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Angry at my father
I've been angry at my father (and also my mother to a lesser extent) for a few years now, and I'm not sure how to deal with it. The problem started about two years ago when I was still living with my parents. I told them I was buying a condo. I thought they would be happy, and instead my father screamed at me for a long time telling me how stupid I was. My mother said "she just doesn't understand." This is after years of them telling me I shouldn't rent I should just buy. After trying to be the bigger person and convince my father to calm down and stop screaming at me, I gave up and walked out.
A few months later my father lectured me that I shouldn't move in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband) because he was unemployed at the time and my father said things would never get better. The reason why he was unemployed was because he was in college, a month away from graduating and was in the process of searching for a job. (It took him longer than most to graduate college because he was on medical leave for a total of four years.)
About six months after we moved in together, my boyfriend and I became engaged. (He had a job by that point.) We told my parents. My father's reaction was "Oh. Have you set a date yet?" My mother's reaction was "Are you sure you want to... well so long as you're happy." No congratulations or anything.
We were married a year later and have been married for almost a year now. My mother acts like nothing happened and everything is normal. My father is just stiff. Most of the time, I try to pretend none of this happened, but every so often my father does something that annoys me and it reminds me of the whole thing. For example, I recently gave my father a bottle of imported sparkling mineral water that I got as a free sample and I know he likes. He didn't say "thank you" or anything.
Admittedly, I have a tendency to hold on to anger. Normally if I were angry with someone I would distance myself from that person until I felt he had made up for it somehow, but I don't want to do that with family. Since I know someone will suggest therapy, I'll tell you it's not financially possible. How do I get over it all?
Re: Angry at my father
I'm sorry; you seem really, really angry. Gotta let go.
im sorry you're going through this. ive been in a similar situation before. what i did was confront them. i went to my family's house and asked if i could have a serious heart to heart talk with them. we all talked and put everything out in the open. it really worked for me. i still dont have the same relationship with my family like in the past, but that is my option now. (bc they hate my husband and talk crap about him). anyways, we got "closure" (i guess you can call it that) out of the situation.
another thing you can do if confronting them is not something you want to do. is that you can write a angry letter, telling them everything you've ever wanted to say and then burning it or something. i know a few people who have done it and it really worked for them. i even know someone who took the letter to the shooting range and used it as target practice. lol to each his own.
good luck! hope this helped.
I wish I had advice for you. My husband is kind of going through a similar thing with his parents (although I would say less severe or obvious), but he cannot let go of anger either.
Try to realize that this is the way they are and you're never going to change that. What you can change is how you react to them. They don't congratulate you or thank you so stop expecting it. Be nice/civil but I'd also keep a certain distance, you don't have to share a lot of personal things with them since you know they'll likely bring you down.
You let the anger go though, because it's not changing them and holding onto it is just making you miserable.
Try to let the anger go but I know it's easier to say than do. Focus on the positives at least and focus on your own life with your new family (your husband). Visit with your parents, keep them in your life, but prioritize the things that make you happy---hobbies? work? DH? friends?
I have a lot of anger with my family as well but I understand the frustration of not wanting to distance yourself as they are your parents and you love them, but not knowing how to "fix" things. All you can really do is focus on the things you can control which is what you do with your life.
I have a feeling that a part of what was going on was that you were finally becoming independant - buying a condo, living w/ your BF, getting engaged - all signs that you're growing up. And your father was (is?) having a hard time dealing with that.
That being said, you're talking about these incidents as if they were random events that came out of nowhere. But I doubt they were. I have a feeling your dad may have always been more controlling and wanting more of a say in your life, but you enver really saw it because while you were younger and living under their thumb - you saw the control simply as him being your dad and didn't think anything of it.
But you grew up, started making grown up decisions, and you saw your dad fully for the kind of person he is.
