s/o race - awkward parenting question

tartaruga · April 2012

Speaking of answering difficult questions to your kids, I was in this situation recently and had no idea how to handle it.

We were at the doctor's office and there was a girl in the waiting room, probably in her teens, who had some sort of disorder or something because she was twitching severely and making noises. SST looked at her for a minute and asked me (loudly of course) "Mommy, what's she doing?" I had no idea what to say so I tried to just say "I don't know sweetie. Hey look, it's a Clifford book! Let's read it!" It worked for a couple minutes, then she asked me again. I said something like "I don't know, maybe she's not feeling well. Let's read another book!"

Any ideas on how to handle that better? She's only 3 1/2.

EastCoastBride · April 2012

OMG. I was in chick-fil-a Tuesday and there was a much older boy (15 or 16) who clearly had some issues and was talking oddly. I saw DS look over at him and I was thinking "Oh, boy, please don't ask me about him. I dont' know what to say!".

So, I'm no help to you. Just want you to know you aren't alone! Hoping that others can give us some ideas.

hindsight's_a_biotch · April 2012

I probably would have said, "I'm not sure honey but it makes people feel bad when you talk about them and not to them. Why don't you say hi?"

I feel that it gets the message across that it's rude to stare or comment but also that they are a normal person and nothing to be afraid of.

renatari · April 2012

Sounds like maybe the little girl had Tourette's. I'm not a parent so I may not be great help either but I had to explain stuff like this when I was teaching. When I had 1st graders, I had 2 students with autism who got "pushed in" for literacy and 1 student with Tourette's. For little ones, the first reaction is always to ask (loudly, lol) and maybe even giggle b/c they don't get it. I found the easiest way to explain was with children's literature & a discussion later. Here's a list of books:

Children's Books about Disabilities

I think this is a good article: Teaching Your Child about Peers w/ Special Needs

Again, I'm not a parent yet so I'm not really sure how I will handle it but this was the most effective way in the classroom.

lovehorses · April 2012

It's hard because the "polite societal" thing to do is not make light of people's differences but children don't know that.

I try to be open about subjects like this because I've worked with kids with various amount of disabilities. What I was taught (and I think works well) was that there are two approaches:

1.) Try to quietly emphasize that every single person is different and may look different or act different ect. Don't make a big deal about it and move on from there.

2.) The other approach is to actually confront the parent(s) and let your kid ask nicely about the other child. You'll actually be surprised that a lot of parents are willing to talk about their child.

For example, the other day DD saw a baby with a medical helmet on. We were literally a foot away and DD asked very loudly what was on the baby's head. The mom definitely heard her and looked over. After the agonizing two seconds of embarrassment, I told DD to ask the mom. The mom explained that the baby's head needed help from the helmet to make her head more round. I told DD that people need different things to make them feel better. DD then gave the baby a hug and said she loved the stickers on it. The mom and I both smiled.

#2 can be tricky because it flies in the face of how every person would react to their kid pointing at another person, but in my experience I can usually judge if the parent looks super angry about it or willing to open up.

HTH :-)

MrsAxilla · April 2012

hindsight's_a_biotch:

I probably would have said, "I'm not sure honey but it makes people feel bad when you talk about them and not to them. Why don't you say hi?"

I feel that it gets the message across that it's rude to stare or comment but also that they are a normal person and nothing to be afraid of.

This is why you're a better parent than me. Nicely (hypothetically) done.

cookiemdough · April 2012

I like the #2 option, although I can imagine that would be harder.

Jaylea · April 2012

HAB has the absolute right answer.

I was completely mortified in a Target once, when DD asked, loudly "What's wrong with his face?" She was referring to a boy with Down Syndrome in the cart behind us. I thought I might die. My response was "There's nothing wrong with him, he's a boy who is shopping with his mom." Fortunately the mom and kid didn't hear.

When we moved farther out of earshot we had a talk about how it's not polite to ask what it wrong with people, and that when she has questions she should ask quietly, because it would hurt his feelings if he had heard her.

As it turns out - she was asking about his freckles, not the DS.

the_jackpot · April 2012

I would have told her that I am not sure but everyone is different but all of us don't like people to stare at us. So let's keep it moving.

s/o race - awkward parenting question

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