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Red flag - Thoughts?
I don?t post here often, but I do lurk and I like following what everyone is up to. I have a friend who is several years younger than me, never been married/no kids. She is dating this guy who to be nice is a complete @ss. Last Friday she and I were supposed to go out. It started out as she would come over right after work and get ready at my house to ?avoid the guilt trip? from him if she went home to get ready. She ended up having to go home anyway, and then he was ?sick? so she couldn?t leave him. Basically this was just another example of his controlling her. He doesn?t like her to go out, so she doesn?t, she?s not allowed to text but she does when he?s not around, or if he can see who she?s texting and what it?s about, he made her delete her facebook, they get into arguments and he calls to ?tell on? her to her mother?he?s a complete disaster, but she won?t leave him.
Something I noticed about this guy?he has very few friends. He?s a cop and I get the whole ?choose our acquaintances carefully? mentality, but it's just strange to me. And then it hit me. My exH also has very few friends and he was BEYOND controlling. And when I say few, I mean none other than 3 guys he went to HS with that lived more than 12hrs away from us. The guy I dated for a few months after I separated, also had few friends (I met one that was in from out of town ? other than that no one), and while not as bad, was still controlling. Obviously this could be because we weren?t together that long, but I could see stuff in his behavior towards his ex that even I thought were strange.
So when I divorced one thing I wanted in a new SO was someone who had friends, a circle of people that was their own. I thought this was because that?s how I am, and I wanted to maintain my friendships without that constant guilt trip or feeling like I had to bring him along if I just wanted a girl?s night. But maybe it?s something more?do you think having few close friends and/or few casual acquaintances could signify that the person could have controlling tendencies? Those with controlling ex?s ? what were their friendships like outside of your relationship?
Re: Red flag - Thoughts?
We have friends. But I am the only one who goes out and does anything with them. I have suggested that we have people over, go see people, etc. but all he does is makes excuses. We used to go see friends together all the time. Now he just wants to stay home, says he's tired and doesn't want to see anyone, and plays stupid WOW (world of warcraft) all the time. Plays it even while I am home doing nothing.
My ex was controlling and abusive and he had no real friends. The friends he did have were ones from his childhood or army days and the only reason we spent any time with them was because we were living in a foreign country and they were the only people we knew. When we lived in the US, he had no friends and would never go out.
So yes, I think not having any friends is a red flag.
While I agree that no friends = red flags, I don't think it necessarily indicates controlling behaviors. My XH had no friends. He was not even remotely close to being controlling. He was just a lazy bum that didn't like to do anything. His lack of friends was more of an indicator that he is a really poor communicator. Now, my 1st XH was extremely controlling, and he had plenty of friends.
My XH was similar to PP...many accquantiances, but very few friends. He has a difficult time keeping friendships and this was always odd to me. He had one friend from high school, but I wouldn't consider them very close as she didn't even go to our wedding. He usually made friends with women he worked with (which I was fine with female friendships until one backfired on me), but after he would leave that job (as he never stayed in a job more than a year) they would fdrift apart. It was always rather strange to me. He always blamed it on them...it was never his fault he couldn't keep a relationship. He became friends wtih alot of my friends and their SO's, but after the divorce, obviously they were no longer his friends and he didn't want them as such anyways.
basically, he had a really difficult time keeping relationships and this became apparent through seveal aspects of his life. He can't commit and work through difficult times.
I wouldn't say he was controlling in my behaivors or what I did, as I have a ton of friends and if I wanted to go out or have a girls night, etc, he never minded. He was controlling in terms of my family and other decisions though. He was very judgey when others didnt' do things the way he thought they should, and this was also the same with "friends" of his. Whenever I didn't agree with something he thought "we" should do, I became "against" him and then it was a huge yelling match between us to the point where I just had to give in (I didn't have much of a backbone in my marriage.) Also, besides his dad, I was the ONLY person he could really vent to, etc. as he didn't really have anyone else he could go to (he was basically an only child, so no siblings either). This was tough on me. I didn't want to be his only close friend. It wasn't fair to either of us, personally. He needed a circle of friends to enjoy things that maybe I didn't want to do or go blow off steam or just to hang out with. I encouraged him to hang out with a newly found "friend" like going on camping trips, etc. I know how badly he wanted to have friendships, but looking back, I can understand why he had a hard time keeping them.