All that being said - I agree w/ the others. You need to start working with who he IS, not who you want him to be. And while he may be your dad, you actually can pull away from him if you want. If you dont' want to be close or don't feel you can be close - then you don't have to try and pretend you are.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
at a point you have to stop being angry about things that happened years and years ago. he didnt want you to buy a condo? great. you did it anyway and it worked out fine. i do have to admit i would've yelled at you as well for moving in with someone who could't pay part of the rent and was unemployed-no matter WHAT the reason is. it worked out though-thankfully.
i'm wondering-have you ever talked to him about these things? when he didn't say thank you for the water what did you do?
Have you ever resolved any of these conflicts? Did you buy the condo, did it work out? Did he come to your wedding, have a good time, dance with you?
My father was a mess at several life transitions for me. He was also proud and supportive, too. But as a "yeller" he screamed when I did something he didn't want - or gave me a very icy silent treatment for a while. And it sounds odd but he has been "angry" that I grew up - it happens.
You have to decide if you want to resolve any of this and how you want to resolve it. I worked hard to reach out to my dad - sometimes I held a grudge, but when I wanted to resolve our conflicts I solved them.
Avoidance is a perfectly fine coping mechanism for responding to hostility, but as you can see, it is not a long-term solution. If you want a relationship with your father, you have to face some of the pain you have caused each other, hash it out and figure out a relationship as two grown adults. You haven't been grow-up for very long. You two have to figure out a way to interact, now that you are.
We were married a year later and have been married for almost a year now. My mother acts like nothing happened and everything is normal. My father is just stiff.
I'm not really getting what "happened" here. Yes, he yelled at you for a decision he didn't agree with, but it's not like he hit you or something, did he? It sounds like your decisions to buy the condo and get married have worked out, so what anger are you still holding onto?
You're an adult. You're free to live where you want, marry who you want, live how you want. You don't need your parents' approval. Stop sharing the details of your life with them if they're just going to criticize you. Fill them in on the need-to-know stuff and that's it. Parents won't always agree with their children, but some parents are just more vocal about it than others.
And learn to just stand behind your decisions without feeling the need to defend them ... "We are doing XYZ." End of story, not up for discussion. The more you try to defend your choices, the more your dad will try to break you down. Constantly defending yourself is a sign of weakness, and if you get visibly upset when you're arguing your position it may suggest (whether you feel this way or not) that you yourself are unsure that you're making the right decision.
If he argues with you, just shrug and say, "Well, sorry you feel that way, Dad, but we're happy with this choice." Change the subject, walk away or hang up the phone if he won't quit it. He'll either knock it off once he sees that you won't be swayed, or you'll remove yourself from the situation and you won't have to listen to him anymore. A win for you either way.
If you really can't learn to let these things go and you need to talk to someone, then go to your HR person at work and see if your insurance would cover some kind of counselor. Or go to your house of worship and see if they offer anything that can help you.
You mentioned 3 specific incidents that have caused you to feel angry with your parents: their reaction to you buying a condo, their reaction to your engagement, and your dad's reaction to your gift of mineral water.
I suspect they all have in common and underlying factor which is what's causing you to be angry. You are expecting your parents to react in one way and they are not living up to that expectation. You wanted your parents to praise and congratulate your decision to become a homeowner, you wanted them to praise and congratulate you on your engagement, and you wanted your dad's admiration and gratitude for giving him the mineral water he likes.
A lot of what you are looking for is outward expressions of their approval, and it makes you angry when they don't show it. They may be very approving and proud and just have trouble expressing it. Or, it's entirely possible that they don't actually approve of your decisions.
Either way, you have to reach a mental place where their approval doesn't matter so much, because you aren't going to be able to change them.
Childhood is all about learning to make choices of which your parents will approve, even if it's not what you want to do. Adolescence is all about figuring out what choices make you happy but then compromising on those desires because they're often different from what your parents want for you. True adulthood is all about self-approval and not being so worried about the ol' parents and how they will react to your well-founded choices.