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bad night
This is a hell of a way to start to posting, but I need to get some of this out of my head, and I feel like none of my normal outlets work for this. I've been married for almost 6 months. I've been hating our newlywed life. First of all is the sexlife issue. We only seem to manage to have sex on weekends, and then not every one. I've been giving up on trying to initiate it because it doesn't lead to anything. The only thing that works is letting him know that I'm interested and waiting for him to decide he's in the mood. Apparently the computer is more fulfilling than sex.
But the bigger issue (which sometimes affects the first issue) is the drinking. I knew he was alcoholic before we got engaged. But he'd been sober for more than two years until a month before the wedding. There were a couple incidents before we got married, and it proceeded to get worse from there. It seems that anytime he has the house to himself for several hours he gets drunk. It's become automatic for me to search for the bottle of vodka whenever he has a day off. He's seeing a doctor now and taking Wellbutrin, but it hasn't lessened the drinking. I honestly wonder how interested he is in quitting.
Between stress at work and all of this I'm having a hard time coping. I know this is way too much non fun info to put in one post, especially when I have no history here, but I just had to get it out.
Thanks
Re: bad night
Did he never use the computer before? And if he did, what did you two discuss when it came to talking about time spent on the computer/activities/hobbies versus spending time together?
And I see that you said he was an alcoholic before you were engaged but had it under control, then he fell off the wagon a month before you got married. Was this not a red flag for you? Why did you go thru with the wedding?
I understand not wanting to lose your deposits and thinking that you can fix someone, if you love them enough. But it doesn't work. If that is what you were thinking when you went thru with the wedding, then you need to be individual counseling, because that idea gives more of an indication of your mindset about saving others. Others that can't be saved except when they take steps to save themselves.
So, when it came down to it, why did you decide to marry this person that had obvious issues that needed serious help?
ETA: I'm sorry, I didn't mean my post to come off as judgmental or anything of the sort. I really do feel for you and your situation and do wonder about the answers to the questions I stated above. Also, how old are both of you?
Okay...this is like seeing my parents marriage start. My mom knew my dad had a drinking problem and she still married him. For 22 years they played the game where they fight, she throws him out, he comes back and then we played the "Let's find dad before he blows the paycheck" game. As a child watching this unfold and growing up in it let me tell you that honestly...it won't work. You can not fix him. You can be emotional support but that is it. HE has to make the decision to quit and just taking a pill isn't going to do it. He needs meetings and he basically needs to switch his addiction from alcohol to AA. He needs to surround his life with the program.
What does this mean for you? If he makes the commitment to quit then you as a wife need to make a commitment to educate yourself. To support him and to find others like you. If you are a social couple then you need to tell your friends flat out that he is quitting. It is a life change. Like dieting. Or having children.
I don't want to sound unsympathetic or harsh but I hope you do not have kids. Growing up in the home that did was an emotional roller coaster. My dad had 5 years under his belt and lost it when a family member passed away. There is no definite fix. No guarantee. You need to decide if you can live like that and you really need to consider if you want children growing up with it.
No...unless I'm not looking in the right spot? lol
As for how old we are -- early and mid thirties. We're both socially awkward outsiders with very little romantic history under our belts.
I'd had no previous personal experience with alcoholism, including his. We met through the internet and spent years talking online before we finally decided we were a couple and met in person. After another year of carrying on a relationship via internet and phone and a handful of face to face visits, and discovering he was alcoholic and coming to terms with that, he moved halfway across the country to set up his life here so we could get married. That's our history.
I didn't think I could fix him. I had faith in his ability to fix himself based on the fact that he'd already worked very hard to do that. I chalked the drinking in the month before the wedding up to stress and thought/hoped he would get it under control after things normaled out. I didn't expect a fairytale. I expected money troubles and disagreements and frustrations and stress. I just didn't expect to feel so isolated and depressed so much.
As for all the "why did I go through with the wedding" stuff. I'd made my commitment to this relationship when I helped him move out here. The wedding was just another step.
(Yay I get to type this again!) ^ That right there will help with isolation. They understand what you're going through and you can definitely talk to them about it.
Talk to him about attending meetings with you. Find one in your area. If you guys want to be together then he needs to get back ON the wagon and commit to it.
I'm sorry.
You have to assume you isn't going to change. I've lived with it with one of my family members and it's a tough realization to come to.
You have to figure out if it is a dealbreaker for you, assuming nothing changes from status quo. It sounds like it is, but it would be helpful for you to pursue counseling and substance abuse support groups, I think, to get further input from experienced professionals.