Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Should I Even Mention It?
Ok. I used to post on here quite a bit when I was going through a bad relationship/break up. Since then, I've met a great guy and we moved to St Louis together. Things are going wonderfully -- he's exactly the kind of guy I need and deserve. He's my best friend (our first date literally lasted 8 hours and we did nothing but talk -- and we had about a month of just talking for 6-8 hours at a time before we even had our first kiss).
Anyway, there is this probably stupid little thing that is bugging me. It's honestly not even him. It's another girl. He's in graduate school, and most of the other students are ladies (it's a social work program). This doesn't bother me at all -- I totally trust my bf. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. But this one girl -- I just don't even know.
They work together at their practicum, so they see each other at least a couple times a week. She posts little silly things on his facebook wall with little smiley faces after them (he never comments on them or writes back). I've met her once, and got a very cold shoulder kind of vibe. She hardly said a word to me! I can't put my finger on it exactly, but I just get a very negative feeling about her whenever BF mentions her.
Then, this weekend, while I was at a bachlorette party, he went to a coffeeshop with her and spent 5 hours working on homework. They were out until 2 in the morning. As soon as I found out he was with her, I just had a bad gut feeling about it. Totally threw me off (and not because I was drunk, I didn't drink at all that night). I mentioned in a text that I don't get a good vibe from her, and he said we could talk about it later. However, it's now two days later and it hasn't come up.
I don't want him to think I don't trust him -- I totally do. My problem is with her. I find it odd that she would want to spend her Saturday night helping him with a project -- the boyfriend of a girl she has zero interest in meeting. It's not that I feel threatened, either. It's just a boundaries thing. He spends time with other girls, but they all at least showed some kind of acknowledgement of the fact that I am the lady he lives with. As I mentioned in my text to him, if it was any other girl, I wouldn't think twice. She just seems like bad juju. It almost seems to me like she could eventually start leaning on him as a replacement boyfriend emotionally (I'm not sure if she is in a long distance relationship, but a lot of the girls in the program are) and I do not want that, especially when she has no interest in meeting me. We're a pair, ya know?
So, should I mention it or am I just being weird? Is it worth it or should I just let it go and bite my tongue? I don't even know what I want to accomplish by mentioning it, other than let him know where I'm coming from.
Re: Should I Even Mention It?
Yes, talk to him. I think your comment about boundaries is on target. Another way to look at it, and even approach him about it, is how ANY friend (same or opposite sex) needs to be a friend to your relationship.
This doesn't mean she needs to be YOUR friend. But ANY friend I have - I respect their relationship, I respect their partner, I will ask about their partner, and I understand that their relationship comes before our friendship. I don't do anything to get in the way of that.
And when I see their partner, I'm nice to them and make an effort to say "hi". I have a couple friends whose DH's I really don't care for. But I'm still pleasant to them when I see them.
This is what friends do. If she isn't doing this, I think your BF actually needs to be questioning what kind of friend SHE really is. And yeah, I think he needs to be a little more aware of how much she may be leaning on him. he needs to make sure HE puts up the right boundaries that she doesn't get too close to him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Quit with the you trust him but not her line. You're kidding yourself, and it makes your arguments less than credible. You are concerned that something is going on or is going to go on between the two of them, and you don't like it. So speak up; ask him if he's attracted to her, if they've had any 'moments', if he 'likes' her, if she 'likes' him, has she said anything inappropriate etc. You're uncomfortable with this friendship, and I am not saying you shouldn't be, but own why it is you're uncomfortable.
And bring it up. You're unhappy with something? Gotta talk it out.
talk it out before you walk it out. or ... that's a dealbreaker!
I thought this was sort of harsh. I think it's possible to just not like the vibe someone's giving you. It doesn't even have to be a cheating kind of thing; it's possible to just feel like someone's not good for your relationship. It's normal to be uncomfortable about that. I wouldn't like any woman who was interested in my husband, even though I trust him completely.
That being said, I think you should feel comfortable mentioning to your SO that it just makes you a tad uncomfortable, just because she seemed to automatically give you the cold shoulder, and you didn't do anything to her. Plus the whole hanging out until 2am with someone you don't know thing is sort of a boundary issue. I would just make sure that your tone indicates that this other woman is the bad guy, not your SO.
I totally trust my husband, but it would bother me A LOT if he did this. I think your feelings are valid, trust or not. You just have to move ahead. I think you should talk to him about it though. Just mention that it bothers you. You can do this without being a psycho jealous girlfriend. If he freaks out about it, it probably isn't going to work. He's going to be working with a lot of women in the future, so if him spending time with them alone bothers you, you need to set those boundaries now.
Also, I live in St. Louis. Welcome to town!
If it bothers you, talk to him. If he freaks out, then that ought to tell you something. IME, an innocent person won't act guilty if there's nothing to act guilty about.
Good luck!
Sorry I took forever to update!
I talked to him that night. Explained it just the way I did here, and he totally understands. I let him know it's not that I don't want him to see her, it's just that I want him to be aware that she makes me uncomfortable and why. He said he would feel the same way if a guy was giving him that kind of vibe, and will keep an eye out.
Not sure why I was so nervous -- think it's just residual from my last relationship. Still not totally done dealing with some of the issues there, and some of the overarching affects poke up at random times.
Thanks for the feedback!