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Been married for almost 2 years and still virgins
At the beginning of he marriage we tried more often, but we couldn't seem to get 'it' in properly. We both got frustrated with it (especially him) and so we haven't even tried to have sex in close to a year.
Good news: he has agreed to talk to a sexologist no matter what it ends up costing. I suggested this because I have a BA in psychology and had an amazing professor in my human sexuality course who happens to be a sexologist. I just haven't brought myself to making the call because I wish we could just solve this on our own.
We had bought some lube a long time ago but never opened it. I had seen on here that it was a suggestion that was made often.
The worst part is that I feel so bad for my husband. Whenever I mention that I'm not satisfied and want to keep trying to have sex, it brings him to tears and he feels aweful that he's "not a good husband" and "can't give me what I need" (his words).
I already know what has to be done: I need to make that phone call. But, I just wanted to hear if anyone else has had a similar problem to us.
Thanks, God Bless!
Re: Been married for almost 2 years and still virgins
To know One Direction is to love One Direction
You can still see one: get to a gyn stat and have him rule out problems such as: intact hymen, vaginisimus, interstitial cystitis or a hormone deficiency.
An intact hymen can be managed in an outpatient procedure at a gyn's office.
If all checks out physically, this is a psychological problem. You and he jointly need to see a sex therapist.
Your relationship is not a healthy one. It's unhealthy inasmuch as you have not consummated the marriage and it's unhealthy because there's a huge disconnect with sex and intimacy.
You also have communication problems: you and he need to cut out the shyness and hesitation and take the bull by the horns: you need to tak about this at length -- do it NOW -- and make sure that you and he work on this together --- and that the problem is resolved completely and to both your satisfaction.
I am also guessing that extreme religiosity is part of your lives. This is hindering the process even more. And as you can see, virgin marriage simply do not work. If you were sexually active a long time ago, you could have resolved this problem YOURSELF and made sure that it was taken care of 100%.
This. You haven't even tried in a year?! Damn, I thought I was in a dry spell.
There are also couples' sex DIY illustrated manuals, with pictures of a real couple. Try a Barnes and Noble or any mainstream bookstore; the manuals are available there.
You might want to check out a book entitled The Joy of Sex.:) An oldie but a goodie.
If you and/or he are not familiar with the rudiments of sex and intercourse and basic anatomy and physiology of the male and female reproductive/genital tract, try other basic books: Our Bodies Ourselves and Woman's Body: An Owner's Manual and Man's Body: An Owner's manual. The more you learn, the better off you will be.
My first thought - get drunk and put in some porn. You need to get over your inhibitions. Open the lube and just go with what feels good for both of you!
I don't know that porn is a great way to learn sex technique, given how unlike real sex porn sex is... but you've certainly got to do something. It sounds like it's more his issue than yours since he refuses to try anything at all. What's up with that, by the way?
Does he have performance anxiety? Can't get it up? Is he super guilty about the idea of having sex at all? Is he gay? I'm not asking to be mean, but it is a remote possibility. I can't think of that many reasons he would just outright not even try. We were virgins as well and had some difficulties on the honeymoon, but we didn't just give up. For that matter, there are still times when it just doesn't work, and I understand that pretty much happens to everybody on occasion.
I am guessing he's frustrated with trying or he's just too shy to go about trying again.
On the off hand:
Get your H to get a full checkup from his doc.
It would not be a bad idea for your H to get his testosterone level checked. If your H hasn't tried due to frustration or shyness or simply because he's at wit's end how to accomplish getting your sex life started, maybe his testosterone level is running low. This is fixable.
Bottom line:
The 2 of you just can't give up and not try nor should the two of you just ignore the problem and think it will fix itself: it won't.
You and he did not get married to live like a couple of roommates. As i said, this isn't a healthy relationship due to the sexual disconnect and this isn't a good marriage dynamic.
The bolded.
