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@deciding/compromising on the number of kids
BabyB is 9 months. If my Hhad his way, we would have 3 or 4 children. I want 2. I want 2 because I think we should just replace ourselves and I want to be able to pay for them to attend college. Plus, how much will it cost to fly with a bunch of kids? So many thoughts. I am actually surprised that he hasn't wavered on wanting 3 or more, given how financially savvy and frugal he is-I guess because he grew up as one of 7. Have you had to have this discussion with your spouse? How did you decide without feeling like you have to compromise? I told him I'd consider 3 if he could triple his salary ( I'd probably consider it if he could double it).
Re: @deciding/compromising on the number of kids
DH grew up one of seven as well so he's used to the big family thing. I already had one child coming into the marriage and I was OK with having one more. Financially, two in daycare wouldn't be feasible for us so no more than 2 kids for us (one is out of daycare already). DH would like more but it just can't happen right now and honestly I have already decided this is my last. Does he have a say? Yes, but I think he is OK with the decision for now seeing that we can't afford another anyway. It may change in a few years but by then I will feel like I am well past an age to feel comfortable having more kids.
CRAFTY ME
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It was probably his dream to have a lot of kids and he doesn't want to give up that dream just yet. I think it's way to soon to decide either way how it's all going to go. I think I'd just tell him to relax and stop planning out your lives all at once and just enjoy the here and now. Does he really have the same wants on flying everyone around and paying for their colleges as you do?
There is really not much point in my answering this due to my militancy on this issue, so I'm not much help on the compromising aspect of the question...
I think it's your body and your choice. I understand that kids/no kids and even single vs. multiple can be dealbreakers. But after that, I think that the person with the biggest involvement - the mom - gets the last say. If you want to provide a certain lifestyle to your kids and can't do it if you have more than 2, that is a great reason. But you really don't need one. Putting your body through pregnancy when you don't really want for a kid you're not sure you can afford is not something you should be pressured into because he wants a large family. The comprise between 2 and 4 is not really 3 because I don't think you "compromise" with a kid's life you weren't both 100% on board with. He got the experience of being a father to multiple kids - after that, I don't know what he gets out of it and I do know what it costs you in terms of your body, ability to make money in the future, costs for the rest of your lives, etc.
My answer changes if you had agreed to having a "large" family before. In that case I think you have to talk to him about why he really wants 3 or 4 and the repercussions that will have on your lives from now until retirement and beyond. I'd hope he has more reason than "I came from a large family and feel the need to replicate that." Once you know those reasons, you can work with it from there. Is money your only concern?
On another note, I'd caution you on considering the third if he could double his salary. It seems like that is on the low end of your comfort zone and jobs are not really guaranteed these days. If you want it, go for it, but if money is your major concern, I'd definitely stick to the high end of your comfort zone.
I'd wait until you both see what life is like with two kids before you decide whether to stop there or have more. It might be easier than you think it will be to manage two, or it might be a helluva lot harder than he thinks it's going to be.
I wanted 3, and DH was on board with 3 until our son was close to a year old. Then he changed his mind. We went back and forth on a third child until last summer, in which we came to the "Jewels to Jewels" agreement: I would give up a third child and he could have the vasectomy he wanted, and in return, he would replace my wedding set with fancy rings of my choosing with big-ass diamonds. The cost of my new rings = less than the cost of raising a third child, and diamonds are a lot less work, so he agreed.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
I would take it one kid at a time. He may feel differently after he parents two kids.
I thought I was one and done and H very much wanted two. We sort of tabled the discussion to every 6 months and eventual I felt neutral enough that we went for #2. I am happy we did. But it helped not to have any pressure as I was getting to that point.
Even though it wasn't the case for us, I think if there can't be a resolution then the person who wants less kids wins.
We're kind of going through this now. I possibly want another, DH not really. We've agreed to readdress the issue when Natalie turns 2.
At the end of the day, though, I know if DH isn't open to it, then we're done at two. Kids aren't something you can compromise on, IMO.
