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****. I need some advice (NPCER)
I'll try to make this concise. My grandpa, in his 80s, has a house on the other side of the country. He hasn't been there in over a year since my grandma died, and he needs and wants to go back out. He can't make the trip by himself (he thinks he can but he can't - he can barely walk and would have trouble navigating security, the airport, etc.). All of his kids are "too busy" (despite the fact that none of them have regular jobs or small children at home but I digress...). I love my grandpa and he has done a lot for me over the years, so I want to help him. H and I are taking the baby and going with him next week.
Well I just found out/realized that he should NOT be driving. He was apparently pulled over recently and the officer thought he was drunk because of the way he was driving - ended up giving him like 5 citations because he was doing a crapload of dangerous things and nearly caused an accident.
He has a car out there and he is going to want to drive. I am NOT comfortable with him driving at all, and certainly not with my child in the car. However, I have no clue how to tell him "no grandpa, I'm not getting in the car with you." He will be extremely offended and probably get angry and will almost certainly not agree to let one of us drive instead.
Any advice or suggestions on how to deal with this?
Re: ****. I need some advice (NPCER)
No, I don't, unfortunately. But maybe being "offended" and getting pissed will be the beginning of a wake-up call that he needs to hear.
What's going to happen once you leave? He'll get in his car every day and take it out. He will most likely cause an accident at some point. I think he needs to have it really thrown in his face that someone (you), who loves him and cares about him, has a problem w/ what he's doing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is a real tough one. When my grandpa was like this, we had to take the car away from the house. Taking the keys did not do it. My father told him the car needed x service and he would handle that and removed the car. His health got a lot worse so we did not have to deal with the why it was taking so long etc. because he got too bad off.
I would suggest saying that the car needs service as it has been so long since it was driven and make sure it is a service period longer than your visit.
This is a great idea.
For the trip out I would try to say something along the lines of the car needs servicing as well (because it probably does!) and get it out of there. You'll have the keys to your rental car and tell him that due to insurance he's not allowed to drive the rental (if that's what you are using).
For back home, make sure he has no access to a car and arrange for a taxi/car service to take him anywhere he wants to go (provide him a number to call to go whenever/wherever) and have the bill sent to you. My mom has done this with my Grandpa. It took awhile for him to buy in but eventually he did and he loves it. Everyone is much safer...
Uh, no advice but lots and lots of sympathy. H's family went thru this with his step-grandmother. She got in the car to go to the corner Walgreens, got confused by construction, and ended up over 100 miles away. She was finally pulled over by the cops because she was weaving across traffic, up onto the sidewalk, hazards on, etc. When the family tried doing an intervention it didn't go well. To the point where her husband said "G, what if you had hit and killed a child?" she replied "Well, that child would be happy cause they'd be in heaven with Jesus."
That was the beginning of the end for them, really. Shiit just went downhill from there.
So... I agree with the people who are suggesting with the path of least resistance. Get the car into the shop for service for the entire time you'll be out there and retain control of the keys to the rental car.
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if the "service" lie doesn't work (it's brilliant, BTW), tell him the car seat doesn't fit in his car and use a rental that only you and DH are allowed to drive.
hugs to you. it took my grandmother hitting a restaurant to get her to stop driving. not easy at all.
I agree with the "maintenance" story, that's what my Dad did with my grandma and we just never gave her back the keys/car but used it to pick her up and drive her around.
It wasn't easy but after a few weeks to cool off she accepted that Dad was right and she didn't need to be driving.
If this is a visit i think you can use the maintanence thing to avoid the issue then address it once your home and remove any vehicle he has there.
I definitely think it needs to be discussed but honestly this trip is probably going to be emotional enough for both of you that I wouldn't want to get into and would just avoid letting him drive until you're back home.
No advice that hasn't already been given, just hugs. My sister's BFF went through something similar recently with her dad, and it took him being arrested for reckless driving (after he drove over road spikes b/c he was oblivious to the multiple police cars with lights/sirens blaring attempting to pull him over) and her having to do whatever she needed to do as his POA to have his license revoked. I really hope he doesn't make this too difficult for you guys...any more difficult than it "needs" to be I guess.