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S/O the "all men cheat" post
Do you believe that monogamy is unnatural and it is unrealistic to think that being faithful to one person for the rest of your life?
I had a friend bring this up long before I stumbled upon this post. She said that she feels it's not a natural thing for people to be with only one person, but she still thinks it should be done.
I think that there is natural temptation in life in every aspect. When I go to Macy's my urge is to max out my credit card on designer denim and heels. But I also know if I do that I will feel guilty and out of integrity.
When I go to dinner I want to order a huge plate of pasta and the 1,000 calorie dessert. But I do not because I think about how hard I work at staying in shape, working out, and being fit, and why ruin it for a moment of weakness?
These same feelings apply to giving into a moment of weakness and cheating. Sure, when I was married I was definitely attracted to other people. But I never acted on my urges because I had a commitment to someone and I would've felt horrible about myself afterwards. It's my values and integrity that will keep me from cheating in the future. And the realization that a fleeting moment of pleasure and excitement isn't worth the fallout that would come after it was all said and done.
Re: S/O the "all men cheat" post
I think it's a person by person case. I know for me II cannot wrap my head around only have sex with one person for the rest of my life. I can't imagine that wouldn't get super boring and tedious. Of course my own poor experiences with marriage color this opinion. I know others who cannot keep their hands off their partners of 10 years. I'm sure if I met the right person I might change my tune.
What is important is that people are honest with themselves and what they want. Everyone doesn't need to go down the path of marriage.
I'd recommend that anyone who is actually interested in exploring this theory should pick up a copy of the book Sex at Dawn, which gives a really compelling argument that monogamy is a social construct, not the way humans are wired.
And, you know what? I don't think we're wired for monogamy, but I don't think that means it's not possible. I think monogamy is a choice you make every morning when you wake up -- which is why, when successful, I think it's so powerful. But I'm pretty sure it's not inherent in our nature as humans.
Personally, I prefer monogamy. I've alluded to my wicked jealous streak before. I don't like the idea of sharing my partner, and I believe in reciprocity, so monogamy it is. It's not always easy. Sometimes, I see someone and I really, intensely want to have sex with that person. But the risk isn't worth the reward.
Also, non-monogamy does not necessarily equal cheating. There are plenty of non-monogamous couples who enter into this arrangement with eyes wide open, and they can have successful, loving relationships. It's possible, when everyone is on the same page and things aren't done in secret. It's not for me, but it's possible.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Well put. I do know a few couples who have chosen to be committed but are not monogamous. I can't say it's always worked out perfectly for them but, to each their own.
I am like you GOZ, I could never imagine sharing a partner because, when I love someone I do tend towards a jealous streak.
I agree with GOZ. I think we are wired to want variety, but also want what's OURS to be ONLY OURS. Essentially, both sides of the selfish coin at the same time.
BF was with his ex for 13 years total, and she cheated numerous times. He never cheated ONCE. Not even a kiss, even though he had every right to. So yes, monogamy is a choice you make every single day.
I don't pass on maxing out charge cards because I want integrity; I don't charge a ton of stuff because I don't have the money.
I order what I want in a restaurant. Its probably not going to be the plate of pasta and 1000 calorie dessert because that's not my thing, but if that's what I want, I'll have it. There's always the gym, which I do because it makes me feel good, not because I value living a strict life.
I get where you're coming from, but these comparisons don't correlate to sex, for me, nor does your overall life view.
If its important to you to use your integrity to overcome temptations, then by all means do it. But that doesn't sound fun.
I'm pretty sure I get one life, and I'm not going to spend it denying myself enjoyment where I want it.
Editing to add: What fallout? That makes the assumption there will be dishonesty. Dishonesty is something far more hurtful to me than my partner wanting to have sex with someone else.
The fallout would be loss of my spouse and potentially breaking up my family. I intend to marry someone who holds similar values to mine, therefore if I were to commit infidelity I'd be running the risk of the marriage ending in divorce.
I understand what you're saying. But obviously you would have a partner who has similar beliefs to yours, including your views on monagamy/fidelity. If you're both on the same page about the topic then there wouldn't be any fallout.
I use the term "integrity" as an explanation for why I wouldn't do certain things because it's what keeps me from giving into something in the moment that will have repercussions I'm not comfortable with later.
I think people are all different and what will work for one person/couple may not work for others. For some people-monogamy just won't work, for others an open marriage would never work.
I think there are ways to have variety without sleeping with other people. Maybe it is harder work to stay with one person, but I think it is worth it. Other people may not agree. As long as everyone is open and honest-do what works for you. No need to look down on other people's choice on monogamy or not just because it wouldn't work for you.
I sense that that abiding commitments, standing for integrity and values of a monogamous relationship by two people is the long narrow road in this world now days.
I think our society in general makes it uber easy to lust, minimize intimacy and marriages. I can't go one day without seeing a seductive magazine cover, sexy clothing attire, news article with explicit graphic messages, sexy tv commercials and so on...no wonder why it does not feel natural to have only one partner.
I have my weak moments and it is a proactive struggle that I deal with daily as that is life so I turn to my Faith to encourage and guide me in this crazy world. It just feels like either go with the flow or go against the flow.
I realize for myself, the more relationships I have had the more complicated the next one is (Comparison, baggage and history factor) so I am trying to be super picky who I date going forward.
I think monogamy is realistic with the right person. I think that when both people are in a relationship and they have all of their needs met that they won't need or want to go anywhere else. Granted, I know that there are always exceptions to the rule but I think that most people would prefer to be in a committed relationship to one person.
I think it does take integrity to overcome temptations when it's for a greater good, and that's important to me. Sure it would be fun to act on my impulses without regard for anyone else, because you're right, life is short. But the level of commitment I require from my husband doesn't afford me that luxury. Is it always fun? Of course not, but It's a trade off I'm willing to make in order to have something I value more.
In America, yes, monogamy is the cultural norm. It is by no means universal.
Seriously, people. Sex at Dawn is a fascinating read, regardless of your personal feelings on monogamy. Pick it up.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I do think more women cheat. This in no way is a representative sample, but I've had girlfriends whom I suspect have had transgressions. Not that it's any of my business of course, but it's interesting to hear them claim men are cheaters while pretending to be virtuous.
I think it is more natural for some people rather than others. GOZF referred to her jealous streak, I don't know if that is what I would call my feelings, but I naturally am a very loyal person. You might say it was nurture rather than nature, but I have NEVER felt comfortable dating around or sleeping with multiple people, even when single. My friends, siblings and even my mother were very free during their single years. (Meaning they dated a lot of people and had more sexual partners than I ever have. All are in committed relationships now.)
I think for some it is harder than others, but if you make a commitment and you break it, than you are wrong. If you feel like you can't be loyal to one person then don't make that commitment.
I have never felt tempted to cheat on a partner, ever. When I was single I never slept with a person that I was not in an exclusive relationship with. Only one of my sex partners was not a long term BF, though we were dating exclusively. I do not feel that it is society that makes me act this way, it is just how I feel. When I am in a relationship I feel very free sexually, so I am not a prude... I am just wired for monogamy. I know there are men who are not cheaters and I will hold out for one.
It sounds like you make a lot of assumptions about your friends. How lucky they are!
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Friends I've HAD; past tense, as in sorority sisters from back in the day. You also don't have a clue what those assumptions were based on.