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Being Judged
For the past five years plus since DH and I have lived as expats, we have lived a very different lifestyle to most of our friends from back home. We rent, take lots of holidays, don't own cars, and just live an 'expat' lifestyle, as opposed to a 'traditional' lifestyle for lack of a better term. We have not followed the traditional path; get married, buy a house, get a dog and have babies within two to five year pattern that most of our friends have chosen. And we have always been fine with that and enjoyed, thoroughly, our choices.
As a result, our friends think our lifestyle of fun and exciting, but honestly, they have no frame of reference, so they haven't been able to judge us as they might in the US. However, I feel this is changing and I don't think it is intentional and, perhaps, I am just feeling sensitive.
We are expecting and are getting loads of advice on what to do, what not to do, etc. Which I expected and a lot of it, I tune out. I do value some people's advice and want opinions, but in the end we will make our own decisions. Plus it is very likely that DH will be transferred to the US in a year to 18 months, so we are starting to look a potential homes and everyone has an opinion. Where we will live, what type of house will be buy, do we know the areas we are looking in are super expensive, how long of a commute will DH have, what will I do for work, will I go back to work and the list goes on. I know everyone's intentions are good, but still. It is about a year plus out and I know they are just excited about us being in the same time zone.
Has anyone else experienced this? I feel that while we have been expats as people didn't have a frame of reference we were immune, so to speak, of potential judgements and now that we are having a baby and potentially being back into a more 'traditional' lifestyle we are more prone to judgement and that is bothering me.
Does anyone else feel this way? Especially those of you who have successfully moved back?
Re: Being Judged
Potential judgements? You're planning ahead that these people are going to judge you for whatever decisions you make regarding where you live and what house you buy?
It doesn't sound to me like you're being judged. It sounds like you're getting lots of advice. Your friends and family couldn't "help" you while you were expats - but buying houses, having a baby? They've all been there and are probably excited to finally have some sort of experiences they can share with you that might be helpful. They're all asking you questions that they themselves considered when buying their houses - or more importantly didn't consider and wish they had.
Frankly, I felt way more judged as an expat than when I moved back. Living a nontraditional lifestyle is usually where people judge you - because being different makes them uncomfortable.
No, I am not planning ahead that we will be judged, but we have been. The areas we are looking to move to are expensive and we have received several comments. I am not planning on being judged, but feel more judged already.
We have experienced the opposite, I don't feel our expat lifestyle has really been judged. People, we have found, are just interested in it but do to a lack of reference, have nothing to judge.
This is what I was thinking.
I agree with this too !
Obviously, it's time to get THAT onsie: My mum doesn't want your advice!
http://www.cafepress.com/racyrebel/5325649
This doesn't sound expat related at all. Every decision I've ever made that anyone else has gone through- parenthood, buying a home, moving to x, y or z city, everyone has an opinion. Some people are more aggressive than others with their opinions and have made me feel like maybe they don't trust that I can handle these things, but that's just the way it goes.
Also, I rented for many years, took lots of holidays and didn't own a car while living in the U.S. I get that it's not necessarily the norm, but it's hardly unheard of. You don't need to be an IN to live this lifestyle.
Parenthood/babies is a common frame of reference. So whereas before they could only say "oh, Paris in the springtime? Sounds great!", now they have personal experience to share. Same goes for your move. They're being helpful, now that they have something to share with you.
I think you've just gotten used to living in a vacuum and are feeling a bit claustrophobic at the thought of moving back into a community.
Also, parenting is the most amazingly cultural thing there is, even more than food. And most of it is just tradition. If you have your baby where you are you'll pick up some traditions from there, and those may well horrify your friends back home, and you'll be horrified by some of the traditions you see where you are.