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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Dealing with difficult future in laws (really long)
I need help in dealing with my fiance's family and in particular her younger sister. I don't want to be detached or just nod at everything they say because I have to believe that there is a better way to find some common ground.
My relationship with my future in-laws took a turn for the worse this past Saturday. My fiance and I picked a location/date for our wedding that has been largely dictated/planned by her parents/younger sister. What I did to break the relationship was that I yelled and cursed at my future sister-in-law. The situation didn't call for that response. I was wrong and have apologized to her, my fiance and her family. I don?t think she accepted my apology but I have made a mess of things for my fianc?. I should have calmed down and handled this situation better but it is taking a toll on my fianc?. I love her and I want to work at this so I am looking at ways to get better at dealing with them and fitting into this family.
The incident is as follows: My future sister-in-law was driving my fianc? and me to her Aunt's house. The car was warm so I sent my window down and stuck my hand out of the window with a Hershey's kisses wrapper in it. My future sister-in-law started accusing me of littering stating that's disgusting and demanding that I send the window up in a commanding tone like I was a kid. Instead of bringing my hand in, I looked at her like in disbelief and left my hand out the window. She started to send the window up with my hand outside and I freaked out. I cursed her out saying "Don't tell me wtf to do...you are not my f******* mother..." Not once but more than a few times and I shouted it.
I messed up and made a mess out of the situation. My fianc? did not step in right away but waited until we got to her Aunt's house to ream me out in private. I didn't apologize until we got back to her parent's house. I talked to her dad first who was visible upset and concerned if I did this to his younger daughter would I do this to my future wife. I apologized to my future sister-in-law in person and through an email. I also apologized to my fianc? for putting her in this position. I don't want to come between a family. They've been together long before I came into the picture and she needs to maintain those relationships. I recognize my actions may have put a strain on it despite not be intentional. I would like some advice on how to fix this, deal with this family especially her younger sister. There was no sense of satisfaction that I stood up to a bully but I feel horrible for my actions.
A background about my fiance's family: she is 1 of 6 kids from two marriages. Her father is a diary farmer and is in his 70s while her mom just turned 52. She has 4 half-siblings and one younger full sister. The first set of kids is separated from the second by 20 yrs. I have a good relationship with the older siblings. I'm 28, my fianc? is 24 and her younger sister is 23. My future sister-in-law (23) is a highly motivated and competitive person. She graduated college and got her Masters at the same time my fianc? completed her degree. She is successful, hardworking, confident but lacks empathy for others especially if she deems that they have nothing to give her. She doesn't recognize that her words hold subtext and that she instigates drama by gossiping about everyone.
I'm from a different ethnic background--they are white and I am of East Indian descent born to a family from the Caribbean. I think our value systems are the same with the exception that I believe in my family we give and get respect but their family seems to rely on everyone giving them respect but not respecting others.
In my fianc??s family, the older siblings live 6hrs away while my fianc? and I currently live an hour away. I am finishing up my graduate work and we will be moving to new jobs/city in the fall. Her parents already see me as someone who kept their daughter from returning home after her masters and now as someone taking their daughter away to a ?farther off place" (we have no idea where yet). The younger sister despite have a good accounting job lives at home with her parents on the farm. I think the three of them feel like things are not the way they used to be and I have changed my fianc?. I think that my fianc? has become more confident and self-aware. She sticks up for herself and challenges her younger sister. During my observations at family dinner, it seems like bonding constitutes gossiping about other members in the family. The comments are almost always negative and it has only been a recent revelation to me that it?s so easy to tear people down rather than build them up. I know it is like the pot calling the kettle black when I am judging them and being negative at this very moment. At the dinner table if her sister makes a mean sarcastic remark to anyone (her grandmother, mother, myself, fianc?) everyone laughs but her parents don?t correct her. There is a limit to humor and meanness. She crosses that boundary all the time. The younger sister can say or do whatever she wants without any consequences.
Spending a night is not something I look forward to because of all the rules her sister employs. It is not welcoming and feels like we are unwanted houseguests or maybe it is just me that is unwanted. To keep the peace over the past four months I have complied to all ridiculous requests, whims and demands until this past Saturday.
My fianc? and I have been dating for over 3 ? years and been engaged for roughly a month. We?ve been planning our wedding and our initial idea of a small intimate ceremony/celebration has ballooned into a 150 of her family and 30-40 of my family and friends. Her parents have been very controlling. The guest list, location, time of food and alcohol. We talked about the budget but they?ve wanted to throw a 200 person wedding by contributing only $4,000-7,000.
There is another dynamic---money. My fianc? is a teacher and came out of school with over 50K in debt. I have tapped into my savings and ?loaned? her 22K since I had every intention of marrying her. We?ve gotten down her debt to a manageable 18K in just over a year. Her parents seem oblivious to her loans and at the end of her car lease wanted her to get a new car and add to her debt. I think they resent me for this as well because my fianc? and I decided that one car with one insurance would be more cost efficient considering that I have a 10min walk to work and she can use my car. Yes it is my car but she has used it like it was her own. More often than not when she visits home we go together but she has gone home without me in it. If it is for an extended period her mom picks her up so I can still use the car for groceries or whatever on weekends. I am a bit resentful that they wanted to help her with a car but not help her with her loans or education costs. That just seems out of norm in my family. Also, since I tapped into my savings for her loans I don?t feel comfortable having to contribute to a wedding for 150 people who I don't know.
