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Depressed
I haven't used this screen name in forever, as I have a new one for TN/TB, but I have to post somewhere. I'm scared I'll be flamed, but I have to post somewhere, if for no other reason than to just get it out.
Everyone thinks I have it all--a job I love and am good at, a "perfect" family (husband, a boy, and a girl--how cute), a nice house and car, etc.
From the outside everything looks so great. And honestly, everything SHOULD be great. I SHOULD be happy.
But I'm not. 
I can't seem to communicate to anyone around me how bad I am feeling, how down I am. I'm too big of a chicken to ever act upon my thoughts, but that hasn't stopped me from imagining what life would be like for everyone else if I were dead. Trying to picture my funeral and how people would react. How my husband and children would go on without me.
This isn't the first time I've felt this way--but it's been many years since I last did. In fact, the last time I did was before I met my DH. And although I've had minor bouts of depression since we've been married, it's been nothing like this. And I'm struggling to convey how serious I am. How serious this is.
I have the # for a counselor but I can't muster the strength to call. I want help, but at the same time, I hate the whole process of finding the "right" counselor and all the effort it takes to tear these concrete walls down.
I just don't know what to do, so I've resorted to posting anynonymously on a message board to people out in nowhere just so that I can feel better. And do I? No, not really, but I need to say it to someone...
Re: Depressed
I wish I could say something that would magically make it easier for you to follow through on what I'm going to say next. But I can't. You just have to do it anyway. And that's this:
Tell your husband.
Click me, click me!
I can't. I just can't.
Or well, I can. And I did. And I do. But it's not getting through. He's not dumb, but maybe in denial? Like, "These are just thoughts, it's been a bad day, etc." I don't think he realizes his brushing me off is making it worse. Like I'm crazier than I think. I've tried to tell him but it's not coming out right. In fact, we kinda bickered over it. He knows I've been suicidal before, he and I started dating a few months after I hit rock bottom. So he hasn't really experienced that side of me--ok he's experienced me being "down" and while this isn't rock bottom, it's pretty far down.
I'm scared. I'm a chicken. I don't know. I'm scared of feeling this way, of being this way, of the reality of admitting this is going on inside of me.
You may not feel all right now, but you are all right AS A PERSON. Please remember this.
If it's not sinking in with your H, reach out to a close trusted friend or family member, or even your doctor. Even your gynecologist knows how to deal with depression.
It's OK to be scared. It's OK to ask for help. It's OK to need other people sometimes. We all do. You can do this.
Lurker coming out to offer support. It took a lot of guts for you to come out and write what you were feeling, even if you did it anonymously, you deserve credit for that. It is terrifying to admit. You can do this, you really can. I have struggled with depression for years. I am in a much better place now, but years ago, I struggled with suicidal thoughts and cutting. It was the scariest thing to go to my parents and tell them about it, but my mom was wonderful, nonjudgmental, and she immediately swung into action arranging for me to get the help I needed. It made getting the help so much less overwhelming because someone was taking care of the "hard" stuff for me, and all I had to do was show up. Is there someone in your life like that? As a pp mentioned: a friend, doctor, even a pastor (if you go to church). If there is nobody you feel you can lean on, there may be local crisis centers in your area that you can just walk into and tell them you are feeling unsafe and they will help you usually for little to no cost.
I got teary eyed reading your post, and I don't even know you. I have no doubt it would be unbearable for your family to lose you. Maybe if it is truly too scary for you to say it, you could print out your post and give it to someone. Please be safe, feel free to pm me if you need to talk.
ETA: If you felt comfortable sharing your county and state, perhaps some of us could help you out looking for some resources in your area like the crisis centers I mentioned. (Feel free to ignore me if this is a stupid suggestion or out of line.) I was just thinking of us taking on some of the hard stuff for you.
I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.
I just want to remind you that there is NOTHING wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with needing help from other people sometimes. If your husband is having a hard time understanding everything that you're feeling, then there are plenty of other people who are trained to help you. Any doctor you go to will be able to start you down the path of feeling better.
You are worth the effort it will take to get yourself happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. You are definitely not crazy for feeling like this, and you are not alone.
Ditto Fuss. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Are you in individual counseling? I had similar thoughts as you when I was in a very depressed state and reaching out to a third party made it a little easier for me to talk about how I felt. It was a safe place for me to express my feelings.
Depression is an illness the same way purely physical illnesses are. It's ok to be scared to admit you have it and scared to start treatment, but you have to. If for no one else than for your kids. As someone who lost a Mom I can tell you that no child should have to go through that, especially not at such a young age.
If your husband isn't getting it, either tell him you need him to help you get into therapy, or reach out to a friend or family member who will. When I was depressed I told a good friend who basically forced me into therapy. Once I was there it was such a relief and I started feeling better pretty quickly, but that first step of going seemed really scary. I think because I felt all this pressure to be perfect, to be ok, to be grateful for the good life I had, that admitting I was not ok and needed help felt like a failure. In retrospect I am so so glad I went. I had also been prone to depression my entire life and have been a much happier person ever since.
Maybe now that you've told us, it will be easier to tell someone else.
