would highly suggest it. If you don't know yet, I wouldn't suggest making a decision. When you know what the right choice is, you know. I left my XH and when I was done, I was done. I spent months going to therapy, working on myself, thinking about things before I really knew what I wanted.
I would try on focus a little more on you right now and see where it takes you.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I remember your story too...and you've been around for awhile now. I'm surprised you are still with him. Weren't you putting it off for financial reasons?
My advice? Time to move on. Let him move out and get a lawyer
Welcome!
I'm sorry you're having these problems. While I wasn't married, I was in a very similar situation. I was pregnant and my BF (the baby's father) constantly threatened to leave me. On top of that, he was emotionally abusive in other ways. The first time he threatened to leave me, he got the response he was looking for. I cried and begged him to stay.
Thankfully, I began seeing a counselor on my own who helped me see the situation for what it was. She opened my eyes to the verbal abuse and asked me when I was going to stand up for myself.
It wasn't right away, but one day my Ex threatened to leave me again and I told him not to let the door hit him in the a$$ on the way out. Guess what...he didn't have anywhere to go! It was an empty threat. He was an abuser and a manipulator and it was a control tactic he was using against me. But guess what? I kicked him out and made him leave that night even though he didn't have anywhere to go. I had to threaten to call the police to get him out, but he left.
My advice to you is that you get yourself into counselling as soon as possible. I've thanked my counselor numerous times. I never would have had the strength to do what I did had it not been for that amazing woman. Regardless of the ultimate outcome in your situation, a counselor will help you to sort through your feelings and decide what to do.
Are there any good parts?
What are you doing to improve your self-esteem?
I am really sorry for what you are going through.
My husband decided a week ago that he wants out... broke my heart. My H also is not willing to admit any fault for the troubles and challenges we've had. He won't go to counseling or to see our priest together.
I don't have very high self esteem either but I had to make the choice, for myself, to let him go. Everything in me told me to fight for him. But I knew that I couldn't live with this hanging over my head, wondering if/when he was going to just up and leave. It isn't healthy and I know I deserve better.
Although it has only been just over a week, I'm finding myself growing stronger each day and even more confident already. I have moments where I can picture myself being honestly, truly happy without him. A better me.
I went to counseling last week and it was incredibly helpful. I can't begin tell you how much stronger, and better I felt about myself and my new reality after that one session.
Good for you, and love the screenname!
Thank you
I have been seeing a therapist but haven't seen her in a while due to her schedule and my schedule conflicting. I have an appt with her and I can't wait. I have so much to unload on her and want to get all of these emotions and feelings out. Maybe this will make it so much clearer on what I need to do or not to do. Everyone I know wants me to be happy and do what I need to do. If I need to leave, it's that step of doing it. If it leads to that, I don't know how to do it. I am scared of my feelings, emotions, etc during all of this. I don't know what to think if that makes sense.
It is all very normal. I was a wreck when I went through everything: I drank alot, had panic attacks, really bad anxiety--it was horrible. It is okay to be scared but don't bury your feelings. This is a time to be really honest with yourself about what you want and what you don't want.
And I promise, if you decide to leave, you will know that you are making the right decision. It took me 4 months to make that choice but once I made it, I never looked back. You will feel in your heart that it is the right thing to do.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Glad to know that this is normal to have these feelings. I have anxiety all the time and depression runs with it too.
I can really relate to you. My STBEX chose his video games over me. My Ex also would belittle me and make me feel like less of a person. I was trying to lose weight and he would either sabotage me or police me and make me feel like a child. It took me a long time to figure out what to do and it started with me standing up to him. Please get yourself some counseling and see if he will go to marriage counseling, that is if you do want to save your marriage. I wasn't sure if I wanted to save my marriage, but I read a book that helped. Too bad to stay, too good to leave. It brought quite a bit of insight for me.
What was the name of the book? I can't tell if you put it in your post or not. Sorry in advance if you did.
It's "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay"
thanks