Things that led up to my outburst. I am working really hard to complete my PhD, dealing with her parents? idea of a wedding, a sister that is unrelenting--never a nice thing to say, feeling like I am unwelcomed/taken advantage of---I exploded this Saturday. Another factor included my fianc? venting about her mom and dad pressuring her into decisions while her sister acted like a teenager teasing her. I am also beginning to feel like this is not our wedding but something being planned by her mom/sister. My outburst was wrong. How I handled it was wrong? I was an idiot and made a mistake. I don?t think they can empathize with my feelings or can put their feet in my shoes. Relationships take work but I may have brushed away all goodwill by my outburst. What do I do? How do I get better with assimilating into this family? Is this hopeless?
My relationship with my future in-laws took a turn for the worse this past Saturday. My fiance and I picked a location/date for our wedding that has been largely dictated/planned by her parents/younger sister. What I did to break the relationship was that I yelled and cursed at my future sister-in-law. The situation didn't call for that response. I was wrong and have apologized to her, my fiance and her family. I don?t think she accepted my apology but I have made a mess of things for my fianc?. I should have calmed down and handled this situation better but it is taking a toll on my fianc?. I love her and I want to work at this so I am looking at ways to get better at dealing with them and fitting into this family.
The incident is as follows: My future sister-in-law was driving my fianc? and me to her Aunt's house. The car was warm so I sent my window down and stuck my hand out of the window with a Hershey's kisses wrapper in it. My future sister-in-law started accusing me of littering stating that's disgusting and demanding that I send the window up in a commanding tone like I was a kid. Instead of bringing my hand in, I looked at her like in disbelief and left my hand out the window. She started to send the window up with my hand outside and I freaked out. I cursed her out saying "Don't tell me wtf to do...you are not my f******* mother..." Not once but more than a few times and I shouted it.
I messed up and made a mess out of the situation. My fianc? did not step in right away but waited until we got to her Aunt's house to ream me out in private. I didn't apologize until we got back to her parent's house. I talked to her dad first who was visible upset and concerned if I did this to his younger daughter would I do this to my future wife. I apologized to my future sister-in-law in person and through an email. I also apologized to my fianc? for putting her in this position. I don't want to come between a family. They've been together long before I came into the picture and she needs to maintain those relationships. I recognize my actions may have put a strain on it despite not be intentional. I would like some advice on how to fix this, deal with this family especially her younger sister. There was no sense of satisfaction that I stood up to a bully but I feel horrible for my actions.
A background about my fiance's family: she is 1 of 6 kids from two marriages. Her father is a diary farmer and is in his 70s while her mom just turned 52. She has 4 half-siblings and one younger full sister. The first set of kids is separated from the second by 20 yrs. I have a good relationship with the older siblings. I'm 28, my fianc? is 24 and her younger sister is 23. My future sister-in-law (23) is a highly motivated and competitive person. She graduated college and got her Masters at the same time my fianc? completed her degree. She is successful, hardworking, confident but lacks empathy for others especially if she deems that they have nothing to give her. She doesn't recognize that her words hold subtext and that she instigates drama by gossiping about everyone.
I'm from a different ethnic background--they are white and I am of East Indian descent born to a family from the Caribbean. I think our value systems are the same with the exception that I believe in my family we give and get respect but their family seems to rely on everyone giving them respect but not respecting others.
In my fianc??s family, the older siblings live 6hrs away while my fianc? and I currently live an hour away. I am finishing up my graduate work and we will be moving to new jobs/city in the fall. Her parents already see me as someone who kept their daughter from returning home after her masters and now as someone taking their daughter away to a ?farther off place" (we have no idea where yet). The younger sister despite have a good accounting job lives at home with her parents on the farm. I think the three of them feel like things are not the way they used to be and I have changed my fianc?. I think that my fianc? has become more confident and self-aware. She sticks up for herself and challenges her younger sister. During my observations at family dinner, it seems like bonding constitutes gossiping about other members in the family. The comments are almost always negative and it has only been a recent revelation to me that it?s so easy to tear people down rather than build them up. I know it is like the pot calling the kettle black when I am judging them and being negative at this very moment. At the dinner table if her sister makes a mean sarcastic remark to anyone (her grandmother, mother, myself, fianc?) everyone laughs but her parents don?t correct her. There is a limit to humor and meanness. She crosses that boundary all the time. The younger sister can say or do whatever she wants without any consequences.
Spending a night is not something I look forward to because of all the rules her sister employs. It is not welcoming and feels like we are unwanted houseguests or maybe it is just me that is unwanted. To keep the peace over the past four months I have complied to all ridiculous requests, whims and demands until this past Saturday.
