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Some unbiased advice please...(long)
Hi,
This is my first post on this board. My husband and I have been having problems with our relationship since the baby was born in September. I have lots of support from family and friends and am also in counseling...but I just want some unbiased opinions. My family is starting to hate my husband so I feel like I cannot talk to them about our situation anymore. There are so many things wrong:
I cannot stand my mother in law anymore and I know he hates it. When the baby was 2 weeks old - so we hadn't even been home 2 weeks, she cried to my husband that she was not going to be in the baby's life because I didn't return a phone call that day. I had 3rd degree tears, couldn't even sit without a cushion under my butt, was having problems breastfeeding, plus my husband works 3rd shift so not only was I alone at night, but also on my own half of the day while he slept. He attacked me and said how dare I hurt his mother...that was the first time he brought up divorce. She has pushed my buttons since I got pregnant by touching me without asking and other things that just show she is selfish and has no barriers.
Since then he has seems to pull away emotionally, there is no physical intimacy and he struggles to even hug me. The only consistent thing he tells me is I stress him out and he doesn't like me. He closes up any time I try to talk about our relationship or how I am feeling, he said it makes him feel uncomfortable. So I try to not say anything the inevitably I will blow up because I am holding everything in...I am trying really hard to not let this happen but it does.
We are both in therapy individually since he wanted to stop couples counseling...we were having fights after the 3 sessions we had together. He tells me he wants to work it out but he barely speaks to me. When he does he tells me things like he is not attracted to me, I lift weights like a grandma (I am trying really hard to lose the rest of my baby weight). He has said he is immune to my tears because I cry all the time - which I do a lot, I am heartbroken and confused...I feel like his actions do not match what he is saying.
He has enjoyed running the past several years and now he is trying to get people together to run on Saturday mornings after he gets off work around 6am - one person is a 21 year old single girl (he is 32)- he is still in school and met her in a class in his program, which is exercise science. He has been texting her and it really bothers me. I am hurt he wants to make time for this person and get to know her, while he doesn't seem to want much to do with me. He doesn't know I am looking through his texts and emails - and I feel completely terrible doing it, but I want to protect myself from any other hurt. He says he can have female friends, but I just feel this is the wrong time to seek out new relationships with women, I think he is playing with fire. I know he will get mad if I say anything and I have absolutely no proof anything else is happening.
Before the baby was born we were solid, I never had any doubts in our relationship and trusted him completely. I married him because we had fun together, I felt like I could be myself around him. How would you react in my situation, are my feelings justified, am I just crazy? Is it appropriate for a 32 year old married man who is having trouble in his marriage to initiate a friendship with a 21 year old single girl? I am just not sure what kind of action to take and how to handle myself. I still want to save my marriage and he says he does too, so I am trying to believe him.
Re: Some unbiased advice please...(long)
If he refuses to participate in couple's counseling, it's hard to see a path forward for a good relationship.
I'm sorry, but it takes two, and your H shows time and again that he's not there in this marriage.
I think you should listen to your family members' concerns, even if they're hard to hear. You have your therapist for support, so that's good. I'll bet you're going to need it.
Ugh the things he is saying to you are awful. I don't cry easily and that would definitely make me cry! And to threaten divorce over not returning a phone call within 24 hours? He's a jerk and he is putting everyone else ahead of you.
Back to couples counseling.
I have only been a few times by myself so far. He has not always been like this, something changed with him when the baby was born...I think he is having a hard time accepting responsibility as an adult. He was sexually abused as a young child (multiple times), emotionally abused as an adolescent by a step father and lived with an alcoholic father as a teen. I am not trying to give him excuses, but I think this is a reason for his behavior. I want to be there for him, but I am starting to wonder if this situation will ever improve. I am seeing my counselor again next week...we have a lot to talk about...
Your husband has checked out of the marriage. His actions makes this clear. Get your financial affairs in order and get out.
Don't believe him when he says he wants to save the marriage, bc he doesn't. And regardless of if he is cheating, His actions are not that of a man who wants to fix a marriage.
The real question is, how long are you prepared to be miserable for before you decide you're better than this?
Sounds to me like he has already checked out of the marriage.
If he isn't willing to go to couples counseling I don't see this getting any better.
His past may be his his past, but you are making excuses for him. There are people who have been through similar -- and worse -- who have taken responsibility for themselves and do not act like this and are good partners and parents.
It's up to him to be an adult, whether it's dealing with his past, treating you with respect, or being a good father.
He's 0 for 3 there, you realize.
Get another husband.
This dude treats you like shiit, belittles you, is practically useless at home, and favors his mother over you. And on top of that, he's making googly eyes at some young skank? I think not.
Click me, click me!
