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s/o: Money talks
In one of the threads below, someone said that she wouldn't consider dating anyone who made less money than she did. How about you?
For me, this isn't an issue. Wait, that's not true. It's a huge issue, as in I have a big problem with this mindset. I think it's classist and greedy and opportunistic. As long as a potential partner is a hard worker and is self-sufficient, I don't care how much money he or she makes. I don't expect anyone to take care of me, and I am floored that people think this way.
My boyfriend doesn't make what I do. (And it's not like I'm rolling in it.) You know how much impact this bears on our relationship? Zero. None at all. He's not a mooch, we take turns treating on dates, the gift-giving exchange is equal. We don't live together, but if we did, our individual expenses would lessen by quite a bit, which would mean we could save to prepare for long-term things, like a house or a family.
I just really cannot comprehend that a paycheck could be a determining factor in deciding upon a date, as long as the person functions as an independent adult.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Re: s/o: Money talks
Who said that in what post? Curious... And I'm guessing if that is your mindset you probably don't make much money!
If that was a limiting factor for me I would pretty much have no dates. ha ha I really don't care, but I'm not poor. Maybe if I was poor I would think differently.
Also, how exactly do you find this information out before you date someone? Ask to see their tax return?
Also also, that reminds me 2 funny stories: once on a first date a guy asked me if I "make good money". I just said "yea" and he said "Like $10 an hour?"
I heard a story from someone that on first date the guy asked her how much money she made so they could spit the check pro rata based on their incomes!
Money is not a factor unless he makes no money at all. I don't have the financial capacity to take care of anyone else besides my son and I.
I won't date a guy who has no inspirations, goals or dream though. Sometimes that is very telling from his financial state. It just depends.
ETA: To clarify more per Black Kitty response. I think everyone has different view of what dating consists of. Dating to me is not the initial stage and dating means only trying it out with a guy without looking at others.
NYG&P said it, buried in with everything else in that post.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Unless he was completely impoverished, I don't know how I'd even know. I haven't had that discussion early on in a relationship, and I think if I did, I'd be incredibly turned off by someone bragging about making big money.
XH made less than I did, and I didn't care. But I get that different things are important to other people, I guess.
I don't know how much BF makes, I could probably find out though since he's in the Coast Guard. I think it's safe to say he makes more than me because he gets a stipend for housing expenses (since he doesn't live in CG housing).
That being said, I care a lot more about worth ethic, drive, ambition, goals than I do about a paycheck. I hate the mindset where women get swept off their feet by a man who wines and dines them and throws money around. I've seen this a lot in my area and not only is it an unnattractive quality in a man (at least to me) it says a lot about the woman as well. Someone who goes for a man like that is obviously in the relationship for all the wrong reasons.
I think that the best relationships are the ones where BOTH people contribute and work equally at things. And this goes for finances as well.
ha ha ha, I wouldn't exactly call what she "does" dating
I have to add... if I later find out the guy has some serious debts...that one is a biggie for me this late in life for me. 20's 30's... still have time to do clean-up.. but if a man is in his 40's or older.. it would be a deal breaker for me or he has to do a lot of clean-up before marriage. I feel like I have to protect myself and my son financially.
I had a 60k debt after my 1st divorce and paid every single penny back the hard way and myself. Since then, I have zero tolerance for debts (with the exception of mortgage). I worked 120 hours a week to pay that debt off with low income. (I was a live-in roommate for a person with disability while having a day job in Human Resource) and those years were just pure hard work and lonely and I never want to go through that again.
As long as the guy makes enough money to sustain his lifestyle then I am fine with him. A guy can make a ton of money, but if he has a ton of debt and lives beyond his means, then that's just as bad as making no money at all.
I care more about ambition than I do about actual income. Plus, while I'm by no means rich, my income is above average for the area I live in, so I'd be cutting out a whole lot of guys if I insisted that they make more than me.
Yes, I also have to add that I think someone throwing money around really sends off warning bells in my head because of XH. He constantly lived beyond his means and still does with no concept of money management. Our finances were fairly separate so I wasn't privvy to a lot of the information until he lost his job. It was at that point in time when I discovered how far in debt he was.
When we divorced he hadn't even paid off my $9K e-ring. I ended up giving it back to his mom because she said she was still paying on the balance on HER CC.
Get ready to flame.
Up until about a year or so ago, I never really cared. And then I dated Stalker Guy for 4 months. Now, I don't make much myself, a little over $$33k/yr. but he made less than me by at least 25%. If you're doing the math, that would be roughly $11/hr. I ALWAYS ended up paying for more, and struggling myself, it got old really fast. He also had no ambition to further himself to make more. He was actually proud that he could support himself. And he couldn't even afford health insurance.
I could not deal for long.
J makes about double what I do, but he has child support for 2 kids and drives a lot for his job, so he spends on gas each month the equivalent to 2 weeks of my take home pay. He pays for about 75% of what we do, and it's kind of hard for him to let me take care of the rest. He feels uncomfortable, but he's coming around.
When the guy you're dating cant afford health insurance and lives on Ramen Noodles, it's a sure sign he'll never be able to afford diapers or vacations.
This sums up exactly how I feel.
I don't think your bolded statement is true. Maybe for some folks, but not all. It sounds like your ex completely lacked ambition -- and that's lousy. I can see where that sucked. But despite your personal experience, I disagree with the above generalization.
