Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Cheating or not? (really long!)
Ok, so my boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and 4 months. Well, a week and 2 or 3 days ago I went through his phone's pictures and saw that he had taken a lot of pictures of his genitals...I also then remembered seeing a few of pictures on MY laptop that he had deleted when I asked him about them. He'd said they were for me.... Which now makes me feel stupid and wonder why I didn't think further into it then!
After I went through the pictures on his phone, I got curious and looked at his sent messages and inbox. There was nothing weird in the inbox but he had emailed himself a lot of the pictures of himself! And I noticed a strange email account I'd NEVER heard of before hungyoungstud69@---------.com.
Well, then I went snooping again. I first got on his REAL email account and there was nothing too fishy, I didn't think. So I checked out the other account and that's when I found EVERYTHING.. (It wasn't hard to get into his accounts since I know just about everything about him and could answer the security Q and already knew his real account password)... He has been posting dirty pictures of himself on CRAIGSLIST and asking for anything he could get in return! The whole time we've been together and apparently starting way before we even met.
Well there was no proof about him physically cheating, since he was using a fake name and didn't give out any personal information but I still feel really hurt. I just don't understand why he would make it even seem like he wanted to meet with these women when he could have simply asked for nothing more than pictures (if that was all he really wanted). He says he has a porn addiction and he knows it and has been trying to stop.....since we became official. I also don't understand why he couldn't have just looked at porn websites (because he KNOWS that I'm fine with that and watch stuff occasionally too). Maybe he wanted to feel better about his "area" and getting women to respond to pictures of it felt good??? That's the only thing I can think of. But why did he have to do this? I mean does he just like talking dirty or getting talked dirty to??
I was depressed and crying for 3 days straight about it. We have talked a million times about it and he deleted the fake account. We even sat down in the shower, me between his legs, so he could give me a back rub. And we cried together because I felt so bad. He says he feels horrible, embarrassed and like a POS....and that he promises to never do it again.
I felt like maybe I had done something that drove him to it all but we've always had a GREAT sex life. The longest we ever went without sex was 4 weeks while I was in Hawaii as a gift for graduating. Usually we would have sex 5 or 6 times a week, or every other day, and depending on the day 2 or 3 times. Sounds like any fella's dream sex life right? I thought so...
So I waited 3 days after finding the account and confronting him about it and talking to him about it over and over again before having sex with him again (was planning on A LOT longer than that but felt like it could help the situation). I asked if he liked piercings down there on women because one woman had sent him those types of pictures that he had replied to with remarks about jerking off...and I asked if he wanted to try anal (for the 2nd time) because a woman had sent him a video of that that he had talked about "walking around with precum in his boxers" to.....I feel so pathetic....
And obviously I STILL can't get seem to get over it. And he's tired of talking about it. We talked about it yesterday and he cried some more for hurting me, but we also got into another huge fight about similar things.
Last night we watched a movie and there was an unfaithful wife in it and he said that sort of thing made him sick to his stomach, along with rape scenes (he doesn't consider the fake account cheating AT ALL). And I told him some things and asked him some Qs.
I asked "what did you change your (real) email password to?" and he told me an answer that made sense.... Well, I decided to see and it turns out he had lied!!! *side note: there were SOME bad emails and pictures on his real email account but all REALLY old and there was also a lot of emails from websites like AdultCR.com and Ashley Madison (stuff he said was "spam"). But I'm not stupid, I knew it wasn't just spam, they were telling him about his accounts on their sites SexMan1990 and women in the AdultChatRoom that wanted to talk and crap like that. But apparently they were all old things from before we even met and the sites cost money to use and also cost money to delete so basically he's stuck getting emails from them forever.....
Anyway, I just don't know how to feel about all of this. It's so hard for me and I'm only 5 days from my due date now! 
Help? Advice??
Help? Advice??
Re: Cheating or not? (really long!)
If he is talking sexually to anyone other than you, it's cheating. No ifs, and, or buts about it. He shouldn't even feel the need to do that. With how you described your sex life, why would he even want to go elsewhere?
If I were you, I'd be gone. You won't ever be able to truly live your life with him if you're constantly wondering if this or that is going on. You don't even know if the fake account he made and then deleted is the only one he has because you didn't know about it until you searched.
