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My mom, not his
So my MIL who has not even healed from surgery and isn't on solids was going to be made to host the holiday. Given her multitude of other health issues, I was not going to let this happen. I didn't want to see anything happen. If she wants to let people walk all over her like this by Thanksgiving or Christmas, fine, but at least at that point she'll be on solids and healed.
So I have a lot going on and shouldn't be hosting, but I am as a temporary fix to an awful situation. I am working full-time, in school, taking care of a house and barely home due to the circumstances I've mentioned w/ my fam. The other night my mom calls about the menu. I'm doing french toast souffle, a sausage/egg bake, a ham, hash browns, a yogurt parfait, a spinach/mozz/tomato salad and toast w/ mimosas and coffee/ soda. My MIL/Mom are bringing a fruit tray, a veggie tray, cheese platter and a cake for my bro in laws bday. To me, this is enough food.
My mom gets into a screaming match w/ me on the phone b/c she says I am not "feeding people enough." And that I am a "control freak" b/c I won't add bagels and crossaints onto my menu. I should mention that 11/12 people attending are diabetic and while these recipes are light, many of the options aren't exactly low-carb, so I was trying to avoid very buttery fatty carbs like crossiants and very carby foods like bagels. She says to me that I am a 'control freak' because I don't offer enough food and I don't let everyone bring every item they want that day, and that if she wakes up wanting bagels, bagels should be on my table, even if she has to bring them. Meanwhile, I am just trying not to stick too many temptations in front of already sick people. Am I really that wrong?
Re: My mom, not his
I get why you want to be helpful, but you're stressing yourself out by trying to take care of everyone.
These people are all adults, and they can take care of themselves, whether you believe it or not. It was your MIL's choice to have surgery, your parents' choice to allow your sister and BF to stay with them, your in-laws' choice of how to spend their own money, your MIL's choice to offer to host Easter, and your guests' choice of what to eat or bring with them.
You're taking it upon yourself to tell them that they don't know how to run their own lives. You can have whatever opinions you want about their lives, but it's not your job or your right to give them your approval. You're even planning your menu based on what YOU want these people to eat. It's not your life. Butt out.
You're generous to help out, but your mother has a point - you sound very controlling and judgemental. If your mother wants to bring bagels, then for fucck's sake LET HER. Bagels are not a battle worth fighting.
I agree with pp.
I think your menu sounds delicious, but if your Mom wants to bring bagels then let her. Who givesashit? At the end of the day it just isn't a battle worth fighting.
I guess when you look at it, it does seem petty. I just wish someone could say, hey thanks for doing this, and just live with it. For whatever reason the menu I plan never seems to be 'enough' for these people. I feel like I could be serving her caviar off of a gold plate and my mother would STILL have a suggestion for me, and I guess I'm a little tired of her suggestions. Perhaps if she didn't cater to my sister and her addictions, I wouldn't be doing this to begin with. And I was thinking that having a bagel staring my MIL in the face is not a nice thing to do.
I guess when you have an alcoholic in the family, people will often try not to serve alcohol in front of the person to avoid temptation. But when you have people with a health condition/food addiction, people don't seem to be so caring. I'm just worried for her.
so there it is-the martyr bit. ' I wouldn't have to do this if they didn't cater to sister and addictions'. wrong. you CHOOSE to do this. you don't HAVE To do anything.
here's the facts. your mother has always done this. why are you surprised she's doing the same thing she's always done? why do you continue to entertain her? why do you continue to fight with her about something as stupid as bagels?!! really?! just let her bring them already. your MIL is an adult and can say no. i realize why you think it's a good idea not to have them but i dont think this is abotu just bagels. it's clearly about your feeling that your mother always feels your get togethers aren't good enough. let her bring the freaking bagels! i totally get that you feel undermined but by choosing to do this meal you are essetially bringing it on yourself. you have a choice-take it all on or dont.
you could always jsut tell her to shove it and not come if she's going to act that way.......
#1. If you get frustrated that they're not appreciative, then why do you keep doing things for them?
#2. WTF does your sister have to do with this? NOTHING.
Originally, I was a bit offended by this post, but I agree with you. It's not about the bagels. That's what I ended up telling her that night on the phone, and I ended up telling her that she could come and just be happy to have a place to go, or that she and my father could go out to dinner and I'd see them another time.
Control-freak or not, I guess I just see a lot of my friends at work do holidays and for doing them, generally people come to the holiday and say, "hey thanks, this was nice," whereas I am usually greeted with the fact that it is never enough for some people. What this really should have been a post about is the fact that I just feel like when I am invited to someone's house, I ask what I can bring, bring it, thank them, and am just thankful for somewhere to go, rather than critique how they did it.