ETA: Also, a lot of people can't afford health insurance. It's a shame, but it's not something I judge. A lot of jobs don't offer it, and getting it privately is incredibly expensive. That's another thing that's not a deal-breaker for me. I'm fortunate to have insurance. Good insurance. My BF does not. It doesn't affect me at all, and it doesn't make him less of an adult.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I don't care if the make more than me or less than me as long as they work hard and are motivated... well there is one more thing. Steady, reliable work.
My last BF was a welder and while I was "ok" with it... I wasn't secure with it. In the almost 7 months we were together he was laid off twice and not because he was a bad worker, but because there was just no work for him to do and he was low man on the totem pole. I will admit it scared me that this would be a pattern should we have been together longer as well.
However it was not a deciding factor in our break-up.
If they made less money I would be ok, but it would need to be close to my paycheck honestly. Flame away of you want.
I used to say that paycheck didn't bother me. My XH is making the most he has ever made right now. I still make 2.5x as much as he does. At one point we had friends living with us to help make ends meet. I was the only one with a steady job and decent paycheck. Yet, they got to go out all the time while I was at work. I began to resent them and XH.
6 months after we were married, I got laid off. The stress and worry from how to make ends meet pushed me over the edge and my bipolar disorder got worse. XH "looked for a job" if you call pining for one job and then essentially giving up when he didn't get it looking. He finally got an okay job when I found out I was pregnant. Luckily I was temping at a company that eventually hired me on, even at 7 months pregnant.
I do not like feeling like I am supporting someone who is supposed to be my partner. As long as the job and income were decent (I.e. he/she is living on their own and shows financial stability) then it is not an issue. But I am not going down that road again that I did with XH.
I make pretty good money- not a ton, but enough that I'd be eliminating a lot of guys if I was only looking for someone who made more. It wouldn't bother me to date someone who made less money, but it would bother me if HE was at all insecure about it.
The only way I've ever known what someone makes off the bat is if we meet on Match and they list it in their profile. I don't think the actual amount matters as much to me as how they handle their finances. If they don't have debt and are responsible with their money then it doesn't have to be as much as I make. For instance, if I meet a guy who is a teacher I know I probably make more money than he does. But if said guy lives in a decent place, drives a decent car and has enough to be able to travel and have a little fun, I'm ok with that. On the other hand take my recent ex, who made more than me on paper but got paid once a month and was broke 3 weeks into every month because he couldn't manage his money, well it didn't really matter that I made less, because I was the only one who always had money.
A guy doesn't have to make more than me, but there is a certain lifestyle that I like, that I can support for myself, and that I would like my SO to be part of. So, he's going to have to make enough to go out to dinner a couple times a month, go on vacation from time to time, live in a decent section of town, etc.
I think big income differences can sometimes lead to resentment one way or another, too. BF makes about 30% more than me at the moment, but I'm just starting my career and he's halfway or more through his, so who knows how that will play out eventually.
I am not sure what the BF makes... from what I gather it is more than me, but I have no idea.
If he doesn't make as much as I do, I know he has a lot more saved up!
With that said, I obviously don't care how much my SO makes, there are more important things in life than their salary.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I don't think I would date a guy who couldn't support himself (barring some sort of exigent circumstances like he just graduated college or was very sick for a while and just getting back on his feet). The amount of money wouldn't matter, more being self sufficient.
I think whether or not this is a reasonable mindset depends on, well, the reasoning.
I'd have a hard time dating someone that made less than I do. I took a fairly crap position in order to get my foot in the door at a company, and also due to being unemployed and in a crappy job market.
I don't need someone to make a ton of money, but I do want them to have goals and a grown-up mindset about career and being able to spend on things like vacations.
My ex was the opposite, and I'm not going there again.
I'll admit. I wouldn't want to date someone who make less money than I did. My ex-husband always made less then I did, and after a while he stopped trying to do more and just let me foot the bill. I do realize that this would not be the case with everyone who made less than me, but it left a bad impression on me and I refuse to support another grown man.
I did online dating and it was pretty easy to weed out the people who didn't fall into your income category or above, because that is a question on the profile. And you could tell the ones who lied. Like the one who claimed to be in the $75K - $100K category, but his "job" was volunteering as a choir director at church while he applied to the police academy and lived with he ex-wife still because they were still friends and financially that was a better arrangement. Um, for $75K, you could rent your own apartment.
I would, to a degree. My X made 3.5 time what I do, yet when I kicked his loser butt out he had something like 50k personal debt and nothing to show for himself.
My H has his own business, and at the moment he makes slightly less than I do (and I make alright money), and most likely I will make more then him for the next couple years.
However, my H has his brand new truck paid off (he saved up for it) and more in retirement and savings then my X made in a year. We didn't combine finances until we got married and I really didn't want to know about what he had in his savings prior to being married. I knew he didn't have any debt but I didn't know how good he was with money and investing, now I hope it rubs off on me!
I care more about what they do with their money then how much they actually make. In my opinon, there are certain things adults have to do in order to protect themselves from financial ruin: have a source of consistant and reliable revenue, a low debt-to-income ratio, have some sort of savings, pay bills on time, have health insurance, etc. I don't think I could date anyone for any length of time if they didn't demonstrate this kind of financial responsibility. I wouldn't mind sprining for expensive dinners and extravagant vacations, but I wouldn't pay someone else's medical bills if they failed to plan ahead.