I'm with HS on this. It doesn't appear he has any redeeming qualities.
Right now no...he used to treat me differently. I just don't get the sudden shift. He has always worked 2 jobs (both part time) and gone to school and been happy. Suddenly it was too much and his personality changed. He used to be happy (despite working and going to school), he was affectionate, he wanted to spend time with me and made me feel like he care. I just don't get it.
I appreciate brutal honesty...I have felt like he has checked out but it has been hard for me to step back and look at everything to make a decision. And it is hard accepting that. I have stayed because I have had hope he will get help and be the person I married again.
Right now is all that matters. You can't stay in a marriage where he treats you like garbage in the hopes that maybe one day with enough work on your part, he'll change.
Assume he ain't changing, not no way, not no how.
Now, proceed.
Key word.
You are aware that most people put on a good front in the beginning of the relationship, that their true colors emerge once they know you aren't leaving easily?
Yeah.
Click me, click me!
OP, I am really sorry this is happening to you. He's treating you terribly and I'm sure you must feel very confused and scared, especially with a new baby.
My husband is also an abuse survivor. I recognize the challenges that can come with that history. We've had them too.
But my husband owned those problems as his problems. He never tried to put them on me. He never let them impact our daughter. He dealt with it, he went to counseling, we went to couple's counseling and he worked hard to be able to be a better father and husband for our family.
Your husband isn't treating you with respect and love. He isn't a partner for you in your marriage, your life or parenting from the sound of it. You deserve so much better than that.
Please continue with counseling and focus on yourself. You can be happy and satisfied in life. You probably can't be happy and satisfied in this life, the one you're living right this second, but you can change it to be something you can be happy with, for you and your son.
Best of luck to you both.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Is it appropriate for a 32 year old married man who is having trouble in his marriage to initiate a friendship with a 21 year old single girl?
With all the other issues in your marriage you are worried about this?
This says it all!
Sounds to me like becoming a parents has stirred up all kinds of stuff for him and instead of dealing with any of it, he has chosen to go elsewhere looking for "fun" and make you and your child where he is channeling his bad feelings. I'm sorry you have to deal with this fall out.... but if he is checked out.... not sure there is anything to save.
I think you deserve an answer from him whether he wants it to work out or not. If not, you've got to move on...for the sake of that child! They deserve a happy mommy... not one on eggshells.
Oh, really: YOU aren't feeling up to snuff and for a very good reason --- but you're in the wrong here:
I had 3rd degree tears, couldn't even sit without a cushion under my butt, was having problems breastfeeding, plus my husband works 3rd shift so not only was I alone at night, but also on my own half of the day while he slept. He attacked me and said how dare I hurt his mother...that was the first time he brought up divorce.
He ought to thank his lucky stars you didn't kick him out of that house bodily after this donnybrook.
And he's the one hollaring divorce....really?
There is so much wrong here with your H that I can't even begin --- he won't stand by you as a partner, he didn't give 2 sh!ts that you are pulling the load alone and to boot, you were doing it with 3rd degree tears and he is taking his mother's side and not yours.
And by no means should he be having a "friendship" with anybody in an inappropriate manner: Something could be fishy here or maybe not -- but my spidey sense tells me that it might be a fishy relationship.
You and he need much more than counseling. he also sounds pretty immature for a 32 year old male.
The 21 year old little miss sounds about on his maturily level. WTF? You lift weight like a grandma???
I can't figure out why you want to stay with this winner -- he says horrible things to you, there's no affection and he puts his mother first and not you. Rethink this character. There's nothing here to love.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
And conversely, instead of lambasting him and bodily throwing him out of that house, you could have very gladly taken him up on his offer of divorce.
Your husband is a bully, and what he's doing is emotional abuse. Do you have family or a friend you can stay with for a while? I know it's not ideal with a baby but it would probably be for the best, at least while you decide whether your marriage is worth saving. The other option would be for him to move out, although it doesn't sound like he would agree to that.
If he agrees to go back to couples counselling then you might have a shot. If he carries on treating you this way then honestly, I would lay it all out on the table, divorce and all.
Honestly though, I would be long gone by now.
If you suggest counseling, he has to go with no questions asked. If he will not willingly do it, forget it. There's not a snowball's chance in hades that this marriage can be saved.
There's nothing here to save. He's been like this since the baby's been born? It also looks to me like he's decided fatherhood isn't for him and he's already checked out of the marriage.
And this hot mess with his siding with his mother instead of putting you first has likely been the biggest problem of all and been a big problem since early on in your relationship. When you saw that he couldn't stand up to her, you should have moved on there and then. A guy who can't stand up to his mother is no adult and a guy who cannot put his wife first no questions asked is no man at all.