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Backhanded compliments...
Ok, so I have a quick rant...
My MIL in particular has been making statements lately and delivering backhanded compliments, and I know I shouldn't let them under my skin... but it's still upsetting. My hubs and I both work full-time. We recently bought a house, so we've curtailed our spending as much as possible (not that we were big spenders to begin with).
She tends to talk about how she simply marvels at how I have told her flat-out that we won't be having kids for a few years (none of her business to begin w/) and that when I do, I'll be returning to work. Because EVEN figuring in the costs of childcare, my job is worth returning to for benefits & salary. So she'll make a remark about how she stayed home b/c she "didn't want to pay anyone to raise her children."
First of all, I try to deflect these things by telling her I've told her all I will and it's a private decision between my husband and I, but she seems to find uncomfortable opportunities to bring this up at family gatherings, etc. Secondly, her situation was completely different- her husband owned a lucrative business and they bought their first home outright- no mortgage. So of course she could afford to stay at home.
Then I hosted Easter today. I spent the week prepping and yesterday cleaning and cooking ahead. I woke up at 7 am and cooked until people arrived and kept working at the meal until after people were seated and I served them. My husband helped me to plate the food because he is wonderful that way. I still was seated after him and eat more slowly, so when we started clearing plates, he started on the dishes. I decided after clearing plates to finish some more food, as I was still hungry, so I sat back down and finished my last few bites. In the one minute I sat down, she marveled to the crowd at the table aloud at how she couldn't believe a man was in my kitchen doing dishes, how her husband never does that, how he didn't learn that from her husband, etc.
They came off as compliments but were little jabs and just kept going. It ended with her husband rolling his eyes. I simply took it all in and said, "You're right. Your son is a treasure, and I am so happy that I have someone who knows how to share the work equally." Then we dropped it. I do cut her off like that...but is it ever frustrating to anyone else when this happens? Ugh, just needed to vent.
Re: Backhanded compliments...
I would just ignore and walk away. Say nothing. She's just trying to get a rise out of you. That's what I did and the ILs pretty much leave me alone now.
Ugh. Every time I hear stuff like this, I realize how much I take for granted that I have an awesome MIL. She was nothing but wonderful to me today, like pretty much always. And this is with me knowing that I can be an inconsiderate space case sometimes (especially lately) and forget to offer to take her coat and things like that.
I think you handled it really well. It's actually my own mother who "compliments" me like this, and I usually awkwardly change the subject. By "awkwardly," I mean "crickets for thirty seconds." High five to you for dealing with it so gracefully.
+SMACE+, I try to do that, or just reply calmly and succinctly. Unfortunately it often leads to insecurities (that get into my head) and DH and I will squabble a bit later on, with him having to reassure me. And he also rebuts her... but you're prob right.
Mamasaurus, thank you. I try to keep cool, b/c I don't want to give her the negative attention she's looking for (and then will play dumb about...lol). And it looks like you're expecting a new addition soon, so forgetting to hand a coat is hardly unforgivable-- kudos to you for hosting and/or attending the holiday. When we have kids and I'm that far along, I may be in bed eating my Cadbury eggs at Easter lol:)
Glad to hear that your husband is doing his part by telling her to knock it off. Honestly, I would either let it roll off my back or decide that I want to see her less often. I know a few people like your MIL, and with some of them, I take less offense because of the repore I have with them- with some, I just have to limit contact because it frustrates me.
Also, kudos on what you said about your husband- and I promise you, she IS the one who comes off looking like an azz.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
PPs are probably right about just letting it roll off your back. I am not that nice, though.
I would say, "H, you know, your mom is really really unpleasant for me to be around so I will not be spending so much time with her in the future."
eta- I would alsoquit talking to her about things that are none of her business.
There. I fixed it for you.
:-)
I love this! I might add "Nowadays, women are allowed to work and vote and everything!"
lol I was trying to be slightly more subtle, but that is the translation
Hi all,
I just got back on here and this really brought a smile to my face. I will definitely have to use a combination of what you've said on here the next time she starts in. I agree that I shouldn't talk to her about these things. I've banned them as private conversation topics between she and I and yet she seems to find every awkward opportunity to bring it up in a group, which is hard b/c I feel put on the spot.
A bit OT, but has anyone noticed after getting married that any time you dress in looser clothing, put on a few lbs, or refuse a drink, everyone assumes you're PG? My DH& I made no secret of the fact that we are in NO RUSH at all to have kids and that it will be YEARS without getting more specific, and yet I feel like whenever I see my fam they are sizing me up.... lol
Anywhoo, thanks for the laughs ladies! (And the advice!)