What's happening here sounds like 2 people who can't address their issues and sexual needs. Maybe this is all in the way the 2 of you have been bought up; some of us are just plain nonconfrontational. Some of us scream and yell when an issue or confrontation rears its head.
That may be in the mix, along with religiosity.
As I said, I urge the 2 of you to get down to the bottom of this issue. And if nothing works or if other problems are in the mix that circumvent a satisfactory solution, you 2 will have to decide what you want to do -- go without a sex life completely -- or go elsewhere.
Please tell me that you two at least give eachother oral sex...???
This is actually what I was wondering too. Can you play with each other in other ways? And when you do try to have sex do you start with oral or anything to make sure he's hard enough? Don't skip the foreplay and use the lube, if it's too dry he's going to definitely have trouble getting it in.
The PP is spot on: what about oral sex? What about the non-intercourse sexplay that you and your H used to do before you were married? Is any of that happening?
I'm horrified that people are suggesting porn as a solution to this problem...it can be so detrimental to a marriage. I'm going to assume that because you were both virgins when you married, and because you closed your message with "God Bless" that you consider yourself a follower of God, and my response is going to be based on that assumption...
I would encourage you to both see a dr so you can rule out any medical issues for both you and your husband.
Call your professor/sexologist to see how they can help.
I also suggest that you take a look at Sheila Gregoire's blog: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum (http://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/). She's also written a book called The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex, which explores the different aspects of sex: physical, emotional, spiritual. She is a Christian and discusses how to have an intimate relationship with your spouse, and how sex is a part of that...all in God's design for intimacy in marriage. She also has a series of blog posts (29 Days to Great Sex) that are all about bonding and becoming intimate and close to your husband. Sheila writes in a way that's fun, sincere, genuine, and completely non-threatening.
And I firmly believe you should pray about it together. Ask people you trust to pray for you and your husband, and your sexual relationship. And don't give up! God wants to bless you...all you have to do is claim His blessing!
The religiosity factor is a detriment to their problem.
The book you suggested, however, is a good idea.
To the OP: have you at least tried things like oral sex and mutual masturbation? Or he masturbates and you watch or you put on a show for him?
Have either of you ever had an orgasm at all? Have you masturbated and gotten an orgasm that way?
If you have not, I suggest that you start. That's the only way you'll know what makes you orgasm and what touches make you feel good.
You got a lot of good suggestions; hoping you'll follow up on them.
Hi,
2 years is a really long time to be in a marriage and not share in the most intimate thing that a husband and wife can give to one another, sex is very necessary in your marriage and relationship.
You are in the right direction trying to seek professional advice because this is very necessary, taking into account the duration you have been married and have yet to consumate your marriage. Also between yourselves you REALLY need to sit and try and communicate what is going on emotionally, physically, talk about it even if there will be tears, let them flow, comfort him or he can comfort you but once the tears subside keep talking and work through the pain and frustrations you are both having/feeling, because shying away from talking because your partner is sad or crying is not helping. Also keep trying to have sex, open that lube, you bought it, please use it, it will help ease any discomfort you may feel during penetration. also you need to realise that sex is not just about penetration, are you at least trying to have oral sex, touching and exciting one another, your message did not give any indication whether you have tried it or not. Incase you are not please start TODAY, you dont even need a sexologist to tell you to touch your partner and sexually, everyone needs to do this every now and then. Sex is a very natual act we sometimes tend to over think things, excite each other and just go with the flow and see what happens. No one on this forum or in the world got sex right the 1st or probably the 2nd time around, but with practice we all get better and understand what we liked and dont like when it comes to sex.
Get manuals or video how-to's these will also help, if the trying to do what comes natually fails, also letting go of your inhibitions, this is a tough one but is completely necessary to be able to give yourself completely to your partner and fully enjoy and feel the pleasure that sex is supposed to give the both of you. If it is something physical/medical then seek the medical help you need to get through this.
All the best.
L