You have to tell someone. If you can't make that call on your own, let someone help you.
Are you me? Haha, j/k. But this was me 10 years ago. I actually did a week of outpatient day therapy program after being told I had to leave my college because I was cutting so badly that I was a threat to myself. Unfortunately, I cried out for YEARS to people trying to explain what was going on inside of me, and nobody took the bait. It took 2 trips to the ER over 60 hours for someone to get the hint.
Of course, that was all 8 months before DH even came into my life, and by that time I was well into my recovery.
Anyway, I'm still here. Still alive. Still feeling so down. This morning as we were doing what we always do in the morning--rushing around trying to get ourselves ready and the kids ready and out the door on time--I briefly mentioned to him again how badly I feel. And he said to me, "Why? What's wrong? When you have all this, what's wrong?" (hard to convey emotion, but his tone was concerned). He e-mailed me this morning asking if I wanted to talk about it. Obviously I do, I just am not sure I want to talk to HIM about it. If that makes sense.
I am carrying so much inside of me--and it's old stuff and stupid stuff. I hate that things that happened to me (and not even huge major events but things that bothered me or upset me) 10 or 15 years ago still have the power to knock me over, shake up my mood, and make me feel like they JUST happened.
Anyone who knows the musical Chicago, I feel like Mr. Cellophane. That's the perfect description for how I feel...
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
He's reaching out to you. He cares.
You have to talk to someone. You know that this in passing while we are busy stuff is not enough. You need a quiet time with no kids around. You need to come up with a strategy to get through this.
If it's not H, who would you prefer it to be?
He does care, but it's a little too much. Like he told me in his e-mail this morning, "I really hope that you are feeling better, and that I can make you thoroughly happy in your life!" OK not too much, but I replied back to him that it isn't his job to make me thoroughly happy. Maybe it's the depression talking, but it annoyed me, him thinking he can just do something and it will be all better.
I am so confused. I even confuse myself, not knowing what i want. I just want to go away. Or to have this all go away.
This is a common misconception of people who have never gone through depression. They think there is something they can do to fix it for you. Obviously, this is not possible and yes it can be frustrating, but he has good intentions and that is something. Use the fact that he wants to help you and tell him what he CAN do to help. He loves you. He wants to support you. Let him.
"Honey, thank you for caring. This is something that I ultimately need to deal with on my own, but I am going to need some help getting through it. I am having trouble finding a therapist- I have this number and I know that I need to make the call, but I just can't seem to do it. Will you dial for me and hand me the phone please?" Ask him to go with you to your first appt if you need the support. Whatever you need. He is offering, but he doesn't know how to help you if you don't tell him what he can do. If it's truly nothing, fine, but I don't believe that. I think you are on the verge of asking for help, but you are maybe not quite there yet. Just do it. It will be a relief afterwards.
And, if it's not your H that you reach out to right now, choose someone else. You have to talk to someone.
Muddled is very wise in her words.
It makes me so sad that you were ignored for years when you kept trying to reach out and it makes sense that you would have more anxiety about doing so now. That first step is the hardest to take. It does get better.
I know everyone keeps saying this, but I think it can't be said enough that dealing with this illness does not somehow make you less of a person. You are so hard on yourself and you keep beating yourself up because you think you should feel a certain way. You are entitled to how you feel and just because other people have it worse doesn't mean you aren't entitled to your feelings.
This may be a sucktastic analogy, but it's all I have right now: 2 women are raped, one is beaten and all the violence she experienced is visible, the other bears no visible bruises or evidence. Would you tell the one without bruises that she shouldn't feel as bad because she wasn't beaten? Of course not, they were both violated in a horrific way, and are entitled to feel that way. Allow yourself to feel however you are feeling without the guilt of feeling that way.
K now you're just freaking me out, because your analogy hits very close to home with my "before DH" self.
I'm planning on calling our insurance company to get a referral for therapy. That's step #1. I know calling the therapist and making an appointment is the big step, but I'm taking a baby step. And I'm here posting.
Although I can't help but wonder--why do you all care? Who am I to be cared about?
Why shouldn't we care?
Baby steps are still steps.
I don't know, but I appreciate you (and others) taking the time to respond to me.
Not only did I call for an authorization #, but I also called the counselor whose name I have been carrying around for over a year. I had to leave a message.
Baby steps.
I don't want to feel this way any more. I want to feel something BESIDES sadness and frustration and anger and jealousy.
You made the call! That's huge. Huge. Way to go! That first step is the hardest.
I hope you get a call back tomorrow first thing.
Do you journal at all?
Do you know how amazing you are? You did, overnight, what it takes people years to do. Good for you! I think you are going to be just fine. Along with Muddled's suggestion of journaling, I have found that exercise is critical in managing my depression. I also like to do volunteer work. (I highly recommend working with animals, they don't ask too many questions and give you unconditional love.) Hopefully, you will find something that works for you.
Btw,I wanted to add it is ok to need medication. There is no shame in that, and sometimes it takes a bit to find the right one, so if you go that route, don't get discouraged. I really wish you all the best, please keep us updated and let us know how you're doing.