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Need relationship advice!
I posted yesterday about the whole moving in/not moving in thing but heres the basics:
Dating bf 10 months
Both work 9-7 pm jobs
See each other about 1x/during the week and majority of weekend absent some seperate stuff
My lease is up but we have not talked about living together. I brought it up in a drunken state and regret it because he didnt seem interested.
Now, Im starting to struggle with the frequency we hang out/talk. I think 10 months into a relationship we should be hanging out more but I dont know if my fast track marriage is what leads me to that (EXH and I were attached from day 1). I guess I was set off yesterday when I literally did not hear from him. No text, no call. Im pretty pissed off but dont know how to convey it and think he might be losing interest. Any advice??
Re: Need relationship advice!
I don't have any really good advice except that it sounds like a heart to heart talk with your bf is in order. I am concerned (per your other post) that you seem like you are not comfortable expressing your feelings to him. This makes me wonder why you feel that way. That would be a red flag to me since you should be able to feel free and express yourself when you are with the right person.
My idea about moving in together would not be something I would consider until I know the relationship is rock solid. That is just too big/serious of a move if I don't know where I stand in a relationship. This can cause a major setback in life if it turns out to be a really bad idea.
You mentioned you didn't hear from him at all yesterday. Did YOU try texting him or calling him during the day? Because if you didn't reach out, I wouldn't be too bothered if you didn't hear from him. If you did reach out and you got no response, I'd be miffed. He could have just had a busy day though.
I know that I, for one, have an extremely busy work week and I'd be fine only seeing my sig other 1 - 2x during the week as long as we were hanging out most of the time on the weekends. I, too, have to work long hours during the week days and most of the time I crave coming home and having alone time or going to the gym. Right now, I'm seeing my BF about 3 or more times during the week, and I had to have a talk with him about me needing some nights to myself since I was having a hard time getting things done like laundry, grocery shopping, going to the gym, keeping my place clean, etc., since I'd just rush out of work to see him. He owns his own business so during the day he works from home that when I get off work, he's like an excited puppy like "what do you wanna do tonight? where should we go tonight?" There's definitely an imbalance and we just had to have a conversation about expectations, which is what I suggest you do.
Sit down and communicate about how often you think is appropriate to hang out during the week (or how much time you need during the week). If he acts uninterested, I'd cut bait if you feel in your gut that he's not serious about the relationship.
Oh yeah I def dont think we would move in together any time soon but I wanted to see if that was even something to think about in the future like another year or soon. Im going to sign another year lease on my own but I guess I just got emotional about the fact that we werent even talking about that.
I am definitely going to talk to him but I have two big work things this week and I dont want to be thrown off my game and I dont want to overreact but I think what everyone is saying is right in that I need to talk to him about these concerns.
I think my insecurities from my marriage are coming up in a big way and I thought I had gotten past them....
All of this.
It sounds like you are probably a bit more vested in this relationship than he is. Depending on the person, going a day without talking (even after 10 months) could be ok, but it all depends on each other's expectations of the relationship.
I think you guys really need to sit down and have a heart to heart about where you two are headed. It doesn't sounds like you are even remotely close to being on the same page emotionally. ((hugs))
I have been with my BF for about the same amount of time as you and while I am not ready to move in with him and vice versa, I wanted to see if it was even an option for us. I asked him if he would be interested in living with me (not anytime soon) and my pets in the future. He said "yes."
Since the BF is in his 40's and has never been married, I also asked him if he has the desire to get married. When I asked, it was a general question. I didn't want him to think I was asking him to marry me or that I plan on getting married anytime soon. I just wanted to know if he ever planned on getting married. He also said "yes."
I was very general when I asked, because I didn't want to give the wrong impression.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I am not good with expressing my feelings or anything, so it was VERY hard for me. I am not usually the one to bring it up. But, I have been working on expressing my feelings & communicating better because I want to have a healthy relationship with him.
As hard as it was, I brought it up (not when I was drunk) and I am glad I did, because now I am not in limbo.
I do want to get married one day and I do want to live with my SO before I am married and if he didn't have the desire to do either of those, then it would have been best to end the relationship.
Good Luck!
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
This. I've only been with my BF two and a half months, but I made sure to make these things clear as soon as we recognized that we wanted to be exclusive. He didn't assume that I meant I wanted to live with him and marry him. He just knew where I stood on what I wanted for me.
We're both adults, and pussyfooting around important topics is just a recipe for disaster down the line.
You've brought this up now to us at least twice, so I think its clearly important to you, and you need to pay attention to that.
Seeing someone most of the weekend and once a week is a lot to me, but we're all different.
Ideally, how would a week go? Have you talked to him about wanting to spend more time together?