FWIW, I was sure I'd be done at 2 (and wasn't even sure I was up for a 2nd after the first year with my 1st). Then we had #2, and it was an entirely different experience (partly because I had far more confidence in my abilities, and partly because Natalie didn't have colic like Mar!!). So I would try not to expend too much energy on these worries now.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
I'm on your side, for all the reasons you mentioned (day care, school, college, number of seats in my car, being able to visit family and go on vacation, not needing a 4000 square foot house...). I'd be good with 1-2. Husband would be good with 2-3. We'll probably go with 2, if things go well. I'm really not down with 3. I'll do my best to convince him to be one and done.
Also, we're not going to TTC until I'm 32ish and he's 39-40ish, and I want our kids to be 3-4 years apart, so it sort of limits our reproductive options.
Interestingly, I grew up in a family of 2 kids and he grew up in a family of 3 kids, so you can see that we both gravitate towards what we are used to. I will say that my mom was an only child and hated it, and wanted like 4 kids, but my dad talked her down.
I imagine in large families you get used to it. Financially, you make it work. If you're the 5th out of 7, you're used to having hand-me-downs, not going out to eat, and eating whatever is served at dinner, because no one is going to make you something else if you don't like it. I think I was used to having more individual attention, more one-on-one time with my parents, more time and money devoted to my education and activities. And that's what I want for my own children. Nothing wrong with doing it another way, though.
ETA: H used to lean towards the "well, if we have two of the same sex, we could have another." Which... you know, is no guarantee that you'll get one of the opposite sex. Also, when I was younger, I always felt like I wanted a daughter someday, but I really can't say I care either way now. Two boys, two girls, one of each - I'm fine with any scenario.
40/112
When we got together, SO and I both agreed, we didn't want any kids. Then - surprise!
Now my feelings have changed, and I wouldn't mind another, maybe a year, 18 months down the road. I asked SO how he felt, and he could really go either way.
So, I'm mostly just trying to keep an open mind. We could be financially unable to support a second child, I may be unable to have another child (I'm 32 now), etc.
I agree about taking it one kid at a time. We're lucky in that we have very similar logic, and we're both very practical people, so we come to the same place with decisions like this 99% of the time, once we talk it out.
When we were young and dumb and love sick, we talked a lot about 3. Then we settled into this happy little life and wondered if we wanted to upend it at all. That's when I stopped thinking I could know what I would want in the future.
We've been checking in with each other through pregnancy, childbirth, and newbornhood, and I think we're just starting to see why anyone would even fathom doing this to themselves again, so I'm probably not much help there
Now that DD is 2.5+, every night after she goes to sleep we lament about how big she is now and all the funny, "big girl" stuff she is doing now. Even though she isn't even potty trained yet, she is trying and doing so many things, gets so much of what we are saying, etc.
We can't afford daycare for 2 kids right now anyway, so its sort of a useless subject to bring up until costs go down or income goes up. DH is on the one-and-done side, but EVERY one of his friends is having #2 right now and he is getting more nostalgic like me. DD LOVES babies, so there is that too, lol.
We could very well have 2 kids 4 year apart or more. I really want a 2nd one, but I couldn't have one right now anyway, so that stops me from holding DH to blame (some). I'd rather have a bigger gap like that then no #2 at all - and its gotta be easier to have only 1 kid in highschool, college, etc., at a time.
Also, we really NEED this break right now for our marriage and health and everything else. I'm still catching up on projects I put off before DD and know I wouldn't get to for another 2 years if I was pg right now. Have I mentioned the sleep?! I'm loving the normal sleep we've gotten this past year+.
I think you just have an ongoing conversation about why you prefer 2 and get him to talk about wanting more then discuss the realities (financial, time, activities, trips, etc.)
Ultimately I think the one who wants fewer kids wins.
It makes me sad because DH wants 2 and I'd love 3 but it's not fair to push someone into having a kid they don't really want.
We have a let's have #2 and then see how we feel agreement at the moment mainly because I could change my mind or he could after #2 so I'd rather not make a hard and fast decision just yet.