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Need some advice (regarding not coming across too needy)
Hi-
I don't feel that I am a needy person at all. I have been dating a guy since early January. We see each other quite a bit (2-3X per week, we live 2 miles from each other). We are intimate and the thing that bothers me is that sometimes I don't talk to him every day. For example- last week I didn't hear from him Mon/Tues/Thurs. We spent the entire prior weekend together and had a great time. He did call me last Wed morning to see if I wanted to hang out that night, but I was busy.
In my mind I just don't get how you can be intimate/spend an entire weekend with someone and then not hear from them for 2 days (not even a text).
I don't want to come across as needy b/c I don't feel I am (I never initiate emails/calls/etc, I am not always free when he wants to hang out, I have other things in my life going on, etc), but I would like to hear from him more.
Am I crazy or needy! LOL I want to bring this up to him, but am afraid of coming across too needy.
Re: Need some advice (regarding not coming across too needy)
Word.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I am not playing games, I always call him back or respond when he makes contact. Calling too much = looking needy IMO
This.
But you're all worried about how things look instead of relaxing and letting things be as they are. That's what's crazy and needy.
I agree with the others. He might be thinking to himself "How come this woman doesn't call or reach out to me?"
I am not saying you should bombard him, but one or two texts or a one phone call wont hurt anything. You shouldn't be paranoid about it.
Calling too much can be needy. Initiating contact without anxiety or fear of looking nutty is normal. The fact that you can't do that makes me raise an eyebrow.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
This exactly. Just because he doesn't know you're needy doesn't mean that you're not needy.
Why does he have to do all the work? Why is this about you waiting for him? Be proactive. If you're really as independant as you say you are, you would actually make the effort to reach out to him because you wouldn't be so worried about how things 'look'.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Yah, you've been seeing eachother since January and you NEVER initiate contact? That's quite odd. It sounds to me like you're doing a lot of game playing. You need to get past that. It's going to be what it's going to be and trying to play the coy game isn't working.
If you want more communication why don't you talk to him about it and initiate contact?
I'm willing to bet he'd like to hear that. There are ways of getting this across w/out being needy or sounding desperate.
It's not that I NEVER make contact, I just prefer him to 95% of the time. I was always told the guy should be the one doing the chasing, etc. So, it is out of my comfort zone to initiate. I still consider almost 4 months of dating a new relationship. Once I am with someone longer I have no issues initiating contact.
How do you think he feels when he NEVER hears from you??? HE always has to initiate, make the effort. You're upset after just a couple days, but he never, ever, ever gets that from you. how would you feel if you NEVER heard from him?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ugh, I could imagine how exhausting this must be for him. Since you never initiate contact, did you ever think that you may be coming across as uninterested? And if he thinks you're not interested, perhaps he doesn't call/text you more so as not to push you away. See what these games get you?
You should just do what feels natural. I guess I don't get why you feel that you need to be "pursued."
I think you need to be upfront with him. Don't play games with him by not initiating contact. If you want to hear from him - call or text him. He might feel weird about always being the one to initiate everything. If I were in his shoes I'd feel that way. I'd probably think you weren't that into me. I'd probably start initiating things and see how things go.
If you still feel unfulfilled then talk to him. Just be honest but modest. Like, hey. We've been hanging out since January. I know we see each other often but I'd like to chat or talk a little more often. How do you feel about that?
I'm one of those people that doesn't need daily contact. I can be in love with someone and see them a couple of times a week with little to no desire to talk or text everyday. I'm still stoked to hear from that person but I don't always think about texting them daily or something. Kwim? I generally mirror whatever contact someone else wants to have. If someone texts me regularly I'll do the same back but if not then I won't. He probably doesn't know what you want.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Game playing is never ok no matter how little or long you are dating, IMO. And I agree with a PP, it must be really exhausting to live like this.
You sound like an old girlfriend of mine. I met her after my divorce and we'd go out on weekends and such together. She didn't understand why she was never in a relationship. But, like you, she'd never initiate contact with a guy even after dating a few months. She had all these game-like expectations just like you.
I agree that you should let him chase you a bit, but after a month or so if you are seeing each other as often as you describe, you need to chase back a bit. That's not being needy. It's showing interest. Believe it or not, guys also get tired of chasing after a while and if you aren't giving anything in return as far as initiating the contact, they get tired of doing all the work.