Now, it is a BIG red flag if someone that I date doesn't have friends/can't keep friends. It's strange to me why someone wouldn't have at least one friend from growing up or college/military, etc. I'm very sensitive to it for the reason of my XH. I don't want to be their only friend and I want to know they can keep relationships.
No, there are always exceptions. There are people like you describe above. I think it is a red flag though, IMO. It is something to look at more closely and try to find the reason. ITtmight be that the person is obviously shy or that maybe they live far away from their close friends...
A red flag doesn't always mean deal breaker, it is just s warning.
I'm going to strongly caution you against equating a lack of friends with controlling behavior. I get that we all have our baggage and that it's an easy connection to make, but there are a type of people that exist in the world that are called "introverts". Introverts tend to keep to themselves, only have a few friends, and most of them are well-adjusted, nice, contributing members of society. I happen to be one of these introverts, so maybe I'm biased, but I don't think I'm a raging doucher that keeps my BF on a short leash. He's an introvert too. We both encourage the other one to go out and meet up with the friends we have, but we both have very small circles.
It's OK if differing social appetites is a dealbreaker for you, and it's perfectly fine to call someone a controlling doucher if he exhibits the behavior of a controlling doucher. Using something like number of friends, in and of itself, is a pretty dumb indicator of character though. What are we, 12? I'd love to know the metrics on what makes for an acceptable number of friends so I can go count mine on FB to see if I'm an OK person.
I don't think I equate having no friends with being controling, but like I said it can be a red flag. Honestly, I don't have a "number" when it comes to friends. Havin ONE close friend is enough for me. I dated an extremely shy person in college. VERY introverted. He was a great guy and still had 1 best friend and was close to his 2 brothers.
The whole red flag thing to me is a warning of something that may need an explanation, not a deal breaker
I have to vouch for this too. I am not an introvert but some of the most caring and contributing people that I know are introverts. They contribute to society and run a lot of organizations behind the scene. The ones I know are also speakers/presenters at the organizations I attend. When I meet them in person, I find out they are introverts and was surprised but now I think introverts are really special kind of people. They really do care about people but express it differently than an extrovert. They also take the time to care about the little things that many people would not take the time to notice.
With that said, a profile of anyone you are seeing is merely not enough to determine anything. You need to spend time with that person to see if that person is a right match for you or not and not create stereotypes.
I am personally looking for an extrovert myself because I become way too introverted with an introvert.
Actual introvert here (all my Meyes Briggs tests I have taken confirm it over and over. ). Many introverts can be actually quite social. This introvert being one of them. It's often assumed that introvert = shy, but not the case. Yes, I'm find keeping to myself. But I can be social with the best of them (sometimes it's a "fake it til ya make it type of thing as it doesn't come easy) but I know quite a few that have large social circles.
I just like to make this point on behalf of other introverts. We often get a bad rap that we just "keep to ourselves and aren't social, not alot of friends", so I don't like telling people "I'm an introvert". They assume I'm shy, can't have conversation, and don't have alot of friends. But I am an introvert. And I'm social. Always have been.
And yes, we are pretty well rounded contributing members of society.
And I agree that just because someone doesn't have friends doesn't mean they are always controlling/lazy. To me, I'm uber sensitive to it for other reasons, which I explained above. Whatever the case...this guy sounds like Mr.Red Flag.
I agree with RRW. I'm an introvert who is very social and out almost every night of the week. I'm not shy by any means but I am an introvert.
Same here.
And, just to chime in on the rest of the post, yes, I too find it be a glaring red flag when I meet someone who doesn't have any close friends. I don't think it necessarily means it sets someone up to be a controlling person, but it does make me wonder what sort of social skills they might lack / might not have a good grasp on that would interfere with a romantic relationship.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho