Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Was I wrong? (longish)
Quick backstory: XH had an emotional affair with a co-worker during our entire marriage, and from what I could piece together, it started before we were married. Can I also mention, she was involved with someone during the entire time this was happening too? They are now free to be together. My DS didn't know anything about her, until a month ago when he met her as "XH's friend", a week later he met her and her kids and was told it's XH's girlfriend, one more week later and XH has her spend the night on DS's Friday night visit. I don't care for the fast pace he's at, but it's out of my hands. The only thing I can do is assure DS that both of us love him, regardless of who else is in the picture.
Anyway, DS starts soccer this weekend and I sent XH an email last night asking him to respect my wishes to not bring the girlfriend to his games, or if he must, that he at least gives me a heads up so I can prepare myself. Am I wrong in requesting this?
I will add that he did respect my wishes to wait until after Christmas to introduce her to DS (divorce was final in November) and we get along pretty well. I have also never met her, and currently, have no desire to meet her. I have no hate for her, I just don't have any interest in her, and honestly, as long as she is cool with DS, I'm fine.
Re: Was I wrong? (longish)
Anyway, DS starts soccer this weekend and I sent XH an email last night asking him to respect my wishes to not bring the girlfriend to his games, or if he must, that he at least gives me a heads up so I can prepare myself. Am I wrong in requesting this?
Imo, yes you are wrong. Sorry.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I guess I'm not ready to have it in my face. I know it's been going on forever and I know she's around, but it's not been right there in front of me. And I know this has nothing to do with DS, it's all about me.
I am totally capable of keeping my distance. I guess I'd at least like to know ahead of time, so I can gear up for it, or bring a supportive friend, you know?
And yes, I'm well aware I need to get over myself!
I appreciate the honesty!
No, you are fine. Especially seeing as it sounds like you just got divorced maybe 6 months ago(?). I was angry at XH for years!
Doris, I get how you feel (XH cheated on me too) but I have to agree with PP. I don't think you had a right to ask XH to do that. If he were a stand up guy, he wouldn't flaunt her in front of you, but that is his choice to make. Maybe gear yourself up to expect that she will come so you are ready. Then, if she doesn't show, you can be pleasantly surprised. Did XH respond to your email yet?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Thank you for that!
ITA!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Yeah, the wound from the divorce is still pretty tender, but I am also very grateful for the divorce, if that makes sense.
I sort of doubt he'll bring her but I guess I wanted to have the discussion first, so I'm not blindsided by it, you know? On a sidenote, I saw them at an intersection on Sunday and he clearly saw us (me and my kids) and he immediately started looking guilty and refused to look at us when he turned right in front of my car (hard to explain!). I'm very glad that I live a life that doesn't have me feeling guilty about my choices!
ETA: He hasn't responded, so I know he's annoyed with the request because he is GLUED to his phone and I usually don't wait more than 10 minutes to get any response (about scheduling stuff)
No, I get it. I was also grateful to leave XH but it was still really, really hard and a lot of days I cried my eyes out. So maybe instead of requesting that she NOT come maybe request a heads up if she is coming?
And ITA, about the feeling guilty about choices. I went to a concert once with my sister and her BF. XH and sister's BF knew each other from work. XH was also at the concert and spied sister and her BF. He got this huge smile on his face and starting running over to them. Then he saw that I was with them. The smile quickly turned to confusion and fear and he did an about face and ran away. I almost died laughing it was so priceless.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
I feel this way sometimes...actually I feel bad for all the kids in the mix!
DS is 8 and, thus far, he tells me that she's nice, so I'm happy about that. Although, he also tells me that when she's there, he usually spends most of his time in his bedroom playing video games while they're upstairs hanging out (he could be exaggerating, because he's 8 and does it all the time). He's also been acting up since she was introduced, but I sort of expected this, so I do my best to reassure him that we both love him and that he can always come and talk to either of us about his concerns.
I know if I am okay with things, DS will be okay with things, and most of the time I am. I just need to prepare for her to be there!
I can understand wanting to make that request but you shouldn't have.
If your XH were a stand up guy you wouldn't have to ask...but then if he were a stand up guy, you might not be divorced now, would you?
True statement!
Again, thanks for the honesty!
I have nothing to add. I just want to say that I'm sorry. This sucks. And, even though it might not have been an appropriate request, I totally understand wanting to be prepared if this other person is at the soccer games. I too like to know what I'm walking into.
((doris))
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I know you're saying this is about you, but I'll say that it's about DS too. The kids have to adjust to this too, and I actually think it would be a good thing for your DS to see both you and his dad at the games w/o anyone else there. Just to know that the 2 of you can both be there for him, support him, be civil to one another, etc. (I wouldn't hang out w/ ex, but at least say "hello" and let DS see you all interact peacefully).
Then, next season, once this is all a little more normal, start bringing the GF around.
Let your DS adjust to one thing at a time.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks GoZF!
We, thankfully, have been able to both be at his games without incident and can chit chat as needed (he played in the fall, while we were divorcing). XH's parents come sometimes too, so we usually all sit near each other and visit a little (his parents are super sweet).
I'm going to agree with other people that you shouldn't have asked him not to bring her. It's a sucky situation, but you don't need to go sit by them and chat her up or anything. Just pretend she's not there, and if she gets close enough, smile and say hi. No need for any further interaction.
I can kill 'em with kindness
Living well is the best revenge!
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
And I am!!!
This is fabulous advice, thank you!!
And you never know what could happen. I was the "new GF" at one point and I was always friendly to my Ex's ex-wife. We never said more than hi but now that I'm not with Ex anymore, his ex-wife and I are friends! I don't know that we would have been had I not had DD, but she really is a great person. We took all of the kids on a trip together last summer. The best part about it is that it still pisses Ex off to no end that she and I are friends.
Living well is absolutely the best revenge!