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Update to Flameful Confession
In the other post, some posters had some questions.
- I've always had a problem spending. We both did when we got together. He made changes. I didn't and was to shamed to admit it. The problem is I never addressed why I was doing it. The first time I confessed to him was because we were talking about buying a house and I knew I had to tell him. He said a lot of the same things to me. He doesn't EVER say those things normally. He is NOT abusive. The only time he has ever talked to me that way is when I dropped these two atomic bombs on him.
-We both work full time. His career has always taken a primary spot to mine despite the fact that I have a great education. He makes twice as much as I do and sometimes, I feel am threatened by that.
-A lot of times I feel like his spending wants are put ahead of mine. He goes where he wants and when he wants. I don't verbalize a lot of my wants or tell him so he doesn't get a say. That is a slap to him. There a lot of ways that my needs are backseat in our marriage but he doesn't know that unless I talk to him. This does not excuse my behavior.
-As far as this refinance, oddly enough, I was the one who pursued it. I knew it was going to out me. I knew it was the best thing for our family to have our mortgage paid off sooner.
For now, we have hashed thing out. For now, we are staying together. That of course, could always change if I don't prove that I am willing to change, make the changes, communicate more, and just own up to my actions.
My DH is a good, hardworking, decent man. He is an amazing father. He said some terrible things for which he apologized. He said those things to hurt me. Is it an effective way to fight? No.
Re: Update to Flameful Confession
You are probably going to need help to change. If it was just a spending problem, you'd have pulled out of it the first time around. Don't underestimate how strong the temptation will be.
Counseling.
Absolutely, polling. I have a call into talk to someone.
Good luck to you. I see a lot of myself in what you've posted. MH and I are slightly different in that he's always had a good grasp on spending and still doesn't spend much, but it's hard for me b/c I've always felt like the perpetual f*ck up. In so many ways (not just money), he is "perfect." And I tend to get down on myself and then I don't communicate the things I am struggling with. Our upbringings were also very different in that his parents are great with money and mine passed on a lot of screwed up views. Anyway, even though he never makes me feel that way (it's all in my head), I frequently feel like I am just so much less.
Therapy has helped a lot, for me. And addressing (and medicating) my ADHD. It doesn't help that I tend towards perfectionism and if I can't do it perfectly, I avoid doing it.
Sorry for dumping that on you - I just wanted to let you know what you said really resonated with me and that we've been able to work through a lot of my issues both me personally and together. It's never going to be perfect b/c I do struggle every day, but it's much better after seeking therapy. I also shop to make myself feel better (it's how I self-medicate, lol) and it's how I show my love. I just do it now while sticking to a budget and having 100% transparency w/ MH.
Thanks for the update, and good luck moving on from this.
If I'm reading this correctly, you feel that your spending wants take a back seat, but that's primarily because you don't vocalize them? You mention feeling threatened by his salary--in what way? Do you feel like you shouldn't spend because it's "his"?
I'm wondering if your secret spending is a way to get back at him for feeling less important. It sounds like you have a lot of emotions tied up in spending and in your salaries, as well as some big communication problems. Hopefully counseling will help you address those problems.
Is he willing to go too? While I get this mostly started from you, him being both willing and capable of perceiving where you're coming from would help LOADS, and he'd have a better handle on how to facilitate honesty and your spending recovery.
my read shelf:
I think oftentimes people don't see issues like yours in the same light as alcoholism, drug addiction or gambling addiction, because it seems like, well, just stop buying stuff and everything will be OK. Easy peasy!
But like weight issues, this is not that easily solved and I'm glad you are seeking counseling and working on regaining your husband's trust and repairing your marriage.
Good luck.
I wish you the best in working this out.
He doesn't EVER say those things normally. He is NOT abusive.
But what he said was abusive. You also didn't answer the question I asked about how the $8000 debt came about. Were you consistently paying for household items, stuff for your kids, dinners out for the family? It sounds like he has not trouble at all spending money willy nilly from your update. If there is an imbalance in incomes and responsibilities that means you pick up the slack with your credit card then he is very much a part of the financial problem. And that is completely outside of the horrible things he said to you - which were, IMHO, abusive.
Jillboston:
$8,000 partly came from an old IRS bill that I got after the 1st instance. I didn't include a 1099 so there was the initial hit and then the penalties and interest. After he said that he would leave me if I ever did it again, I thought he is going to leave me over this because I made a mistake that I didn't realize and now we owe more. I got a credit card to pay it off. I used my "fun money" to pay the bill out of my personal account. But like an @sshole, I used the card for the stuff I was supposed to use the fun money for and it was just a vicious cycle. I kept thinking that if I do xyz I can pay it off. He knew about one of the cards. I was supposed to use it and pay the bill right away but I didn't. I would buy clothes and gifts for family members, etc.
When I say he gets what he wants, he doesn't go out and buy it without telling me. He always tells me ahead of time. For instance, he was talking about buying powder skis the other day and I pointed out that he has two other pairs (1 pair we is just one season old). He decided not to spend that $400. I left it up to him but he made the decision. If he goes on a ski trip he will put the lodging on his card and then we pay off the card from the joint account. Our express pass are hooked into his credit card but when he goes by himself he doesn't put fun money towards that charge.
The thing we talked about most this morning was that we don't communicate well. We also talked about changes we are making so we are on the same page.
Yeah, I am on this boat. You were using your "fun" money to pay back taxes and using your "joint" money for his solo vacations? Does not compute. Like the PPs have said, good for you for choosing counseling and I hope you stick with it. However, considering that you were afraid to tell him about an honest mistake, even after it became clear that you could not resolve it on your own, strongly suggests that you should look into marriage counseling to learn how to communicate.