I told my MIL and Mom that they are on their own for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and that if they don't host it, we don't plan to come. I guess there are some days when I just wish I had a family who was grateful rather than toxic to be around. This is from a long built-up feeling that it's just never good enough (i.e. one of my DH's aunts made fund of my side-dish at Christmas with her kids, snickering on the side, and my DH's other aunt made fun of the place cards at the table). I'm not afraid to be confrontational with these people, including my mother, when they are trying to insult me. And I think you're right, maybe they should just manage on their own. My MIL's relatives certainly are ready to let a handicapped person take over the holiday over a $12 meal out...
#2. WTF does your sister have to do with this? NOTHING.
I should have explained that I told my mom to shove it already about the bagels in the post. I told her if she wants them so badly, she can go to Dunkin Donuts that day (I know, sounds cruel) but this seems to be an issue with her at every holiday, that my menus aren't good enough and she always has "suggestions" ready for me.
A little backstory on my sister: my parents were doing the holiday, until she moved back into their house (for a lot of reasons) but mostly so that she wouldn't be homeless again due to her addictions. She was supposed to move out in December, then January, etc, you get it. She has basically trashed their basement and she kind of took over the rest of their house, to the point that they have told her they would evict her with the police by April 15th if she doesn't move. That's why they couldn't host and just wanted to go to dinner, which seemed to be an okay move to me. I was fine w/ an Easter lunch/brunch/dinner out. My MIL was too as well as my FIL and bro-in-law.
I do feel like they have catered to her, and the idea (which worked last year) was that each mom took a holiday, and I did too, thus splitting the entertaining evenly.
O.K., but you have to realize ... there is no "normal family." Everyone's family acts differently. And every family has at least one person like this. And not everyone will have the same attitude or manners or whatever that you have. You cannot hold other people to your own standards, and it's unfair of you to act like you're better than someone else. You're going to drive yourself nuts by constantly expecting people to act a certain way.
Also ... you cannot change people. Period. You either accept them for who they are, or you cut them from your life. You're wasting a lot of time and energy by complaining about your family. Either learn how to deal with them, or don't spend any more time with them.
Again, though ... THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!
This is between your parents and your sister. She might be a lazy mooch, but ultimately your parents are the ones to blame if they allow her to live with them and wreck their house. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. You are not responsible for them and it's not your job or your right to judge your sister. Just let it be and don't get involved. You're turning this into your personal problem when it has nothing to do with you.
You're trying too hard to accommodate everyone and maybe even be the hero here. Stop. If they offer you a plan, then either accept it or decline it. State what you are going to do and then don't run around trying to include everyone's plan or diet or preferences: "We are hosting dinner and you are welcome to come if you wish." "We are going out to dinner. If you want to come, let me know. If not then we'll see you another time." "We would prefer to stay home by ourselves this year." End of story. No further explanation, apologies, changes of plans.
Just set your plan and then stick to it, and if people want to complain then let them do it. It doesn't mean that you have to listen to it. You keep getting criticized because they know you're listening ... ignore it, and it'll stop, or you'll just start spending less and less time with toxic people. Win-win either way.
This is the vibe I got from your original post, and I happened to agree with you. My mom is a terrible guest, too. She ran every holiday for 30 years, every single one, so she's terrible now when she comes to my house. She makes demands about the menu and acts astonished and offended when I don't do it exactly as she wishes. And then yes, I get called the unreasonable one.
Posters gave you good advice about re-looking at this and I think you have a very good handle on the situation.
Still sucks.
Sorry, for you. I hope it ends-up great. I like your menu. And you're right about the bagels. (Although I am spiteful enough to buy exactly one, and serve it with her name on it.)
This is not the hill to die on. Let her bring her own damn bagels if she wants them.
ETA: if you don't want her to criticize just don't share. When she asks what you're having tell her not to worry about it, that you have it covered. Or that you haven't decided. Keep repeating. Some people like to criticize b.c. it makes them feel needed or special or whatever, just ignore.
LOL. The reason I host Thanksgiving is because I like the control. I don't let people bring main dishes (they bring wine or apps, which I don't care about) because I am a better cook than most of my family members, and I hate glazed carrots, which is someone's "signature dish" and I justw want to eat the food that I like.
The thing is, I admit it (that I like control over the menu, not that their cooking svcks!).
I agree that it's your house, you get to choose the menu. Tell your mom that if bagels are so important to her, she can host Easter at her home and have all the bagels she wants. I actually think telling you what to serve and picking at your menu is control-freaky of her.
On the other hand, you feel like you were "backed into a corner" regarding Easter. Don't feel that way. If you want to host, host. If you don't, make plans to go to dinner just you and DH if need be (ie: don't assume someone else is responsible for your Easter meal, or that you MUST get together with the whole family, or MIO or your parents or anyone). My mom always felt she "HAD" to host holidays b/c my aunt was lazy and wouldn't do it, and we HAD to have them to our house because it was in the center. She ended up being resentful and holidays were always a headache.
I always host Thanksgiving, but if there ever is a year when I want to go to the NYC parade - I'm going! Someone else can cook the d*mn bird! And because I feel that way, I enjoy hosting events at my home.