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It's been over a year ...an update.
I've been lurking for a while. Tip can shame me because I ignored every piece of advice I got here last year. I can't find my original post from last year so I hope most remember my situation with my dh.
Basically after the in laws left last year everything was swept under the rug and I tried to move on and forward in my marriage. How naive of me to think everything would just go away and work itself out. Dh continued to act like our relationship was perfect and I eventually quit counseling. We pretty much grew apart this past year and he continued to emotionally neglect me. A few months ago I ended up having a short lived emptional affair (which has now ended) and I came clean to dh about it and told him I wasn't happy and wanted counseling or a divorce. He refused counseling again at first but once he realized I was serious about divorce decided to go.
Here we are over a year later and the tables are completely turned. He has completely changed in the past month trying his absolute hardest to save thmarriage but I'm at the point now where I just feel like I needed all this a year Ago and I'm emotionally over it. I've tried to talk to him about divorce again and it's like he is in denial. He thinks because he's been trying so hard lately and went to one counseling session I should be over the moon and completely happy and all our problems are solved. The problem is that I can't even bring myself to want him physically or emotionally. It's like I just can't connect with him anymore. He's pissed if fright now because I won't have sex wiith him but it's because I'm so depressed and just emotionally checked out from him. I am desperately trying to keep doing counseling with us to save this marriage but most of the time I feel like its too late.
Im so pissed and resentful because I wanted all this from him a year ago and he refused to acknowledge the problems in our marriage or go to Counseling and now he wants to do whatever it takes?!!!! My llife is a complete shitstorm and if it were t for my son I think I would lose it....
Re: It's been over a year ...an update.
I was in the same boat many years ago...i wanted counseling he didnt...went on for a year...i told him i was leaving with the 3 kids and then all of a sudden he wanted counseling. i went for a few months, but it was too late, i had checked out a year ago. we tried counseling for 3 months then i took the kids and left. that was 10 years ago and it was extremely difficult he was a good guy and no one could understand the breakup.
It really was the best thing i did. my kids were much happier seeing me happy. and i was a better mother after that weight had been lifted.
I remember you.
Did your H ever acknowledge his DD and tell his family the truth?
If you're done, you're done. You don't need his permission to start moving on.
You don't need his permission to be done.
You can change your mind about wanting to work on it.
You don't have to justify feeling like it's over. It feels that way and you're done so get out.
He can be pissed all he wants but the reality is no amount of good behavior on his part can undo the damaged he's caused or the fact that he is fundamentally this person, a person you cannot respect.
Click me, click me!
Sounds like you are done. Too little too late, and the only reason he bothered to do anything different was because you wanted to bail.
Its not like he recognized he was fooking up and wanted to change. He did it so you wouldn't leave him, but not because he actually wanted to. So now he thinks that you should be singing his praises because he has FINALLY made an effort towards your marriage? Divorce the bum.
I would be done too. You have to do what is right for you. He certainly has been doing that for ages. Its your turn. Also, get some therapy for yourself before you get into any new relationships. Just chill for a while until you learn about the new you after this mess is mopped up.
I wish the best for you.
Marriage counseling is not a magic bullet. If a marriage is done, it will not save it.
TBH, even if he had acknowledged years ago that you had a dysfunctional relationship and you two had gone into counseling, I'm not too sure you wouldn't be in the same exact place right now. As a pp stated, the person he's been all this time is the person he is. The fact that it's not good enough or compatible with who you are is understandable.
I don't see any benefit to dragging this out any longer. If you exit now, you may be able to divorce with a minimum of animosity, which will be good for both of you and good for your son. The more time you spend building up resentment, the less chance you'll have of being amicable.
Ditto all of this. Also, One therapy session and his whole behavior has changed? I side eye you for even believing that a lifetime of issues was resolved in one month. He's saying what you want to hear and acting like you want to keep you from divorcing him. He's desperate and sounds like he is putting on a good act.
I do think that if you divorce him, considering his concern with appearances, you are going to have a wildly acrimonious divorce, so before you do leave, you need to make sure you have every last duck in a row.
No I didn't say I believed him. I am thinking the same exact thing as you. I was stating that he thinks because he is doing better that I should just do what I've always done and get over it all and pretend like it never happened. Now that he's not getting that reaction from him he's acting annoyed...
Another ? Do y'all think I should wait till our next counseling session in 2 weeks to tell him what I've decided? I feel like it would be a safe place but is it appropriate? It also gives me some times to get my ducks in a row.
Click me, click me!