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MIL Vent
We are planning to have our baby girl baptized in May at my husband's childhood church - 3 hours from our home - by the priest who married us. It seems my MIL has decided to plan the entire event, on her own, with zero input from me. Her plan includes a party for over 100 people at her country club. I only found this out because MIL's friend visited us and asked if I wanted to see the proof for the invitation. I didn't know there was an invitation - no other mention of it was made to me and so far, the invite list has not included my family or friends.
And it gets crazier. When I saw the invite, I asked MIL's friend if it had been approved yet because it has the wrong spelling for my daughter's middle name. MIL's friend looked nervous, said the invite hadn't been proofed yet but then said it didn't really matter. I said we would want the correct name on the baptism certificate and she said we could just quietly mention that to the priest at the baptism. Then she asked me not to tell MIL that she showed me the invitation?!? My husband's family is so freaking weird!!
Re: MIL Vent
Your husband needs to say to his mother, "We already have the baptism and party planned. We will make the arrangements and send out invitations to the guests."
If she won't knock it off, then I would just go ahead with your plans and send invitations as normal. If people ask what happened then just say, "The invites we sent you are the official ones. I don't know where MIL is getting this other information. Please ignore anything you receive from her." Let MIL look like the crazy person.
Did you and your H tell your MIL that she could help with the plans, or did she just take it upon herself to do all this? Why didn't either of you say something to her when you first heard that she was planning her own party?
i completely agree. this needs to be fixed as soon as possible because the longer you wait, the more problems there will be... and you might end up looking like the bad person. good luck!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yep you both absolutely need to stop this nonsense or your MIL will think it is ok to continue pulling crap like this. ( like your child's first birthday). She thinks that by booking the room or whatever then you won't say no to her. You both ( especially your husband) need to say no to her. She needs to learn that planning a party to celebrate a momentous occasion for YOUR CHILD without your input at all and not inviting any of your family is not ok. That isn't fair to you or your family.
Let me ask you this, what were your plans for the Baptism ? Did you want to have a party afterwards ? What did you have in mind ? Who did you want to invite ?
I don't know how to emphasize this enough but you both need to be direct with her and let her know that what she did was very unacceptable and will not be tolerated. Trust me, if you don't say something now and just go with it, you will be creating a monster. Do not let that happen.
Maybe she's genuinely trying to help. Maybe she thinks you have enough on your plate? Especially considering it's 3 hours away she could be assuming this is better for you. No matter how you feel about it I would recommend taking a soft approach if you confront her about this, like "I appreciate that you're trying to help but it's important that I'm involved." This will hopefully keep her from getting her feelings hurt or thinking she did all this and it's not being appreciated AND more importantly reduce the chances of a big fight!
Planning your child's baptism celebration without your involvement or permission while excluding all of your friends and family doesn't deserve a 'soft approach'.
Why in the world is it poster's j.o.b. to make sure this woman's feelings aren't hurt? Good g*d MIL is being completely inappropriate and she needs to hear that - not that her passive-aggressive feelings are appreciated.
Big fights happen when people act horribly. I doesn't mark the end of the world. At all.
How rude of her not to invite anybody but her posse.
Since you weren't supposed to see the invitation, then you, your DH and daughter also don't know about the party, and won't show up.
Just ignore your MIL. She has made her own bed and now you should make her lie in it. Have the party you want (if you want one) and send out the invitations to your family, friends, DHs family and friends... with your daughter's name spelled correctly.
This is crap.
I didnt pick up anyhting in the original post that suggested she didnt agree to have the baptism at that church or that her MIL didnt invite her DILs friends or family. Nonetheless, I agree the MIL is overstepping her boundaries here, big time. All I'm trying to say is I think there is a tactful way of dealing with this to reduce the chances of feelings being hurt (on all sides - not just the MIL). Aside from hurt feelings, who wants a big blowout right before a baby is born and/or about to be baptized. That's why I suggested the "soft approach." But that's how I chose to deal, not saying everyone has to do the same. It's merely a suggestion.
Your DH needs to call his mother and tell him that you and he will be throwing your own party, and that all she needs to do is wait for the invite. If she decides to throw a separate party, she should not plan on you, him, or your child being there.
I'm wondering if your DH knows more than he is letting on. For example, did she say "the Holiday Inn has a great party room - wouldn't that be great for the baby's baptism?" and your DH yessed her.
Plan your own party, send out your own invites, and when the people ask which party is the official one, tell everyone that the guest of honor (your dd) will be at the party you are throwing.
Or move the entire baptism to the town you now live in. Your life should be where YOU live, not where your H grew up. That is part of the problem.
"and so far, the invite list has not included my family or friends."
LOVE this.
Oh my I'd be livid. I can see my MIL doing this when we have kids. We had problems when we were planning the wedding kind of like this...she started sending out invites without asking me, made the venue decision without asking me, and a bunch of other stuff that isn't even related to this topic...
My point being, that DH put his foot down (after a few tearful phonecalls from me about his passive agressive mother) and told her to back off. He had to tell her a few more times, but he was firm with her and made it very clear that the wedding (baptism in your case) was OUR event and she was crossing boundries.
Tell DH how hurt you are and then let him handle it. And go on planning the baptism yourself. Ignore her after the conversation between her and DH.
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