My ex did that to me back when people actually used MySpace, but he was emailing girls with cleavage saying that it turned him on and stuff. I confronted him about it, he claimed that he was just trolling, but his attraction to cleavage carried over to our relationship, so I shouldn't have believed it. We broke up four years later, 4 months before our wedding.
I can't tell you what to do in your relationship, obviously, but you need to determine if you could ever move on from this and truly believe that he has stopped. If he has an addiction to it without seeking professional help, he will probably continue to do it, but be sneakier about it.
As far as the deleting of the money sucking account, for god's sake, save up if you can't afford it outright to get it deleted. That is a bad excuse for not deleting the account.
You're pregnant and he's doing this to you. This is just another red flag that he doesn't care about you enough to quit even when you're pregnant.
How much is it to delete the account?
He is a skeezeball and you should seriously consider DTMFA.
If he hasn't physically cheated yet, he's going to. He's crying because he knows you'll feel sorry for him and forgive him. And he's already got new accounts, with passwords you can't guess.
Also how old are the two of you?
Why don't you re-read the entire novel you wrote and ask yourself if you should still be with this person. You'll never be able to trust him. You can't be with someone longterm that you don't trust.
And look what it's done to your self esteem. You're actually mulling over whether you should get vaginal piercing so he won't want other women. It has nothing to do with you. Any kind of new pvssy turns him on. Piercings, anal, whatever it is, when it's addiction, it's never enough and you're never going to be enough..
There are plenty of guys without this problem. Find one.
Agreed. In no way should you be looking for ways to reward this infidelity by trying to make him happier.
If you are pregnant or just had a baby, I'm going to suggest laying off of the piercings...
But yes, it sounds like he is a skeezy lying liar who is cheating or at least intends to.
I'm going to disagree with pretty much everyone on here--I don't think that these activities necessarily mean he's going to physically cheat on you. You asked why he might be doing this instead of just looking at porn, and I'd like to offer a possible explanation. I have a feeling your guy is a little bit of an exhibitionist. I think it probably turns him on to show his junk to other women, and it turns him on even more (obviously) when they respond in kind. Therefore, I don't think what he's even looking for is outside physical contact--it's just a titillation that he can't get from you because you're not a stranger. You could try to channel the impulse by hooking up in public or something like that. Just try not to get arrested!
That said, it IS worrisome that he's hiding it and lying about it. Obviously, what he's done has made you suspicious and sad, and rightly so. You definitely should take some time to rebuild your trust, and he should be doing everything he can to convince you of his trustworthiness (which it doesn't sound like he is at the moment). However, I think you should be aware that this may be something he can't be fully sexually satisfied without. If it comes down to that, you need to be prepared for it. There are two options in that case. Either you can try to be okay with it--which, I think, is actually a viable option. In an honest context, it could be relatively harmless, especially if he never meets these women. Or, if you can't be okay with it--which is perfectly understandable too--you should probably be prepared to leave.
Good luck!!!!
Oh yes, YOU should change because your BF is a lying liar who lies. YOU should do things you aren't comfortable with so he won't turn to this. Awesome advice. <---sarcasm.
Last night we watched a movie and there was an unfaithful wife in it and he said that sort of thing made him sick to his stomach, along with rape scenes (he doesn't consider the fake account cheating AT ALL).
What does this have to do with anything??
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
You need to stop.
Go back to your bridge
This might be the worst advice I've ever seen on here.
OP, you don't seem like this type of behavior is making you happy. This is not your thing, and that's OK. You aren't married to this guy. There are plenty of other guys out there. Move on. There is no reason to settle for someone who maybe-not-really-but-kinda-cheated on you. No reason.
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
Oh geez, and now I look at Trissa/OPs avatar and it looks like she's had a kid, presumably with this dude. Well, so maybe there's reason to not leave tonight, but still....this guy is not the end all be all, and your kid needs stable happy parents more than anything, and that might be best achieved by not continuing this relationship.
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
OP, his behavior is not ok. If you have to ask yourself if it's "cheating or not", it is. You deserve better than that.
Any relationship where you always have to be questioning or spying on your partner, in order to know the truth, is not a healthy relationship. In order for a relationship to be healthy you have to have complete trust, and also to be able to communicate.
I agree that he probably isn't cheating, but temptation could quickly take over.