My fianc? and I have been dating for over 3 ? years and been engaged for roughly a month. We?ve been planning our wedding and our initial idea of a small intimate ceremony/celebration has ballooned into a 150 of her family and 30-40 of my family and friends. Her parents have been very controlling. The guest list, location, time of food and alcohol. We talked about the budget but they?ve wanted to throw a 200 person wedding by contributing only $4,000-7,000.
There is another dynamic---money. My fianc? is a teacher and came out of school with over 50K in debt. I have tapped into my savings and ?loaned? her 22K since I had every intention of marrying her. We?ve gotten down her debt to a manageable 18K in just over a year. Her parents seem oblivious to her loans and at the end of her car lease wanted her to get a new car and add to her debt. I think they resent me for this as well because my fianc? and I decided that one car with one insurance would be more cost efficient considering that I have a 10min walk to work and she can use my car. Yes it is my car but she has used it like it was her own. More often than not when she visits home we go together but she has gone home without me in it. If it is for an extended period her mom picks her up so I can still use the car for groceries or whatever on weekends. I am a bit resentful that they wanted to help her with a car but not help her with her loans or education costs. That just seems out of norm in my family. Also, since I tapped into my savings for her loans I don?t feel comfortable having to contribute to a wedding for 150 people who I don't know.
Things that led up to my outburst. I am working really hard to complete my PhD, dealing with her parents? idea of a wedding, a sister that is unrelenting--never a nice thing to say, feeling like I am unwelcomed/taken advantage of---I exploded this Saturday. Another factor included my fianc? venting about her mom and dad pressuring her into decisions while her sister acted like a teenager teasing her. I am also beginning to feel like this is not our wedding but something being planned by her mom/sister. My outburst was wrong. How I handled it was wrong? I was an idiot and made a mistake. I don?t think they can empathize with my feelings or can put their feet in my shoes. Relationships take work but I may have brushed away all goodwill by my outburst. What do I do? How do I get better with assimilating into this family? Is this hopeless?
Re: Dealing with difficult future in laws (really long)
1. Couples Counseling
2. Elope
The outburst was really immature but you already know that and did the right thing by apologizing to everyone involved.
Have you thought about premarriage counselling? You don't need to have problems to do this but it's a great thing. It's a good way to talk to each other about family boundaries, about how you both deal with anger, money and all that fun stuff. It might be a good way to put everything on the table.
Does your FI want a big wedding and you don't or are you both in agreement over a small wedding? If you are in agreement then eloping like PP suggested, might not be such a bad idea. If not you might have to sit down and figure out what YOU guys can afford and bring that to the parents and let them know that this is the amount of people you can have. If they suggest more you'd have to let them know that it's just not in the budget. Your FI might have to stand up to them a little more when it comes to this too. It should be her dealing with her family and you dealing with yours when it comes to this stuff.
Besides that, be careful when you tell family.
and good luck
Seriously, who does this?
apparently you don't eitherI agree with pp about couples premarital counseling. H and I have different families and upbringings so it was very useful to start a dialog about that topic with a professional. Also you should discuss what kind of wedding you can afford with your FI. It's great if she wants to have 200 people attend but only if you can afford it. You need to be on the same page so I suggest you sit down and have a conversation about your concerns.
I'm glad you apologized to your future ILs about your overreaction to the window thing.
As far as the above quoted part -- if you're on the same page as far as the size of your wedding, you should do what the two of you want to do and not what her family wants. You're the ones footing the bill (mostly) and the day is about the two of you and no one else.
Her sister sounds impossible to deal with. My brother's ex wife sounds like that in a lot of ways, which is why she is now his ex. You can only do so much about her sister, but what you do have control over is the wedding. If I was in your position, I'd elope. Invite them to come to the small ceremony and if they choose not to, it's their loss, not yours.
Good luck and FWIW, I think you handled the aftermath quite well and if her sister and family won't accept your apologies, there is not much more you can do about it as long as you and you're soon to be wife are on the same page.
I feel your pain, in a sense. My husband and I come from two very different family types. Mine is close knit and almost in-your-face-personal at times while he's gone 5 years without talking to his own father before and never gave it a second thought.
It seems to me one of the biggest things that will continue to cause an issue, no matter how many times you apologize, what you compromise with, etc - is that neither you or your FI actually want the wedding that is being planned (as in, you don't want a big wedding and you don't feel in charge of decisions).
Personally, if I was your FI, I would have had a chat with both you and sister in regards to the blow out, and I would definitely stand my ground to have a wedding that I WANT. I had to do this a couple of times with my own family when we got married.
If the guest list exceeds the budget you have with the parents contributions, simply have a sit down with them and explain that the numbers just don't add up. Also point out that the more you are investing in your wedding, the less you have available to invest in other aspects of your future - house, kids, etc. Maybe this will sink in to them, maybe not.
Best tip I would give, talk to the FI and see what BOTH of you are comfortable doing then go from there, and good luck!
I totally agree with this.