Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Forgetful husband doesn't clean up
My husband has a tendency to forget about putting things away. Whether it's food from the refrigerator, coffee cups around the house, things left in the car, he just seems mentally incapable of completing the task. After 10 years this is REALLY annoying. I do not have the patience to do my chores and constantly clean up after him. I ask him how he thinks he might improve his memory and he gets upset with me. I politely point out that things were left in inappropriate places (hinting that he should clean it up) and nothing happens. I know I'm not perfect, but this has really reached the limit of what I can handle. How should I approach this with him?
Re: Forgetful husband doesn't clean up
If he doesn't have a medical issue (which might not be a bad idea to get a physical to rule out anything like that) then constant forgetfulness is irritating.
You've tried talking to him in an adult manner and he wants to get upset with you. At this point I would get a big rubber maid container and pile the stuff into it. You are not his maid and he is treating you like one. Did his mother wait on him hand and foot or something? Whatever he leaves out is going in that big container and then square in front of him when he gets home. "here honey, you left all this out. Please put it back and clean this bin." If he wants to leave it then just put it by the bed before he gets in. Basically keep reminding him with the pile of crap.
I normally don't endorse being a naggy wife, but for shyt's sake. Common cleanliness should not be sticking in a wife's craw for 10 years. That is just wrong. He needs to quit it.
I promise a week or two of that will cause him to magically remember. It worked for one of my church friends like a charm.
He's a big boy now and should pick up after himself. Though I am betting dollars to donuts that Mommy vacuumed under his arse well into his 20's.
Are the household chores just yours for some reason?
I would stop trying to "politely" point things out to him and be really REALLY direct a la "Husband, pick up your XYZ and put it away. You're not my child, I shouldnt have to tell you this..."
Further, he should be cleaning with you. I dont think thats too much to ask.
Put him to work.
So you put up with this for a decade.
It's going to be very difficult to get him to do what is only common sense to do.
And it's going to be doubly more difficult fof you to stop being this guy's chief cook and bottle washer.
No doubt he lived at home until he got married and no doubt his mother did everything for him....so you just picked up where she left off and did the same. Why?
You can:
Leave his mess where he leaves it. Leave his clothes where they are, etc --- when he needs clothes, tell him HE needs to do the wash. And then let it progress from there.
Or... you can take this guy into counseling and see if a counselor will whack some sense into this slob's head.
I can't figure out why a woman wants a guy who isn't self sufficient.
Sit him down and tell him he needs to clean up after himself.
Tell him the next time that he doesn't there will be SERIOUS consequences.
Then go sharpen the tines on four forks until they're all razor sharp and duct tape them to your fists, like Wolverine's claws from the xmen.
Hide somewhere near where he typically leaves a mess- i.e. the closet, under the bed, in a cupboard in the kitchen.
When he doesn't pick up the next mess he makes, leap out and punch him directly in the face with your punishment claws.
Repeat this as often as necessary. I guarantee you his picking-up habits will greatly improve.
I'm kinda dumbfounded that it took you 10 years to bring this up to him.
Here's a suggestion: stop being polite. Start standing up for yourself. I find the direct approach of "hey, pick up your shiit or I'm throwing it away" works rather well. And then back it up with action. Otherwise he'll just keep taking advantage of the fact that you'll pick up after him for another 10 years.
I'm guessing he's never actually seen any bad consequences from his inaction. If he leaves food out, let it spoil. If he leaves coffee cups lying around, don't wash them. Being that he's a capable adult, he'll learn some simple cause-and-effect soon enough. Well, other than "do what I want = my wife will pick up my slack".
This is, hands down, the best response to a lazy-husband-doesn't-clean-up-after-himself post I've ever seen on the nest.
I think the punishment claws would be a very effective solution to the OP's problems.
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DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yep. I'd stop being polite and I'd stop doing it for him.
My DH is the same way but has improved a great deal since we first moved in together a couple years ago. We've had many kind conversations about it and gentle reminders. Maybe sharing what I've done will offer advice:
-I'm legitimately OCD so I've explained how clutter literally makes me feel overwhelmed and stressed out and brings my mood down. He doesn't like me cranky so this always gets him motivated to pick up his things.
-I've explained how even though I understand it's not intentional, I feel disrespected when I've spend hours cleaning up the house and he doesn't seem to notice + drops his belongings anywhere. I've related it to something he does "if I did so and so" how HE would feel disrespected.
-Consolidate all of his things that are scattered into 1 locations. When you two are sitting around with nothing to do one day suggest you help him organize it and jump in. He will likely follow suit.
-If all else fails, bag all of it up in a garbage bag and put it in the shed/basement/anywhere that is storage. He won't notice anything "gone" until he needs something and then tell him where it is. It's somewhat passive aggressive but it gets the clutter out of the way, doesn't entail YOU cleaning up his mess, and causes no harm to his belongings.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
My husband is pretty messy. I would stop hinting and just tell him. DH cleans up because he know it stresses me out and makes me upset when our house is dirty. When the house is dirty I'm in a bad mood and no one is safe.
I would point blank tell your DH it stresses you out and ask him to either keep track of where he leaves *** or take fifteen minutes every morning and night to walk through the house and put dirty dishes or dirty socks away. That said, DH's office is a free zone. As long as there aren't dirty dishes attracting ants I don't care what it looks like.
Your H won't change unless he wants to and after 10 years of living the high life I doubt he will won't to. And gentle hints will get you nowhere.
You need to sit down, have a serious talk, and tell him you will no long pick up after him. And don't.
And FFS, share the chores. Don't do any of them and see how long he can go without any clean forks or underwear.
May seem extreme, but 10 years of a learned behavior is hard to break.
H and I were just talking about how his cleaning habits have changed since I met him. He's not perfect and would live in a much more cluttered house on his own, but he's gotten better. Now it's really just his pile of stuff by his computer. All I have do is mention his pile and poof, he cleans it up.
Your H is a lazy manchild who has never needed to clean for himself because mom & now you do it for him. It's past time for a chat with him.
How did you last 10 YEARS cleaning up after him?
"Forgetful"?? Really? Is that what he tells you, "I forgot"?
Gotta agree with pp that he knows you'll pick up for him.
Oh and someone should patent punishment claws.
LOL! Love this!
In all seriousness, there's no reason you should have to put up with this (especially after 10 years). You need to tell him that he's an adult and he needs to clean up after himself. I have been struggling with my H on this to a certain extent (his mommy babied him until we moved in together, and then for a while, I picked up where she left off), but it has gotten better since I sat him down and talked to him about it (and told him we needed to go to counseling).