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another s/o kids...
For those that know they don't want kids, or come to a point of realizing you probably won't have them, how did you come to that decision?
Here's my dilemma. I've always thought I wanted kids. But, when I start thinking about what all would be involved, I start to realize it may never happen. I have a very low tolerance to debt (but have student loan and car debt which stresses me out) and I'm extremely concerned about being financially secure before kids would even become a possibility. That in itself will be about 4 years or more. And also, I want to be able to enjoy my new relationship (whenever it happens) a while before adding extra stuff to it. By that point I'd be older than I ideally would like to have kids by.
The other side is I want to travel and have things and that costs money - money that I wouldn't have for a very long time if I have kids. This is a very selfish thing to say, but it's the truth and an option I would have if I have no kids.
And another side note, I'm completely ok with dating a guy with kids. And am also curious if that would be enough - just having those kids in my life.
I know that either decision - kids or no kids - is perfectly ok and normal. I'm just curious what everyone's thoughts are on it.
Sorry for the rambling. It's a topic that I wonder about all the time and some co-workers and I were talking at lunch about it and it got me thinking.
Re: another s/o kids...
Before I had DS, you couldn't get me to hold a baby or even babysit. I didn't hate kids, more of being afraid of them instead. Since I had DS, my world and perspective change and he is seriously the best thing ever that happened to me and I didn't know certain joy existed. Knowing this, I wish I had more. I hope to have more, even if it they are kids of a future SO.
I still value being financially secure and even more so now that he is here because I wouldn't want him to miss out or go hungry so ds motivates me to be even better at money. I don't find money being harder to handle, it balance out somehow... such as I don't eat out as much(I find it easier with kids at home) and money goes to activities out instead. It just channeled a little differently. I actually went on more vacations to like Hawaii after having ds because I am learning to enjoy life by watching my son. I think ds reminded me how to dream and have fun again. I am still me and still hang out with my friends but not as often. I don't miss it because I know my time with my child is temporarily and I will have a lot of me time later. I truly enjoy spending time with ds.
But either road you choose, I don't think you can go wrong as long as you listen to yourself and let your guts direct you. I just don't think we can control life too much but rather make the most out of what is given to us.
I had a similar situation as KUUS. My Mom had a day care in the house from the time I was 7 through high school. I don't like the screaming and crying, arguing etc...
I love kids and I am good with them, I don't want any of my own.
I *thought* I might want them, but I had goals in my life I want to achieve, such as a full Ironman next year and even more after that and I want to travel without having to lug a car seat around, etc... And the icing on the cake is how I felt when I had a mc back in Jan. I totally freaked out that I was PG. I have never been so scared in my life. Since then, my attitude towards having kids went from maybe, to never.... I even asked my Mom if she cared if I had kids or not.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Thanks! I think you are probably right...I remember a couple posts that you have made with similar feelings. I will definitely send you an email later! (I can't send from work...personal email is blocked)
First, deciding not to have a child is not selfish. Having a child takes a lot of work and patience and money and, and, and. It's certainly not for everyone. And I think if you know this is where you stand on it, it isn't selfish, it's looking out for the well being a a future kid (that you may or may not truly want). I see way too many parents who obviously didn't want to have a kid -- they seem annoyed all the time by their own child, they don't discipline them, etc. The kids really suffer and that sucks for that kid. And the ones I am thinking of had the kids because it was "expected" or "what they were supposed to do next." A kid isn't a check box on the list of to-dos in life. It is a choice. And I think people who have a kid they don't want because it is expected instead of going against the grain and saying they are choosing not to have a child are the ones being selfish.
Second, you say your financial security is at least 4 years away. I was thinking this too for a while when I was on my own. I didn't look for someone who made a big income as a criteria for my life partner, I just wanted someone with a career and goals. In my situation, that ended up including a good income. When I moved in with bf, my household income tripled. I was able to pay off my debt from the divorce very quickly and and very financially secure now. It isn't because he paid for these things. It is because my bills were chopped in half and that money went to debt. Now planning to marry bf and talking about having a child together, I know I will be financially secure when that happens. I guess I am trying to say that in regard to this point, keep doing what you are doing (living within your means, paying off the little debt you do have), but know that your financial picture can change very rapidly for the better when you least expect it.
Good luck with whatever decision you make on the kid front. But please don't think you are selfish for not having a child. And this comes from someone who has a child, loves kids and wants another.
I could have written this word-for-word, except substitute swimming for ballet.
Plus, my sister wants a whole basketball team, so I figure I can always borrow one or more of her kids for a day if I need to remind myself why I don't want children.
I have just never had the desire to have kids. I am extremely selfish I like being financially secure and well rested.
This! Definitely. I do know that IF I do have a kid it will only be if my hypothetical future husband REALLY wants one, and plans to be an equal parent. I would not be happy if he didn't help out and wasn't an active dad.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks AK!! You always give great advice, and articulate your point(s) very well. And, the fact that anything could change at any moment is something I just need to remember because its so easy to get caught up in the right now and get all stressed.
The other thing I must remember is I don't have to make a decision right now. I just had a very in depth conversation about it yesterday and whenever I start thinking about it, my anxiety level rises dramatically. Thanks ladies for your feedback and opinions! I really appreciate it!
I don't dislike kids, but I have never had the desire to have any of my own. I also know myself well enough to realize that I probably wouldn't make a good parent.
ITA. I also think that people don't discuss it in the nitty gritty day to day details. Or maybe some have baby fever so bad and think that the details will just work themselves out? I own my own business, and it is a fantasy job for many folks. When I try to tell them about the parts of it that aren't so fun or romantic, some literally shut down and get petulant about it.
But, it is still a worry of mine. I see so many smart, driven women post these types of rants that it still concerns me. Did they all fall under "it's what you do" trap?