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s/o must-haves: a vent
I have only posted here a few times because I lurk a ton from my phone but posting from my phone is BS so yeah. But I was reading the post below about must-haves and deal-breakers and I jotted down a short list of must-haves. It really sucks because STBXH has everything I'm looking for in a mate (obvs why I married him) except one: agreeable parenting styles. We just can't agree on anything when it comes to DD. And even in divorcing (we're separated now) we will still have to parent together, and when we're not together- as in the same house- we don't go at each other's throats as much about small things dealing with DD. So WTF!? I just don't get it.
Does anyone have any insight? Is there seriously a way to overcome this that anyone has ever heard of!?
Re: s/o must-haves: a vent
I guess I'm unsure what you're looking for insight on...the STBXH having all of your "must haves" or the coparenting.
If you mean the STBXH, I think it's easy to romanticize someone that you love and really feel they're "the one" when in fact, there were always somethings that were just a little off. On days where I'm feeling pretty lonely, I often remember the good times with XH and miss him. Thing is, there was a lot of good times, but lots of other, not so good times that I chose to ignore at the time. I remind myself of these not so good time regularly!
If you mean coparenting successfully, I think the best advice I can give is to pick your battles. It makes no sense to argue with him about the little stuff and if something big is an issue, you need to find a way to discuss it without making it an accusation. You need to accept that you have no control over what he does (or who he has in LO's life) when she's with him. If you trust that he won't put LO in harms way, then you have to learn to just let go of the annoyances. Successful coparenting can happen, but it takes compromise and, at times, a lot of biting your tongue!
This.
My advice is to have your rules at your house and he has more freedom during his parenting time. All mutual decisions (haircuts, school, medical etc...) need to be discussed in an adult manner away from your child.
You can't control what he does on his time. Unless what he does is unsafe/abusive you need to let go of the need to control his parenting. YES, it would be easier on everyone if you agreed on the details, but you have to do your best to make the situation civil.
Unfortunately, I learned that my feeling for a guy does not mean he has the same feelings for me in return. Even with all the must haves, there has to be a mutual interest in each other for it to work.
I loved my xh but he didn't feel the same way. I often think having a child together will reveal the true colors one has for another. Your daughter deserves the best from both of you and her father will never stop being her father. In the meantime, you deserve to find someone who accepts you for who you are along with your style of parenting.
It seems like it is going to be extremely hard work to co-parent with your stbxh. The more you put into it, the more you will get out of it. Your daughter deserve to have both of you think about her more than each other when it comes to co-parenting and getting along will do wonders and build her self-esteem and not lose self of identity as she grows up. It is not about who is right or wrong, it is about accomplishing the goal that your daughter feels loved by both of you.